Utah's House of Deniers

Carbon dioxide is "essentially harmless" to human beings and good for plants. So now will you stop worrying about global warming?

Utah's House of Representatives apparently has. Officially the most Republican state in America, its political masters have adopted a resolution condemning "climate alarmists", and disputing any scientific basis for global warming. The measure, which passed by 56-17, has no legal force, though it was predictably claimed by climate change sceptics as a great victory.

The original version of the bill dismissed climate science as a "well organised and ongoing effort to manipulate and incorporate "tricks" related to global temperature data in order to produce a global warming outcome". It accused those seeking action on climate change of riding a "gravy train" and their efforts would "ultimately lock billions of human beings into long-term poverty".

In the heat of the debate, the representative Mike Noel said environmentalists were part of a vast conspiracy to destroy the American way of life and control world population through forced sterilisation and abortion.

By the time the final version of the bill came to a vote, cooler heats apparently prevailed. The bill dropped the word "conspiracy", and described climate science as "questionable" rather than "flawed". It also called on the federal government's Environmental Protection Agency to order an immediate halt in its moves to regulate greenhouse gas emissions "until a full and independent investigation of climate data and global warming science can be substantiated".

U.S. Worker Productivity hits 6 Year High!

Probably because everyone�s scared to death of losing their jobs!

Are Bush Appointees Sabotaging Obama�s Recovery Plan?

Something is becoming more and more apparent to me. The implementation of the stimulus plan is being disabled by former president Bush appointees still within the federal bureaucracy. They are doing it with a prodigious amount of red tape and delay tactics to keep these much needed funds out of the economy.

This effort has one goal, to discredit Obama�s stimulus program by forcing local economies into a sharper decline. Unless this stonewalling by Bush appointees is stopped, our economy will just get worse. We have to remove ALL Bush appointees and their second-level cronies from office NOW.

Remember When These Christians Prayed To This Golden Bull?

These supposed Christians made a mockery of their faith in October 2008, when they cavorted about this golden idol of mammon, the Molten Calf of Wall Street, because obviously the best way to head off a global recession is to sing "God Bless America" to a statue of an animal. What has happened since these idolaters demanded that Jesus fix the stock markets? Let's take a look!



So, while it may be impossible to time a market, it�s a pretty good bet that when fundamentalist conservative Christians are praying to a golden bull, you should pretty much move all your stocks and bonds to cash for at least six months!

Original Story posted: Wednesday, October 29, 2008 http://www.sushibandit.com/2008/10/jesus-people-pray-that-false-idol-will.html

A Victim of the Economic Collapse

Rest in Peace Elmo. We all loved you!

Republicans Dont Count Anymore

think about it.. The Republicans up on the hill are moaning that their wonderful ideas on how to stop America from falling into a great economic abyss, are falling on deaf ears.

Lets get this straight. After they led us over the cliff we should stop and listen to them while we fall to our deaths?

Our biggest mistake was trying to play fair and be inclusive. All they ever did was try to shame us "liberals" into submission. Well that is done. Time for all Republicans to sit down and shut the fuck up. We ain't going to listen to your "wonderful" ideas any more.



Take That!

How to Survive a Depression!

A depression is good news for people who don�t mind getting rich off the misery of others. The longer the downturn lasts, the more money you can make in a variety of �borderline-legal� and �semi-ethical� but high-paying home businesses!

Businesses like kitchen dentistry, toilet-paper gouging, road-kill take-out, unlicensed beer, wine and whisky sales, amateur protection rackets, backyard burial services and many, many more.

The scenario isn�t pretty, but make no mistake - it can work to your advantage if you go to work without delay. For starters, you should hoard items that everybody will need after the collapse - items like toilet paper, condoms, knives, guns, bullets, birth control pills, clean water and food. You also need to prepare yourself psychologically to take advantage of neighbors, family members and friends in the toughest of Fortune 500 traditions. This is not a strategy for �people who care about people.� It�s a strategy for people who care about money - and who want to get rich at any cost.

The good news is that you don�t need a lot of money to make a lot money during a depression. A basic understanding of capitalism - and a willingness to put compassion on the back burner while you extract wealth from desperate people in desperate need - are all it takes to accumulate riches in the worst of times.

Americans Become Actively Scared Of Economy

Deflation kicks in. The Federal Reserve this afternoon is expected to cut the fed funds rate from 1% to .5%, a modern record. The government is printing more money than you can shake a stick at, all night, every night, to give to financial companies. This should be an incredibly sexy time to make LOANS.

Overnight loans, car loans, Truck Nutz loans, who cares, loans loans loans, free money! The only problem is that we�ve developed a terrorist�s mindset in which the American economy, as a whole, has become the enemy.

It is a poison. The economy will kill you if you step near it. We do not wish to bring our money to this� this �thing.� It is made of several trillion different flavors of death. Last week, for example, the yield on three-month Treasuries fell below zero for the first time ever, meaning people were effectively paying the government to hold onto their cash.

People will have nothing to do with this fucking economy in any way. It is made of garbage and dead rats and synthetic collateralized debt obligations and poop.

McDonalds Lays-Off Ronald

A sign of the times...



McDonald's announced this week all Ronald McDonald's would be laid-off because of the nationwide economic crisis. It is estimated that all 347 part and full-time Ronalds will get their final checks this Friday. McDonald's Grimace's are unaffected by this cost-cutting move since they were never paid to begin with.

Jesus People Pray That False Idol Will Save God�s Economy

Did you know that some Christian dingbat has dubbed today the �Day of Prayer for the World�s Economies?�

Well here they are, at the Wall Street bull statue thing, praying to Jesus for money. The dingbat has explained, �We are going to intercede at the site of the statue of the bull on Wall Street to ask God to begin a shift from the bull and bear markets to what we feel will be the �Lion�s Market,� or God�s control over the economic systems.�

Don�t they know that God taking over the economic systems would be SOCIALISM from SPACE? Also: God will be very mad that they are worshiping a bronze idol here, since his second commandment PROHIBITS THAT, duh?

D.C. Site Of First Homeless Depot

WASHINGTON, DC�In a grand opening Monday, Washington became home to the first Homeless Depot, one link in a nationwide chain of warehouse-style stores that will supply the nation's estimated 350,000 homeless people with all of their street-lifestyle essentials.

"There are 14,000 homeless people in D.C. alone, but there's never been a retail business that catered to their unique needs," store manager Geoff Alberts said. "Homeless Depot is a one-stop spot for cardboard building supplies, used carpet scraps, filthy woolen blankets, and flattened garbage-can lids. We also sell coffee cups, cigarette butts, soiled clothing, expired coupons, June 2001 People magazines, and half-empty containers of Dippity-Do hairstyling gel. Best of all, we have really nice, big, sturdy shopping carts."

"The liquor department features more than 40 types of fortified wine, 30 different malt beverages, and a full selection of budget-priced liquors, including Old Thompson Whiskey and McCormick Vodka," Alberts said, gesturing to racks stretching up to the store's two-story ceiling. "We're able to offer alcoholics their favorite brands at prices up to 15 percent lower than those at convenience stores."

Special Report: Poor People Pretty Much Screwed

WASHINGTON�According to the results of an intensive two-year study, Americans living below the poverty line are "pretty much screwed," Center for Social and Economic Research executive director Jameson Park announced Monday.

"Although poor people have never had it particularly sweet, America has long been considered the land of opportunity, where upward class mobility is hard work's reward," Park said. "However, our study shows that limited access to quality education and a shortage of employment opportunities in depressed areas all but ensure that, once screwed, an individual tends to stay screwed."

According to U.S. Census Bureau statistics, 34.6 million Americans were living below the poverty line in 2002. "Not only are the down-and-out screwed, but the number of down-and-out screwed is growing," Park said. "Conditions of disadvantage are often passed from one generation to the next, making it especially difficult for young people to emerge from the cycle of poverty."

As a result, Park said, there are more poor people, and those poor people are much more screwed than poor people were a decade or two ago. "As the split between the upper and lower classes grows, and the middle class continues to shrink, we're moving closer and closer to what can only be called a 'no way out, dude. Sorry, you're screwed'-type situation," Park said. "Not only are the poor screwed at the moment, but any chance they once had of changing their miserable lives is pretty much gone, too. Essentially, they're screwed for all time."

The CSER study identified four major poverty groups within the U.S. The first two groups�one composed of disenfranchised blue-collar workers, the other made up of members of poor rural populations. Researchers have dubbed disenfranchised blue-collar workers the Factory Screwed, while members of poor rural populations are called the Farm Screwed. Park characterized the individuals in these two groups as "screwed from the get-go."

The other two rapidly expanding groups are the suburban poor, whose members can't afford the rising cost of such basic necessities as healthcare, and the urban underclass, whose members are found in the nation's troubled inner cities. Researchers termed these groups the Recently Screwed and the Utterly Screwed.

While he expressed concern for the nation's poor, House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-IL) said increased funding for social programs isn't the answer. "Nobody's saying poor people aren't screwed," Hastert said. "But what about all the people in this great nation who are not screwed? If the financial resources of the economically stable are diverted�through some well-intentioned but fiscally irresponsible social-service program�to the people who are screwed, where does that leave those who were sailin' along fine? Screwed."

Ed Cranston, an under-employed, Detroit-area machinist who made $14,000 last year, said he was not surprised by the report. "They say I'm screwed?" Cranston asked. "Shit, man, tell me something I don't know."

CEO's Marital Duties Outsourced To Mexican Groundskeeper

GROSSE POINTE, MI�As part of the ongoing trend toward replacing U.S. workers with foreign labor, the marital duties of United Carborundum CEO Howard Reinhardt have been outsourced to his Mexican groundskeeper, industry sources revealed Monday.

"It was time for a change," said Reinhardt's wife Melanie, who has been married to the CEO for 17 years and has conducted her sexual business almost exclusively with him since 1984. "While I was generally satisfied with the level of servicing that I received under Howard, it was my feeling that a younger, more aggressive hand on the tiller might bring some new ideas into play. No matter how mutually satisfying the old deal was, its time had passed." Although specific terms of the arrangement have not been made public, Melanie allowed that she has been "very pleased" by the new supplier�Jorge Escobedo, a 26-year-old gardener from Sierra Mojada who has been working in the U.S. since February.

"The switchover was seamless, considering how rapidly the deal was closed," said Melanie, who initiated the informal arrangement with Escobedo on Nov. 20, while he was cleaning the equipment shed. "Well, in truth, I was considering a move in this direction for some time, and looking into possibilities. Then Jorge offered me a very attractive package, and I decided it was in my interest to act. I've been very pleased with his initial performance." Melanie said Escobedo beats her former provider in availability, reliability, and turnaround. He also requires minimal emotional investment from Melanie, who is the sole receiver of the goods under the new arrangement. Melanie offered few details on the ins-and-outs of the deal, but she did report that the outsourcing is limited to Reinhardt's marital duties. All previous supply arrangements with Reinhardt, including those pertaining to housing and finance, are still very much in effect.

"This isn't some sort of challenge to the American workforce as a whole," Melanie said. "I'm just sending the jobs where they're going to be done most efficiently. The acquisition of houses, automobiles, and clothing will all still be in Howard's wheelhouse, but groundskeeping and plowing are now to be managed by Jorge. It just makes sense."

Melanie said the outsourcing is a direct response to the expansion of Reinhardt's duties at United Carborundum. "Howard is simply too busy to personally keep track of every detail of the marital union," Melanie said. "As long as he's available when he's needed�major Reinhardt-family gatherings and the United Carborundum holiday ball�I'm happy to have someone else's input day-to-day."

The Reinhardt household has been moving toward a more modular operation for years now. Laundry duties are handled by a small Chinese concern; child-rearing and education are performed by a live-in salaried Irish employee; and a loosely organized, rotating consortium of Italians, Japanese, and Greeks handles food service. The sexual-services agreement, however, marks the Reinhardts' first use of highly skilled foreign manpower. The news of the outsourcing was met with little surprise in the greater Detroit area, where community members are used to seeing hard-won jobs go to foreign labor, and are aware of cooling relations in the Reinhardt household.

"This proposal might not be the win-win situation that Melanie is projecting," said Philip Johannsen, business writer for the Detroit Free Press. "But it's going to be tough for Howard to say he didn't see it coming. When it came time to find a groundskeeper, he delegated the crucial domestic-hiring decision to his wife. He knows she's a very proactive person, so it shouldn't surprise him that she took the initiative to shore up areas of the household where she saw standards slipping."

"If American executives are not willing to shoulder the increased personal investment of time and energy required to keep the jobs in-house, globalization is just something they're going to have to accept," Johannsen added. Howard Reinhardt was unavailable for comment, as he was scouting locations in Oaxaca for a boron-nitride factory.

President proud of new economic numbers

Columbus, Ohio � President Bush bragged about newly released GDP numbers today while hinting that he's pretty sure that good things are in store for the economy. "The figures handed to me by some unknown element in my administration are probably good news. Uh, something about 7.2% of something. Not sure if that's up or down, but it's a nice little number either way," said the President. "It's good? Oh, okay, trust us, it's good. We rule!"

White House Denied Third Mortgage

WASHINGTON, DC�In light of recent budget concerns, President and Mrs. Bush attempted to take out a third mortgage on the White House Monday, but were denied. "Unfortunately, we're unable to serve the president's needs at this time," Washington Mutual loan officer Judy Schamanski told reporters. "Within the next 30 days, Mr. Bush will receive an adverse-action notice in the mail, which will outline the specific reasons for the denial. But, for starters, I would suggest that he get current on his second mortgage before he even considers a third." Schamanski added that Bush is more than welcome to reapply in the future, should his credit profile improve.

Bush Diagnosed With Attention-To-Deficit Disorder

WASHINGTON, DC�Pointing to massive war-time tax cuts, physicians from the Congressional Budget Office diagnosed President Bush with attention-to-deficit disorder Tuesday. "The president exhibits all the symptoms of ATDD: impulsiveness, restlessness, inability to focus on mounting U.S. debt likely to reach $400 billion by the year's end," Dr. Terrence Spellman said. "Failing to address his affliction could lead to serious long-term fiscal health problems for future generations of Americans." To treat the president's ATDD, Spellman prescribed Ritalin and an introductory course in high-school economics.