What is Christianity?

The belief that a cosmic Jewish zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree� yeah, that makes perfect sense to me.

What Religion Does To You

Cheating SC Gov says God will "Make Him Better"

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, still clinging to office after admitting to an extramarital affair, wrote in an opinion piece released Sunday that God will change him so he can emerge from the scandal a more humble and effective leader.

So God will change him? Into what??

A bigger dick then he already is?
A better lier so he wont get caught again?
A circus clown so no one will recognize him in SC? (wait, that doesn't work anymore)
A heap of gelatinous goo?

I vote for Goo!

Fuck You US Commerce Association!

So I get this e-mail today. "You have been awarded the Best of Chicago 2009 Award in the Restaurants category by the US Commerce Association."

What the Fuck?? Chicago? Restaurant?? Who are these people??? Cucina Bella was a defunct Chicago Italian Eatery that closed it's doors over 4 years ago... 4 fucking years ago... Then I bought the rights to the name and opened a kitchenware store on MAUI with the same name... mind you the ONLY Cucina Bella in the whole fucking United States. It closed last year because of George Fucking Bush's Depression, LAST YEAR. So now I get an award for having a restaurant that is one of the best in Chicago! Who fucking voted for this? Dead People??

So they put this press release on their website:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Cucina Bella Receives 2009 Best of Chicago Award

U.S. Commerce Association�s Award Plaque Honors the Achievement

WASHINGTON D.C., June 8, 2009 -- Cucina Bella has been selected for the 2009 Best of Chicago Award in the Restaurants category by the U.S. Commerce Association (USCA).

The USCA "Best of Local Business" Award Program recognizes outstanding local businesses throughout the country. Each year, the USCA identifies companies that they believe have achieved exceptional marketing success in their local community and business category. These are local companies that enhance the positive image of small business through service to their customers and community. Various sources of information were gathered and analyzed to choose the winners in each category. The 2009 USCA Award Program focused on quality, not quantity. Winners are determined based on the information gathered both internally by the USCA and data provided by third parties.

.... OK I get it... They want me to buy their $189.00 fucking plak to hang on my wall cause all their data and interviews said that I must own a restaurant in Chicago!

These people at the US Commerce Association need to be castrated with a rusty knife from my defunct kitchenware store.