Stone the Killer Whale Who Killed the Trainer

The American Family Association, a fundamentalist christian group, is urging that Tillikum (Tilly), the "killer" whale that killed it's trainer at SeaWorld Orlando, be killed, preferably by stoning. Citing Tilly's history of violent "altercations", the group is slamming SeaWorld for not listening to Scripture in how to deal with the animal:

Says the ancient civil code of Israel, "When an ox gores a man or woman to death, the ox shall be stoned, and its flesh shall not be eaten, but the owner shall not be liable." (Exodus 21:28)"

However, the group is going further and laying the blame for the trainer's death directly at the feet of Chuck Thompson, the curator in charge of animal behavior, because, according to Scripture, if one of your animals kills a second time because you didn't kill it after it claimed its first human victim, this time you die right along with your animal!

To use the example from Exodus, if your Ox kills a second time, "the Ox shall be stoned, and its owner also shall be put to death." (Exodus 21:29)

SeaWorld has said it has no plans to execute Tilly or Chuck.

Christian Cos-play

Here we see fake angles beating the crap out of a fake devil in a re-enactment from the anime movie "The Uber Coming". These colorful participants were photographed at the entrance to this years Comic-Con convention in San Diego.

What Happens After You Die

Construction On My New Temple

Only two months till the Grand Opening!

Checklist for the End of the World

God is Dead

New York (AP): Police today found God Jesus and his Mother Mary brutily shot in his upper east-side apartment. Police say they suspect it was either a mob revenge killing or a drug deal gone bad.

now get over it!

Sex with Ducks

Riki "Garfunkel" Lindhome and Kate "Oates" Micucci sing a pro-gay marriage song in response to a Pat Robertson quote that legalizing gay marriage would lead to legalizing sex with animals!

Christ Meets Godzilla

Jesus meets Godzilla on the Sea of Galilee. Boat gets trashed. No survivors.

2009 Slam/Bam Award - Funniest Animated Gif "God Tests Adam"

BAM!

Of all the cute, silly, and funny animated gif's produced this year "God Tests Adam" is the hands-down winner. This graphic has everything! Parody, Christianity, art, sex, morals, nudity, the hand of god, creation, procreation, and a funny hard-on to boot.

Boing, Boing!


The 2009 Slam/Bam Award is presented to the Best and Worst of our culture for the year 2009 according to extensive polling of the exceptionally intelligent and thoughtful fans of Sushi Bandit's Blog O' Rama.

Caller asks GOP senator if he prayed hard enough for other senators to die

A caller who reached CSPAN asked a Republican senator if he'd prayed hard enough for Democratic Sen. Robert Byrd (D-WV) to die on Tuesday.

"We got our vigil together and took Sen. Coburn's instructions and prayed real hard that Sen. Byrd would either die or couldn't show up at the vote the other night," the called, dubbed "Abraham" from Georgia remarked. "How hard did you pray, because I see one of our members is missing this morning. Did it backfire on us? Did one of our members die?"

"How hard did you pray?" he adds. "Did you pray hard enough?" He appears to break into tears at the end.

The caller appeared to be referring to Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK), who missed one of the Senate's healthcare votes.

Senator Tom Coburn (R-OK) announced Sunday he was hoping -- even praying -- that one of his Democratic colleagues somehow could not manage to cast a vote on health care in the wee hours of Monday morning. Liberal critics saw the remarks as a thinly veiled aside against 92-year-old Sen. Robert Byrd (D-WV), who had to be wheeled in in a wheelchair to vote. (He did.)

Two for Hell Please!

The fundie can't bare to look.

Jesus Christ's Stunt Double

Yea, it's got it's advantages... I'll never get lung cancer.

What is Christianity?

The belief that a cosmic Jewish zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree… yeah, that makes perfect sense to me.

God Makes the Earth

all other stories are false...

What Religion Does To You

Why I Don't Live in San Francisco

God: How did you die?
Answer: While driving my VW in Frisco I came to a stop light at the top of the hill. When the light changed I tried to put it into 1st gear, but before I could, it rolled back into the bay and I drowned.
God: Your stupid, go to hell.

I Love Christian Music

The End of the World According to the Bible

Cheating SC Gov says God will "Make Him Better"

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, still clinging to office after admitting to an extramarital affair, wrote in an opinion piece released Sunday that God will change him so he can emerge from the scandal a more humble and effective leader.

So God will change him? Into what??

A bigger dick then he already is?
A better lier so he wont get caught again?
A circus clown so no one will recognize him in SC? (wait, that doesn't work anymore)
A heap of gelatinous goo?

I vote for Goo!

Proof that there is No God

If there was a god, how could he let a thing like this happen?!

American Crusifix

Your Prayer for the Day

God, Grant me the strength to change what I can,
the inability to accept what I can't,
and the incapacity to tell the difference.

Can I believe in anything anymore?

OK, as a child I was crushed when I heard on the school yard that Santa was not real, he was my parents. As a teen I was told I had a constitutionally guaranteed right to assemble. That was dashed at my first anti-war protest when we were attacked by police. And now I just learned that Van Gogh's did not cut off his ear, his buddy Paul Gauguin did it during a fight. Next you will be saying there is no Jesus or god… oh, wait… I already know that!

Pope Says "Put a Bible Over Your Penis"

POPE Benedict last night claimed that placing a bible over an erect penis before intercourse is the only guaranteed way to prevent the spread of Aids.

Speaking before his tour of Africa, the Pontiff said Aids could only be tackled by the 'traditional teaching of the church' and not a latex rubber sheath that contains infected semen and prevents it from transferring the virus to another human being.

Experts said that either the Pope is suggesting the bible is used like a condom, or he doesn't know what a condom is.

Dr Emma Bradford, of Reading University, said: "I guess you would have to rip out a few pages of Leviticus and then somehow fashion them into a condom-like device using lots and lots of masking tape (which may cause chafing).

Dr Bradford added: "Suggesting that the African Aids epidemic can be contained simply by reading the bible would be criminally insane."

Religious People Rapidly Vanishing From America

Good news, atheists! The mythological “Rapture” appears to be happening, in America. But it’s happening very, very slowly. While the United States was 86% Christian less than two decades ago, in 1990, last year that percentage fell to 76%. And a full 15% of Americans now say they are not religious at all — nearly double the percentage of godless heathens since 1990.

Socialist pagan Barack Obama plans to accelerate this trend by putting Rick Warren on national teevee at least once a year, so that people having second thoughts about this whole religion thing will look at this fat turd and then quickly dump their bibles in the incinerator.

NFL to Draft Jesus, Passes on Tebow

Florida QB Tim Tebow, the darling of the NCAA will be passed over during the upcoming NFL draft. National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell when asked why the Heisman winner and 2-time national champion QB was not considered, “It has become obvious that Tebow credits all his success to Jesus Christ.” “His statements and even the writing in his eye-blackout paint point not to his athletic ability or intelligence but to Jesus.” Goodell continued, “In fact he rarely mentions his team or coaches, just this Jesus guy, so we need to get him under contract ASAP.”

Sports agent Drew Rosenhaus has issued a press release announcing his representation of J.C. “He is a great talent and will lead his chosen team right to the Super Bowl.” Tebow was unavailable for comment.

Things I learned this Christmas holiday…

1. I always end up with the least amount of gifts. ALWAYS
2. It never seems like the holidays when you live in Hawaii. It’s just too warm.
3. Israel always has a shooting war with the Palestinians during Christmas. I think they do it because they know the Christians aren’t paying attention.
4. The same relatives always send their Christmas gifts late. Maybe we should drop Christmas and just celebrate New Year’s instead.
5. Every time I hear “Kwanzaa” I think of a “Quonset Hut”
6. Nobody wants fruit cakes anymore.

Vatican Refuses to Release Jesus' Birth Certificate

Why is the Vatican refusing to release Jesus' birth certificate for verification?

This entire controversy could easily be cleared up if the Vatican would just allow us to view the documentation to determine his birth date and nationality.
Also, what is the nationality of his mother and step-father?
What is his relationship to the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus?
Come-on, what is Jesus and the Vatican hiding???

Why I'm Not Catholic

Use Me

We've been very very dirty!

Conventional vrs. Religious Logic

Trailer Hitch Jesus

In the name of Zeus, what were they thinking?

ROBERTSON BLAMES HURRICANE ON CHOICE OF ELLEN DEGENERES TO HOST EMMYS

Hollywood – Pat Robertson on Sunday said that Hurricane Katrina was God’s way of expressing its anger at the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences for its selection of Ellen Degeneres to host this year’s Emmy Awards. “By choosing an avowed lesbian for this national event, these Hollywood elites have clearly invited God’s wrath,” Robertson said on “The 700 Club” on Sunday. “Is it any surprise that the Almighty chose to strike at Miss Degeneres’ hometown?”Robertson also noted that the last time Degeneres hosted the Emmys, in 2001, the September 11 terrorism attacks took place shortly before the ceremony.

“This is the second time in a row that God has invoked a disaster shortly before lesbian Ellen Degeneres hosted the Emmy Awards,” Robertson explained to his approximately one million viewers. “America is waiting for her to apologize for the death and destruction that her sexual deviance has brought onto this great nation.”

Robertson added that other tragedies of the past several years can be linked to Degeneres’ growing national prominence. September, 2003, for example, is both the month that her talk show debuted and when insurgents first gained a foothold in Iraq following the successful March invasion. “Now we know why things took a turn for the worse,” he explained.

In order to avoid further tragedy, Robertson called not only for the Television Academy to find a new heterosexual host, but to bar all homosexuals and bisexuals from taking part in the ceremony.

He said employees at the Christian Broadcasting Network had put together a list of 283 nominees, presenters, and invited guests at the Emmys known to be of sexually deviant persuasions.

“God already allows one awards show to promote the homosexual agenda,” Robertson declared. “But clearly He will not tolerate such sinful behavior to spread beyond the Tonys.”

Top 10 Biblical Way to Acquire a Wife

Now I know why Christians don’t do on-line dating services.

10. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. -- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
9. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. -- (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
8. Find a prostitute and marry her. -- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)
7. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. -- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
6. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. -- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
5. Don't be so picky! Make up for quality with quantity. (Mormons like this one) -- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
4. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.) -- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
3. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. -- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
2. (I like this one) Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. -- David (I Samuel 18:27)
1. A wife?...NOT!!! -- Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

Man tries to convert lions to Jesus, gets bitten

46-year-old leaps into den at Taipei Zoo, calls beasts to Christianity

TAIPEI, Taiwan - A man leaped into a lion’s den at the Taipei Zoo on Wednesday to try to convert the king of beasts to Christianity, but was bitten in the leg for his efforts. “Jesus will save you!” shouted the 46-year-old man at two African lions lounging under a tree a few meters away. “Come bite me!” he said with both hands raised, television footage showed. One of the lions, a large male with a shaggy mane, bit the man in his right leg before zoo workers drove it off with water hoses and tranquilizer guns. Newspapers said that the lions had been fed earlier in the day, otherwise the man might have been more seriously hurt ... or worse.

note: the lion said that he tasted like shit.

No drinking in the mourning, say priests

Downing pints of beer and telling blue jokes at funeral services will no longer be tolerated by Roman Catholic priests in Ireland.

In a move aimed at halting the growing trend towards "a la carte" funerals, mourners have been warned against placing photographs and football shirts on coffins. The worst examples of inappropriate behaviour during services that have been cited by priests included the drinking of cans of beer in memory of the deceased during one eulogy, and a display of women's underwear on a coffin on another occasion.

One eulogy was even delivered in the style of a best man's speech, complete with risque jokes. But now the National Centre for Liturgy, which looks after church rituals, has announced moves to curb such irreligious behaviour. Its spokesman, Father Patrick Jones, said the guidelines were intended to promote best practice rather than tell relatives how to grieve.

This year, pop songs were given the boot from weddings in County Kerry, in the south-west of Ireland. Celine Dion's My Heart Will Go On, from the film Titanic, and the song Angels by Robbie Williams had been popular requests.

One word for this “BORING!”

Breastfeeding driver stuns police

A US woman has been sentenced to three months house arrest after being spotted breastfeeding her child while driving. Catherine Donkers, 29, was nursing her baby daughter on an Ohio highway while driving at 65mph.

She said she did not stop because she was talking on the phone to her husband and taking notes on the steering wheel. Donkers is said to belong to a sect which requires her to follow her husband's orders. She was convicted of breaking child restraint laws.

Donkers, who was driving from Pittsburgh to Detroit at the time of her arrest, was also found guilty of driving without a licence and failing to comply with officers. She drove for three miles without stopping despite officers demanding she pull over. She finally pulled off the road and stopped near a toll booth, she said, because she felt it was safe there.

"When I haven't done anything wrong, why would I... sacrifice my principles?" she told local radio, adding she felt her civil rights had been violated. Donkers reportedly said she fed the baby on her husband's orders to save time. Donkers and her husband are believed to be members of an organisation called the First Christian Fellowship for Eternal Sovereignty which instructs that the husband is the head of the family and a wife can submit to punishment only from him.

The fellowship, thought to have been founded in the state of Nevada in the 1990s, is said to have a history of challenging US government laws. Donkers now has 30 days to decide whether she intends to appeal against her sentence.

Pope John Paul II - 25 Years of Laughs

VATICAN CITY—As Pope John Paul II enters his 26th year as pontiff, the world is stopping to reflect on the legendary funnyman's career as one of the most influential performers in modern history. Standing staunchly against contraception and women's equality right through the turn of the 21st century, the pope and his quirky, deadpan comic persona still entertain audiences around the world.

Revered by multiple generations for his weird and wonderful wit, the 83-year-old pontiff is perhaps the best-known stand-up alive today. Throughout an amazing two and a half decades as head of the Catholic Church, the pope has produced, in both his live appearances and his published works, a treasure trove of humor second to none.

"I can still remember seeing him do his classic 'Galileo' bit in the early '90s," said fellow comedian George Carlin, referring to the pope's 1992 declaration that the church erred in condemning Galileo. "Here was this man, appearing on televisions around the world, making a proclamation that the sun does not move around the earth. I laughed until tears rolled down my cheeks." "No one could touch the pope," Carlin added. "Hell, no one even tried. He was in a class of his own. One of a kind."

"The pope would always lean on his material about sex," director Woody Allen said. "He had this crazy, special way of looking at the world. I definitely count him among my influences." "People would wait in line for hours to see him," comedian Joey Bishop said. "And he never failed to deliver. He'd be out there working the crowd—shaking hands, kissing babies. Wherever he went, they loved him."