BREAKING: Bush Declares a State of Emergency

This just in: George Bush has just announced a State of National Emergency and has appointed himself Emperor of A'merica.

This action is due to the failure of the war on terror, faith based initiatives, and no child left behind. Standing along with our new exalted leader during the announcement were Cheney, Gonzalez, Chertoff, Bolton, Rice, Card, Palin, Rumsfeld, Fleischer, McClellan, Snow, Rove, Roberts, Miers, Ridge, Ashcroft, Paulson, and DeLay.

Emperor Bush has declared martial law and directed the joint chiefs of staff to initiate operation “drop your pants” where all Americans will get an identity chip imbedded up their ass. All who refuse will be shot on the spot. Also, by decree the inauguration of that “Boy from Hawaii” is canceled just like all the election results, nation-wide.

When asked by a reporter how this can be legal he responded “Cause I’m the decider. Now drop your pants!”

P.S. it could happen, he still has one more day!

Chertoff Stole My Toothpaste

I was Armed to the Teeth!!



Michael Chertoff, the Homeland Security mega weeine and his TSA cronies STOLE MY TOOTHPASTE!!

I was traveling via plane from one secret destination to another last weekend. I had purchased a new tube of Crest (or was it Colgate?) and put it in my ditty-bag with my other groming supplies. I remembered not to take my trimming sizzors, nail clippers and extra fuses, cause I didnt want to have a cavity search at the airport again.

So I got through the screening fine and went on my trip. On my return it was a different matter. They pulled my carry-on bag to the side and proceeded to open it up (without my premision I might add). I warned the pimply faced TSA guy that my bag was full of dirty underware but he did not stop! You see, he knew that I had a tube of slightly used toothpaste, and Chertoff wanted it!

They tell me that I could only have 3 ounces of the shit and my tube was 7.6 ounces. So I told the guy that they passed it through the airport I was at 2 days before. He didnt give a fuck. He wanted it to give to Chertoff cause he was too cheap to buy his own.

OK now I'm PISSED, "Call your supervisor" I told the wimp who I'm sure had never been laid.

Then the "super" came over and word-for-word told me that same thing. So I told him word-for-word what I said to pee-wee. He would'nt budge. So they took my tube. FUCK YOU Chertoff!

So next time I travel I'm going to buy a 3 ounce tube of Colgate and put a fuse in it..

Oh, ever notice that you never-ever see Chertoff's teeth?!