Utah's House of Deniers

Carbon dioxide is "essentially harmless" to human beings and good for plants. So now will you stop worrying about global warming?

Utah's House of Representatives apparently has. Officially the most Republican state in America, its political masters have adopted a resolution condemning "climate alarmists", and disputing any scientific basis for global warming. The measure, which passed by 56-17, has no legal force, though it was predictably claimed by climate change sceptics as a great victory.

The original version of the bill dismissed climate science as a "well organised and ongoing effort to manipulate and incorporate "tricks" related to global temperature data in order to produce a global warming outcome". It accused those seeking action on climate change of riding a "gravy train" and their efforts would "ultimately lock billions of human beings into long-term poverty".

In the heat of the debate, the representative Mike Noel said environmentalists were part of a vast conspiracy to destroy the American way of life and control world population through forced sterilisation and abortion.

By the time the final version of the bill came to a vote, cooler heats apparently prevailed. The bill dropped the word "conspiracy", and described climate science as "questionable" rather than "flawed". It also called on the federal government's Environmental Protection Agency to order an immediate halt in its moves to regulate greenhouse gas emissions "until a full and independent investigation of climate data and global warming science can be substantiated".

2009 Slam/Bam Award - Mitch McConnell, Corporate Whore

SLAM!

Mitch McConnell, Senate minority leader and corporate whore extraordinaire. Many can qualify for this title but only "Mitch the Bitch" has the power to obstruct more legislation in the name of big business than anyone else in the senate. If there was a better reason for term limits than getting rid of this modern day "Tweed" it escapes me. Most of all I feel sorry for everyone in Kentucky who have lost their home, their job, and have no health insurance, cause your boy is fucking you in the ass every day he stays in office.


The 2009 Slam/Bam Award is presented to the Best and Worst of our culture for the year 2009 according to extensive polling of the exceptionally intelligent and thoughtful fans of Sushi Bandit's Blog O' Rama.

Caller asks GOP senator if he prayed hard enough for other senators to die

A caller who reached CSPAN asked a Republican senator if he'd prayed hard enough for Democratic Sen. Robert Byrd (D-WV) to die on Tuesday.

"We got our vigil together and took Sen. Coburn's instructions and prayed real hard that Sen. Byrd would either die or couldn't show up at the vote the other night," the called, dubbed "Abraham" from Georgia remarked. "How hard did you pray, because I see one of our members is missing this morning. Did it backfire on us? Did one of our members die?"

"How hard did you pray?" he adds. "Did you pray hard enough?" He appears to break into tears at the end.

The caller appeared to be referring to Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK), who missed one of the Senate's healthcare votes.

Senator Tom Coburn (R-OK) announced Sunday he was hoping -- even praying -- that one of his Democratic colleagues somehow could not manage to cast a vote on health care in the wee hours of Monday morning. Liberal critics saw the remarks as a thinly veiled aside against 92-year-old Sen. Robert Byrd (D-WV), who had to be wheeled in in a wheelchair to vote. (He did.)

I'm Going To Quit Going To Costco

A Utah Costco took tomatoes off the shelves during a visit by Sarah Palin, after the Alaska Governor was pelted with the fruit on a stop at the Mall of America.

A lady stopped by the Salt Lake City Costco to do some shopping, unaware that Palin was scheduled to be there for a book signing. Unable to find any tomatoes, she was told by a clerk that there were no tomatoes that day.

No tomatoes? At Costco?

As she was leaving, she noticed a man with a store manager's name tag and asked him why they had no tomatoes. He informed her the store did have tomatoes, but they were taken off the shelves while the quitter was there.

It turns out that Palin had been pelted with a tomato at an earlier stop on her book tour and the management at the Costco was determined it wouldn't happen here.

Gee, I hope I don't go to Costco the day Glenn Beck does his book signing. I wont be able to buy a super-sized box of donkey assholes.

P.S. her tongue sure looks crooked!

.

Sarah Palin Shits on Kennewick, Washington

Breaking: Sarah Palin Quits Turkey Trot 5K Race In Kennewick, Washington

Sarah Palin dropped out of a 5k race on Thanksgiving Day in Kennewick, Wash. The former vice presidential candidate and Alaska Governor quit the race because she wanted to avoid the crowds that were waiting for her at the end.

Palin originally announced that she would be running the race on Twitter.

Fuckin Twitter Quitter..

.

Fucktard Ronald Regan

trying to figure out what to say....

My Advice to our Republican Friends

Palin Pisses on Loren Leman, Alaska Family Council, and Pregnant Teens

Meg Stapleton, spokeswoman for an increasingly fragile and erratic unemployed publicity hound, had to once again explain at the very last minute how Sarah Palin would not be headlining an event that the event organizers thought she would be headlining.

This time it�s an event promoting an Alaska ballot measure aimed at making it illegal for teens to get an abortion without telling their parents. The Alaska Family Council has been advertising that Palin would give a speech and become the first official signer of the ballot petition tonight at ChangePoint, the Anchorage megachurch.

Meg Stapleton said Wednesday, in response about tonight�s event, that �this is the first we have ever heard of a speech.� She said Palin is out of state and won�t be there.

Anchorage homes received automated calls this week from former Lt. Gov. Loren Leman, saying, "I'm calling to ask you to meet with Gov. Sarah Palin and me this Thursday for an event to protect young girls facing abortion decisions."

I guess she is too busy writing her new book "How to take out Obama's Nazi-Socialist Death Panels from a Helicopter"

The Wingnuts are at it Again!

what is a "Pubic Option"?

My Message to Birthers, Deathers, Tea-Baggers, and Town Hall Screamers

Sarah Palin Pisses On Ronald Reagan�s Grave

Sarah Palin is so super-maverick-y now that she won�t even honor her vow to make a speech at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library, where she was scheduled to speak at the Simi Valley Republican Ladies Group Fund-raiser for Republicans, a very widely reported exciting event that was to be her first public appearance since just quitting the governorship of Alaska because fuck those people, right?

The Ventura County Star reports: Just days after officially stepping down as governor of Alaska, former GOP vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin is dropping out of an advertised speaking engagement in Simi Valley �.

It was on Thursday that Palin�s spokeswoman Meghan Stapleton made public the news of the decision not to attend the event via Palin�s Facebook page. Up to 900 people were expected to attend the event at $100 a ticket for members and $150 for non-members, but media had been barred from the occasion.

Facebook! She fucks these people over via Facebook. She�ll probably take Bristol out of her will via Twitter.

Meg, Palin�s loyal nut-case sidekick and spokesperson, said Palin bailed this time because she has so much, uhm, work to do. Commitments, too. Work and commitments. Also. Says the Ventura paper, �It is unclear what those other work and commitments are.�

Hahahahah. Why does lazy quitter Sarah Palin hate Republican ladies? And why must she desecrate the grave of Ronald Reagan?

Republican Reaction to Palin's Resignation

Cheating SC Gov says God will "Make Him Better"

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, still clinging to office after admitting to an extramarital affair, wrote in an opinion piece released Sunday that God will change him so he can emerge from the scandal a more humble and effective leader.

So God will change him? Into what??

A bigger dick then he already is?
A better lier so he wont get caught again?
A circus clown so no one will recognize him in SC? (wait, that doesn't work anymore)
A heap of gelatinous goo?

I vote for Goo!

Bye Bye Bitch

Sarah "I'm not a quitter" Palin resigns 1 1/2 years before her term ends. She claims that she has become "Blood Sport" for the press. Well Sarah, maybe you now know how it feels to be a moose or bear killed from a helicopter, Bitch!

Lame-ass Indiana Congressman Proposes Plexi-glass Cage for Public Visitors

In an effort to continue the fear mongering started during the Bush administration, Indiana republican congressman Dan Burton today proposed enclosing the Capitol gallery in Plexiglas to protect members of Congress from a terrorist attack.

�What this bill does is it would authorize a study to look at enclosing the chamber, the gallery chamber, with Plexiglas so that somebody can�t throw a bomb down on the floor and kill a lot of us,� Burton told the Rules Committee Thursday. To the shock of on-looking congressmembers, Burton described how a terrorist could kill the lot of them. Someone could kill �half the Members of Congress right now,� he said.

�You could take a detonating device that looks like a watch so you could get through the metal detector,� Burton explained. �And when everybody was on the floor, as many as you wanted, you could put that into the plastic explosive, toss it out on the floor, and there is no way you would lose half of us if we were on the floor, at least, or more. I don�t know how much damage it would do.�

It has now become obvious to those with half a brain that congressman Burton has shit for brains.

Are Bush Appointees Sabotaging Obama�s Recovery Plan?

Something is becoming more and more apparent to me. The implementation of the stimulus plan is being disabled by former president Bush appointees still within the federal bureaucracy. They are doing it with a prodigious amount of red tape and delay tactics to keep these much needed funds out of the economy.

This effort has one goal, to discredit Obama�s stimulus program by forcing local economies into a sharper decline. Unless this stonewalling by Bush appointees is stopped, our economy will just get worse. We have to remove ALL Bush appointees and their second-level cronies from office NOW.

Norm Coleman is a GOP Clown

originally uploaded by Hebiclens / WMxdesign.

John McCain is a Dick

Swine Flu name changed to GOP Flu

WASHINGTON � No matter what you call it, leading experts say the virus that is scaring the world is pretty much all pig. Six of the eight genetic segments of this virus strain are purely swine flu and the other two segments are bird and human, but have lived in swine for the past decade, says Dr. Raul Rabadan, a professor of computational biology at Columbia University. �Let�s be honest, it looks like a pig, and smells like a pig, so we might as well call it for what it is, the GOP flu.�

"It's clearly swine," said Henry Niman, president of Recombinomics, a Pittsburgh company that tracks how viruses evolve. "It's a flu virus from a swine, and no matter how much lipstick you put on it there's no other name to call it but GOP."

Another reason the U.S. government wants to ditch the swine label is that many people are afraid to eat pork, hurting the $97 billion U.S. pork barrel industry. Even the experts who point to the swine genetic origins of the virus agree that people can't get the disease from handling pork, they can only get it from Republicans.

Cheney Starts Pro-Torture Facebook Page

In his most aggressive public relations move since leaving office, former Vice President Dick Cheney today established a Facebook page for fans of torture.

In recent weeks, Mr. Cheney has been speaking out in praise of such controversial interrogation tactics as waterboarding, but in establishing his Facebook page the vice president seems to be attempting something far more amibitious: creating a social network for torture fans everywhere.

"This is a place where fans of waterboarding can meet, chat, and yes, hook up," Mr. Cheney told Fox News host Sean Hannity last night.

The former vice president extolled his torture fan page as a dating site, telling Mr. Hannity, "This way when you go out on a date with somebody you know going in how he or she feels about waterboarding. I think that's important in building a long-term and hopefully loving relationship. It's certainly something Lynne and I share."

GOP lawmaker says Asians should simplify their names

Rep. Betty Brown, a Republican Texas state legislator said in House testimony about ballot accessibility that Asian Americans should change their names to ones that are �easier for Americans to deal with.�

�Rather than everyone here having to learn Chinese � I understand it�s a rather difficult language � do you think that it would behoove you and your citizens to adopt a name that we could deal with more readily here?� Brown remarked.

What? "Your citizens"?? Betty, Your an Insensitive Exclusionary Racist Bitch!

Recovering Republican

My name is Fred and I'm a recovering Republican...

Eight go from White House to the Big House

Do you know how many former Bush administration officials have been sentenced with jail time? The answer is eight! here is the list (so far):

Felipe Sixto, special assistant to President Bush for intergovernmental affairs. He pled guilty to embezzling $600,000 from the Center for a Free Cuba, a government-funded program and received a 30-month prison sentence.

Scooter Libby, former Vice President Dick Cheney's chief-of-staff. He was sentenced to 30 months for his role in the leaking and coverup of CIA agent Valerie Plame's identity to the press. President Bush quickly commuted the sentence. How nice of him!

Brian Doyle, Deputy Press Secretary at the Department of Homeland Security, was sentenced to five years in jail for attempting to use a computer to seduce a child.

Dusty Fago, Executive director of the CIA, received a three year prison sentence on corruption charges.

David Safavian, General Services Administration Chief-of-Staff and head procurement official went to prison for 18 months on charges related to the Jack Abramoff lobbyist scandal.

Italia Federici, political aide to Secretary of the Interior, Gail Norton, received a two month sentence in a halfway house for obstructing the Senate investigation into Abramoff and for tax evasion.

Steven Griles, who was the number two official at the Interior Department, also received 10 months in jail for his part in the Abramoff scandal.

Bob Stein, the Comptroller of the Coalition Provisional Authority in Iraq, received the longest sentence of any Bush official (as of yet) - 9 years in prison for money laundering, conspiracy and bribery.

This is not counting all the other convictions that didn�t result in jail time and all the other investigations.

Old Republican Asshole Apologizes For Happily Predicting Ruth Bader Ginsburg Will Die Soon

Kentucky! One of the comical idiot Republican senators of the �Bluegrass State� is a stupid old prick who once played baseball in, who knows, the pre-Civil War era?

But America�s worst, dumbest senator, Jim Bunning, who barely kept his seat in 2004 � the year George W. Bush Jr. actually won the presidential election. Anyway Bunning, 77, said Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg is about to DIE, because she is two years younger than he is, and she was successfully treated for early-stage pancreatic cancer and was back to work at SCOTUS today.

Bunning finally apologized, just now. What a dick.

Republicans Dont Count Anymore

think about it.. The Republicans up on the hill are moaning that their wonderful ideas on how to stop America from falling into a great economic abyss, are falling on deaf ears.

Lets get this straight. After they led us over the cliff we should stop and listen to them while we fall to our deaths?

Our biggest mistake was trying to play fair and be inclusive. All they ever did was try to shame us "liberals" into submission. Well that is done. Time for all Republicans to sit down and shut the fuck up. We ain't going to listen to your "wonderful" ideas any more.



Take That!

Sarah Palin Passes Out at GOP Fund-Raiser!

RNC Riot Police Poster

The Daily Show puts up a Billboard for the RNC convention

Oligarchy (Greek, Oligarkh�a) is a form of government where political power effectively rests with a small elite segment of society (whether distinguished by wealth, family, military powers or spiritual hegemony). The word oligarchy is translated into "rule by few." Compare with autocracy (rule by one person) and democracy (rule by the people).

We're Getting ready! RNC Welcoming Committee trailer

Nation's Poor Win Election For Nation's Rich

WASHINGTON, DC�The economically disadvantaged segment of the U.S. population provided the decisive factor in another presidential election last Tuesday, handing control of the government to the rich and powerful once again.

"The Republican party�the party of industrial mega-capitalists, corporate financiers, power brokers, and the moneyed elite�would like to thank the undereducated rural poor, the struggling blue-collar workers in Middle America, and the God-fearing underpriviledged minorities who voted George W. Bush back into office," Karl Rove, senior advisor to Bush, told reporters at a press conference Monday. "You have selflessly sacrificed your well-being and voted against your own economic interest. For this, we humbly thank you."

"My family's been suffering ever since I lost my job at the screen-door factory, and I haven't seen a doctor for well on four years now," said father of four Buddy Kaldrin of Eerie, CO. "Shit, I don't even remember what a dentist's chair looks like... Basically, I'd give up if it weren't for God's grace. So it's good to know we have a president who cares about religion, too."

Kaldrin added: "That's why I always vote straight-ticket Republican, just like my daddy did, before he lost the farm and shot himself in the head, and just like his daddy did, before he died of black-lung disease in the company coal mines."

"Our society is falling apart�our treasured values are under attack by terrorists," said Ellen Blaine of Givens, OH, a tiny rural farming community as likely to be attacked by terrorists as it is to be hit by a meteor. "We need someone with old-time morals in the White House. I may not have much of anything in this world, but at least I have my family."

"John Kerry is a flip-flopper," she continued. "I saw it on TV. Who knows what terrible things might've happened to my sons overseas if he'd been put in charge?"

"The alliance between the tiny fraction at the top of the pyramid and the teeming masses of mouth-breathers at its enormous base has never been stronger," a triumphant Bush said. "We have an understanding, them and us. They help us stay rich, and in return, we help them stay poor. See? No matter what naysayers may think, the system works."

Republicans Urge Minorities To Get Out And Vote On Nov. 3

MIAMI, FL�With the knowledge that the minority vote will be crucial in the upcoming presidential election, Republican Party officials are urging blacks, Hispanics, and other minorities to make their presence felt at the polls on Wednesday, Nov. 3.

"Minority voters should make their unique voices heard, especially the African-American voting bloc, which is always a major factor in every election," said Florida Republican Party voter-drive organizer Mark Monreal, as he handed out flyers at a community center in the mostly black Miami neighborhood of South Farms. "That's why we put up hundreds of brightly colored banners featuring Martin Luther King Jr. and the 'Vote November 3' reminder. We needed to make sure they know when we want them at polling places."

"You can't walk through a black neighborhood here in Miami without seeing our 'Don't Forget Big Wednesday!' message up on a billboard, tacked to a phone booth, or taped to a bus shelter," Monreal added. "The Republican Party has spared no expense in this endeavor."

GOP committees in Ohio, Iowa, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Pennsylvania, Oregon, and Florida have spent more than $3 million on pamphlets, posters, stickers, and T-shirts bearing such slogans as "Put America First�Vote On The Third!" and "November 3rd Is Your Time To Be Heard."

Monreal said Republican volunteers will be available to drive minorities to polling places on Nov. 3.

"We'll even stay at home with them the day before, to help them prepare for the act of voting," Monreal said. "We'll engage in concentrated one-on-one tutoring the entire day, to make sure these voters focus on the important act of voting, rather than going outside, reading newspapers, or watching television."

Eminem's "Mosh"

Regardless of your opinion of Eminem, this new video for his song "Mosh" is powerful stuff.

Click it.. Listen.. Learn

http://www.gnn.tv/videos/video.php?id=28

Also.. Check out this rap video http://www.supadubya.com/

Hundreds Of Republicans Injured In Rush To Discredit Kerry

WASHINGTON, DC�George Washington Memorial Hospital is struggling to deal with an influx of Republicans with concussions, broken bones, and internal injuries suffered during the recent stampede to discredit Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry, emergency-room personnel reported Monday.

Polder said he has not seen so many right-wing injuries since the late '90s, when hundreds of Republicans were hurt climbing on and off the Newt Gingrich bandwagon.

I was in the crowd on the National Archive steps," conservative Washington Times columnist Paul Greenberg said, holding his head as he awaited treatment for deep shock and moral outrage. "When I realized everyone else there also wanted abstracts of Kerry's congressional voting records, I started to run. I guess we all had the same idea at the same time. It feels like I got rolled over by a 10-ton think tank."

"I was lucky, though," Greenberg said, wrapping himself in the flag. "Worst thing hurt was my pride."

Los Angeles producer Margaret Oakes said the set of the TV show Roundtable was overrun with frantic conservatives.

"I tried telling them to stop, that they were only hurting themselves, but they didn't seem to fear for their credibility one bit," Oakes said. "One woman tried to get to the front of the crowd, slipped, and fell face-first into a forest of microphone stands. When I asked her where she was hurt, she said, 'the cheek... of that man to misrepresent his voting record on gay marriage.'"

"Let us not rush to judgment and inadvertently hurt our own image," Rep. Chris Shays (R-CT) said Sunday. "This Republican-on-Republican violence must end."

Shays added that his prayers are with Rush Limbaugh's family. The conservative radio personality died Tuesday when a busload of pro-Bush Vietnam veterans, in their rush to lambast Kerry on the air, ran a red light, swerved to avoid a carload of National Review reporters, and smashed through the wall of the Excellence In Broadcasting studio, killing Limbaugh and three sound technicians.

Election Day moved to yesterday due to terror concerns

Official: Precinct voting locations, dates, times had to be kept secret for citizens' safety

Washington � The U.S. Presidential election originally scheduled for November 2 of this year was moved to yesterday, and preliminary results show a decisive reelection victory for George W. Bush. The Federal Election Commission said that the threat of a major terrorist attack forced the rescheduling, which was so abrupt that the government had no time to inform citizens of the change.

Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security Tom Ridge said that the threat of terror would not affect the outcome of a major election. "No terror threat will ever be allowed to stop Americans from exercising their right to choose President Bush to continue to be their president," said Secretary Ridge.

Officials credit the government's total secrecy regarding polling locations and the date and times they would be open with the success of avoiding a major attack. "Al Qaeda would have loved to get some of that information, but we wisely kept it out of their reach," said a Homeland Security official.

President Bush spoke to the nation after the low number of votes were counted by the handful of precinct who actually received votes. "The terrorists have lost again," the President declared. "The winners are the American people who somehow found themselves in a polling location sometime between two o'clock and two-thirty this morning by some random act of God and were able to participate in the democratic process."

Republicans Outraged By Inaccuracies In Metallica Documentary

WASHINGTON, DC�Republican congressmen lambasted the documentary Metallica: Some Kind Of Monster for its "gross inaccuracies and fabrications" Monday. "[Filmmakers] Joe Berlinger and Bruce Sinofsky are clearly biased," Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert said.

"By editing together concert footage from three different mediocre shows, they have given the general public a false impression that Metallica still kicks ass." Hastert added that there is no hard evidence to support the film's argument that the album St. Anger has more thrashing riffs than Kill 'Em All.

Bush Posts Classified Ad For 90,000 Troops

WASHINGTON, DC�In an effort to relieve the burden on his overextended armed forces in Iraq, President Bush placed a four-line classified ad in the Monday edition of 75 U.S. newspapers. "WANTED: motivated, dedicated, obedient people looking for career in growing field of nation liberation," the ad read. "90,000 jobs avail. F/T days, nights, weekends. No exp. necessary. Will train. Arabic a plus. Starter pay, solid benefits." To further boost military enlistment rates, Bush plans to post the job offer at un-employment offices in 300 cities across the country.

NEWS FLASH: Cheney Enters Presidential Race Himself

WASHINGTON, DC�As President Bush's public-approval ratings hit an all-time low, Vice-President Dick Cheney announced Monday that he has been "forced" to throw his hat into the ring for the 2004 presidential race.

"Enough is enough,'" the visibly annoyed Cheney said at a morning press conference. "George blew the whole Iraqi prison-abuse speech, and he barely did better with his Nicholas Berg reaction. Now he's below 50 percent in the polls. I'm sorry, but I can't allow him to drag me down with him in November."

"Do I have to do everything around here?" Cheney asked, pausing to gesture angrily around the White House. "I guess I do."

"I was perfectly happy letting George take the spotlight," Cheney said. "If things didn't look so grim, I would've continued to direct the re-election campaign from the wings. But I could see that it was time to get out�now, before the first debate."
The announcement of Cheney's bid for the presidency came as a major surprise, even to political insiders.

"It seems sudden, but it's not," he said. "I've been mulling this over ever since the last State Of The Union address, to be honest. I decided to go through with it last night, when I stopped by the president's office to discuss a speech I'd dropped off earlier that day and caught him sitting on the couch, watching Fox News and eating Fritos. He hadn't even picked the damn thing up. I exploded. I said, 'That's it. Next year, I'm running this country myself.'"

Some have called Cheney the most active vice-president in the history of the executive branch. Cheney characterized this view of his term as the "understatement of the year."

"Every damn thing he did right since 2000 I told him to do," Cheney said. "You think Afghanistan was his idea? The tax cuts? The Medicare bill? No, no, and no. But all my years of hard work go right down the drain when he stands up in front of everyone and mispronounces [Italian prime minister] Silvio Berlusconi's name."

"Let me tell you this: It'd be a lot easier just to give a speech myself and do it right, rather than spending six hours trying to explain everything to the president�only to have him botch it anyway," Cheney said. "That 'I don't know what you're saying and I don't care' look in his eyes when I start talking policy drives me absolutely bonkers. And he wonders why the reporters are so hard on him."

"Cheney's definitely got the chops for the job," House Speaker Dennis Hastert said. "Frankly, he's been very patient with the president. He's given him every chance to get his act together, but you can't keep your money on a losing horse."

When pressed to name a possible running mate, Cheney was somewhat reserved. "I don't want to tip my hand," Cheney said. "But right now I'm taking a good long look at the governor of Florida. He seems like he'd be a little easier to handle."

House Inappropriations Committee Suggests Nation's Women Dress A Little Sexier

WASHINGTON, DC�In a policy initiative released Monday, the chairman of the House Inappropriations Committee suggested that the women of America start to dress a little more provocatively.

"Why don't they wear some shorter skirts?" U.S. Rep. Bill Young (R-FL) said. "They've got nice legs. They should show 'em off." Young said he could offer American females even more suggestions if Congress would underwrite a fact-finding tour to Miami Beach.

Media Numbnuts

Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity finally snapped last week (in unison, predictably) and declared that the pictures of prisoner abuse in Iraq - which even Karl Rove concedes have set the Arab world's view of the US back "decades" - were nothing more than a little light-hearted fun.

Said Limbaugh, "This is no different than what happens at the Skull and Bones initiation, and we're going to ruin people's lives over it... These were just boys and girls blowing off steam during a stressful situation. Let's not make an international incident out of it, for crying out loud." A guest on Hannity and Colmes said that the pictures were no worse than a frat hazing. "So in other words, this is not a big deal?" replied Sean. (Hannity had already compared the prisoner abuse to frat hazing on his radio show earlier in the week.)

Now, I don't know if it's escaped Rush and Sean's attention, but generally speaking frat members don't go around pulling random people off the street and hazing them against their will. Come to that, how can these two giants of morality look at the pictures and even try to make excuses? I wonder... if Iraqi soldiers took Sean and Rush away from their families, put them in a jail cell, stripped them naked, put hoods over their heads, forced to simulate oral sex on their fellow inmates, put a leash around their necks and dragged them around on all fours, piled them up in a heap of other naked inmates, and beat the shit out of them - would they still consider it to be "not a big deal?"

Peace Talks Just An Excuse To Visit Scenic Mideast

WASHINGTON, DC�White House officials announced Monday that representatives from the U.S. will join those from Sweden, Russia, and the U.N. in the Mideast next week to sight-see, sunbathe, and mediate peace talks between Palestine and Israel.

Bush To Iraqi Militants: 'Please Stop Bringing It On'

WASHINGTON, DC�In an internationally televised statement Monday, President Bush modified a July 2003 challenge to Iraqi militants attacking U.S. forces. "Terrorists, Saddam loyalists, and anti-American insurgents: Please stop bringing it on now," Bush said at a Monday press conference.

"Nine months and 500 U.S. casualties ago, I may have invited y'all to bring it on, but as of today, I formally rescind that statement. I would officially like for you to step back." The president added that the "it" Iraqis should stop bringing includes gunfire, bombings, grenade attacks, and suicide missions of all types.

Labor Secretary Has Her Hours Cut

WASHINGTON, DC�Deeming the move "regrettable but necessary," White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card announced Monday that Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao's work hours will be scaled back to 30 per week starting Jan. 26.

"It's merely a cost-cutting measure and says absolutely nothing about Elaine, who's done wonderful work for the Bush Administration since she came on board in 2001," Card said. "Once the economy turns around, the first thing we'll do is return Elaine to her original hours. That's a promise."

Chao's hours will be limited to six per day during a regular Monday-to-Friday workweek, her salary will be cut by 25 percent, and she'll lose the privileges of working flextime hours and earning time-and-a-half pay on weekends and holidays. In addition, Chao's relegation to part-time status means she'll no longer be eligible for health-insurance coverage, matching 401K contributions, or parking validation.

Chao expressed dismay over the decision during a cigarette break in the parking lot of the Labor Department's Frances Perkins Building. "I sorta knew what was up when President Bush called me into the Oval Office, and "Chief Brownnose" was standing there beside him with this bogus sad look on his face," said Chao, referring to Card by the derogatory nickname reportedly used by the members of the White House staff. "The president said he was real sorry, but he either had to cut my hours or let me go. What could I do? I need the job."

"Tables and graphs mapping the worsening situation of the average American worker crossed my desk all the time, but I never thought any of that stuff would affect me," Chao said. "I don't see [Treasury Secretary John] Snow fearing for his job. Then again, he's in charge of the money. The bigwigs see 'labor' in my job title, and they think, 'Hey, we can push her around.'" Continued Chao, "If I were [Health and Human Services Secretary] Tommy Thompson, I'd start looking through the classifieds."

Senate Votes 64-36, for Not Sure On What

WASHINGTON, DC�The U.S. Senate voted 64-36 in favor of S. 546 Monday, despite the lack of any awareness of the bill's contents. "Wait a minute�S. 546?" asked Sen. Kent Conrad (R-ND), hurriedly shuffling through a stack of papers after hearing of the bill's passage. "I tend to just vote with Maria Cantwell [(R-WA)], but apparently, she just voted with Thomas Carper [(R-DE)]. Does anybody know what's in S. 546?! Oh, geez." Conrad said he isn't certain, but that he might remember someone mentioning something about the Big Bend Pine Nursery Land Conveyance Act.

White House adds Novak, Rove, CIA, DOJ to 'Do-Not-Call' bill

Washington � President Bush signed the �do-not-call� bill into law after waiting for the insertion of a provision which forbids certain parties in Washington from contacting each other. The new bill prohibits conservative commentator Robert Novak, political adviser Karl Rove, CIA, the Department of Justice, and the Washington Post from communicating with each other. The improved �do-not-call� bill also forbids anyone in the White House from receiving or making telephone calls.

Democrats said this was an obvious attempt to thwart a full investigation by the Department of Justice into the alleged leak of a CIA operative�s identity by White House officials. White House spokesman Scott McClellan scoffed at that claim, and said that the Bush administration plans to completely cooperate with the investigation. �We�ll stop shredding documents just as soon as Justice asks us to,� McClellan said.

�If anyone has any information regarding this investigation, we urge you to go to the �Do Not Call� website and enter your contact information immediately,� McClellan said.

Schwarzenegger Running Out Of Movie-Related Campaign Slogans

LOS ANGELES�Two months after he announced his candidacy for the California gubernatorial recall election, Arnold Schwarzenegger is running out of movie-related campaign quips. "Government and special-interest groups should not be 'Twins,'" the actor said during the Sept. 24 debate. At a fundraising breakfast Monday, the actor told a confused group of business leaders, "I will 'Jingle All The Way' to Sacramento!" Breakfast attendee Ken Straus said Schwarzenegger "really hit the bottom of the barrel" minutes later, when the actor announced, "In the movies, I played Hercules going bananas. But it's the tax-and-spend Democrats who are really going bananas."

Top Ten Arnold Schwarzenegger Debate Conditions


10. Questions may be answered in English, German, or a combination of both

9. Long breaks to allow screenwriters to craft candidates' responses

8. Debate ends when gasoline truck plows through wall and Arnold gets everyone out just before the whole place blows up

7. Candidates may use their time to show 90-second clip from "Terminator"

6. No tricky words like "budget" or "Sacramento"

5. Attire -- bathing suit and baby oil

4. Candidate receives standard 30-million dollar fee, plus 10 percent of box office gross

3. Moderator -- Lou Ferrigno

2. No questions that can't be answered "I'll be back"

1. Arnold must win

Bush calls in sick, tries to extend vacation at Texas ranch

Crawford, Texas � President Bush, who was originally expected to return to a full schedule at the White House this weekend, has called in sick in an effort to enjoy a few more hours of vacation at his ranch in Texas.

�It�s fine, there�s no work really waiting for me in the Oval Office,� the President said. �A few things to sign are waiting on my desk, but no major fires to put out, according to my secretary. I�m sure the American people won�t mind if they go without a leader another day or two.� White House officials took the President�s decision in stride, and admitted that the odds that someone will attack the United States over Labor Day weekend was �pretty low.�

Vice-President Dick Cheney suggested to the President that he schedule a half-day on his first day back at the White House, so Bush can ease into his role as leader of the world�s only superpower more smoothly. Aides say that the President has gained several pounds over his vacation, from a combination of dinner fund-raisers and late-night Twinkie binges.

Bush Diagnosed With Attention-To-Deficit Disorder

WASHINGTON, DC�Pointing to massive war-time tax cuts, physicians from the Congressional Budget Office diagnosed President Bush with attention-to-deficit disorder Tuesday. "The president exhibits all the symptoms of ATDD: impulsiveness, restlessness, inability to focus on mounting U.S. debt likely to reach $400 billion by the year's end," Dr. Terrence Spellman said. "Failing to address his affliction could lead to serious long-term fiscal health problems for future generations of Americans." To treat the president's ATDD, Spellman prescribed Ritalin and an introductory course in high-school economics.

GSA crony Kisses Congressman Cox�s Ass in Public

Yesterday (4-28-03) I had the distinct dis-pleasure to attend a public meeting held in Irvine California to explain the turn-over of the El Toro Marine airbase to 4 multi-national companies (or as they called it an internet auction).

As a resident of Irvine I have been watching the political turmoil over the last 5 years on how to they were going to dispose of the military base that was to be shutdown. After surviving the �Airport Plan� our city council pushed for the �Great Park� plan and had it approved by the voters last year.

U. S. Congressman Christopher Cox was for years Pro-Airport and Anti-Park but �Teflon Cox� has now decided to take credit for it all and to celebrate his flip-flop they had this big �Dog and Pony� show with senior representatives from the navy and GSA (general services agency). It is worth noting that the Irvine city mayor, Larry Agran and the city council (who fought for the park) were not invited to the table and never mentioned by name. This was Cox�s show!

The highlight of the event was the speech by GSA Regional Administrator, Peter Stamison. He started out letting everyone know that he was appointed by ex-governor Pete Wilson and had turned down an appointment by the Bush administration to move to Washington (for some unknown reason) to stay with the GSA. He then proceeded to shamelessly praise Cox�s leadership in fighting to reduce taxes. What does that have to do with a base turnover? Calling him the �top republican from California� he then heaped praise on him for getting an �A� rating from the most conservative anti-tax PAC in the country. Then he asked the audience to stand and applaud this �stellar republican figure� while shaking his hand. This was really a �Cox for President� rally under the guise of a base turnover.

Oh, My, God! Teflon Cox did it again!