Certified!

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Will Ferrell

Zooey Elf

Jesus Christ's Stunt Double

Yea, it's got it's advantages... I'll never get lung cancer.

Great Television Here

It almost makes you want to be gay...

Pee-Wee, did you do that to the nice girl?

Movies I Missed

I must have been out of town.

Question, Answer

Soupy Sales, R.I.P.

Ya gotta see what Soupy saw in this live broadcast!

Henry Gibson R.I.P.

Why I Don't Live in San Francisco

God: How did you die?
Answer: While driving my VW in Frisco I came to a stop light at the top of the hill. When the light changed I tried to put it into 1st gear, but before I could, it rolled back into the bay and I drowned.
God: Your stupid, go to hell.

Life Aquatic

Zissou: I�m going to find it and I�m going to destroy it. I don�t know how yet. Possibly with dynamite.

Stewart Smalley to Save Senate!

Yes, Stewart Smalley, aka Al Franken, was finally elected to the U.S. Senate! After a feeble and degrading challenge to his election by "I'm not really a Jew" Norm Coleman, Stewart can now set his sights on Capital Hill. His first order of business will be to meet with each senator privately to discuss their lack of self esteem. "The first law I would like to pass is entitled "The Bi-Partisan Group Hug Act" which will require all in congress to hug each other before and after each session. Belive me, they all need a hug and after this election, I do too!

Your Prayer for the Day

God, Grant me the strength to change what I can,
the inability to accept what I can't,
and the incapacity to tell the difference.

My Visit to the Golden Gate Bridge

I was in San Fransisco once, walking along the Golden Gate Bridge, and I saw this guy on the bridge about to jump. So I thought I'd try to stall and detain him, long enough for me to put the film in. I said, "Don't jump!" and he turns... You've heard of the elephant man. He was kind of like that, he had a, well, you could say he had the head of a horse. And my heart went out to him. I said, "Why the long face?"
He said, "'Cause all my life people have called me mean names like horses-head or Flicka or chess-piece or Trigger..."
I said, "Well, don't worry about it, Ed. It can't be that bad."
He said, "My girlfriend's suing me!"
I said, "For palomino?"
He said, "Why was I put on this Earth?"
I said, "My friend, anywhere else you wouldn't stand a chance."
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you, you silly ninny."
He said, "How do you know there's a God?"
I said, "Of course there's a God. Do you think that billions of years ago a bunch of molecules floating around at random could someday have had the sense of humor to make you look like that?"
He said, "I do believe in God."
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me too. Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! What franchise?"
He says, "Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He says, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He says, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I say, "Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist or Northern Conservative Reform Baptist?"
He says, "Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist."
I say, "Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Eastern Region?"
He says, "Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I say, "Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879 or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He says, "Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over!

My Website's Error Pages for Users of Internet Explorer 6

If you havn't see these before then your cool!

The Heimlich Maneuver

Once, when I was in New York City, I went to the library. I said, "I'd like a book on the Heimlich anti-choking maneuver," and the guy said, "Look at the card catalog. I'm busy." So I go to the card catalog. I look under Heimlich and choking and maneuver. It's not any of those places. And I see this first aid book with the section and I take it and that guy said, "It's a reference book. You can't take it out; you have to Xerox it." I said, "Do you have change for a dollar?" He said, "It's not a bank, it's a library." So I go to this souvenir stand and I said, "Do you have change for a dollar?" They said, "It's not a bank, it's a souvenir stand." So I go to this bank, and they said, "Yes, this is a bank." And they give me the change and I go back to the libary. By this time there's a line of students Xeroxing their books and whatever and I -- finally get to Xerox the Heimlich. As I go back the guy says, "Put it back, now that you've used it." So I put it back. And as I leave, he says, "Thank you." I said, "Well, thank you! I'm never coming to this barn again." And I went back to my car. Now by this time, my sister's almost purple from the chicken bone...

Emo Philips: Word of Wisdom

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

I discovered my wife in bed with another man. I was crushed. So I said, �Get off me, you two!�

I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid ... and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

Never Forget...

More Best of Quagmire

1957 Album of the Year

Women Know Your Limits!

Got Kids?

Peekaboo Pole Dancing Kit

New Words for 2007

1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming up stream, only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to couch potato.

8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

14. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).

18. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.

19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a cube farm.

GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2007

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavoured water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavoured water is called a soft drink. You want flavoured water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavoured water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis .

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf Grande, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27 months." "He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying,
"Do you want fries with that?"

Girls and their "Bloat Gland"

Oh yes, I know about the �Bloat Gland�. It�s that thing that all girls have but surprisingly medical science will not admit that it exists.

As you know I am a VERY observant guy. I have seen many girls stand around and talk about being bloated. �Can you see how Bloated I am? Just look at me! I wasn�t like that this-morning. I just feel so disgusted and sooo bloated�.

In fact, girls like to get together and compare how bloated they are.

My personal research on this subject is quite extensive since I have a wife, 3 daughters, and a long history as a �Ladies Man.� I came to realize that the swelling of Bloat Gland is directly related to a girl�s bitchy-ness. In fact I have developed a scale to measure this. It is called the �Bloat-O-Bitch� scale.

0-4 - Everything is OK.
5-7 - Girls start bitching that they can not get into the jeans they wore yesterday.
8 - They start crying because they are getting fat and nothing fits anymore.
9 - All men are advised to leave the room immediately since they will become the subject of an unbearable tirade about how it�s their fault she is like this.
10 - Well need I say any more? It gets too graphic for this page!

The only things that reduce bloating is time, a spoon, and a gallon of Ice Cream.

Technology to Address Men�s Etiquette

A British company is developing computer chips that will store music in women�s breast implants.

This is being considered a major break-through and will solve a perennial problem: Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them�

Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don�t panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Are you clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: just cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Mexico issues stamp honoring CAFTA

Archaeological Dig Uncovers Ancient Race Of Skeleton People

AL JIZAH, EGYPT�A team of British and Egyptian archaeologists made a stunning discovery Monday, unearthing several intact specimens of "skeleton people"�skinless, organless humans who populated the Nile delta region an estimated 6,000 years ago.

"This is an incredible find," said Dr. Christian Hutchins, Oxford University archaeologist and head of the dig team. "Imagine: At one time, this entire area was filled with spooky, bony, walking skeletons."

"Like humans, these creatures walked upright on two legs and possessed highly developed opposable thumbs," Edmund-White said. "These and many other similarities lend credence to the theory that hundreds of thousands of years ago, human development passed through a skeletal stage. These skeletons may, in fact, be ancestors of us all."

"The implications are staggering," Hutchins continued. "We now know that the skeletons we see in horror films and on Halloween are not mere products of the imagination, but actually lived on Earth."

Although we found crude cooking utensils in the area, as well as evidence of crafts like pottery and weaving, we are inclined to believe that the skeletons' chief activity was jumping out at nearby humans and scaring them. And though we know little of their language and means of communication, it is likely that they said 'boogedy-boogedy' a lot."

The Last of Jack Handey's Wisdom!

FYI you can read the other Jack Handey installments posted on November 2nd, 12th, 29th, and December 17th archives...

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in their genitals.

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

Wisdom of Jack Handey Again?

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

How to Impress Your Date

http://www.zefrank.com/date_1/navigation.html ... go ahead, click it! You know you want to...

Even More Wisdom of Jack Handey

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

More Wisdom of Jack Handey

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.

"Of all the imaginary friends I've had, I don't think there was one that I didn't end up having to kill."

When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Yahoo! We're rich! But it turned out to be something different.

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

The Wisdom of Jack Handey

� If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.

� I think a pillow should be the peace symbol, not the dove. The pillow has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have a beak to peck you with.

� When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car.

� Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for help," she could do it.

� If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means something.

� One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a wooden stake.

� I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm using blanks.

� I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know this is someone else's territory.

� Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.

Hundreds Of Republicans Injured In Rush To Discredit Kerry

WASHINGTON, DC�George Washington Memorial Hospital is struggling to deal with an influx of Republicans with concussions, broken bones, and internal injuries suffered during the recent stampede to discredit Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry, emergency-room personnel reported Monday.

Polder said he has not seen so many right-wing injuries since the late '90s, when hundreds of Republicans were hurt climbing on and off the Newt Gingrich bandwagon.

I was in the crowd on the National Archive steps," conservative Washington Times columnist Paul Greenberg said, holding his head as he awaited treatment for deep shock and moral outrage. "When I realized everyone else there also wanted abstracts of Kerry's congressional voting records, I started to run. I guess we all had the same idea at the same time. It feels like I got rolled over by a 10-ton think tank."

"I was lucky, though," Greenberg said, wrapping himself in the flag. "Worst thing hurt was my pride."

Los Angeles producer Margaret Oakes said the set of the TV show Roundtable was overrun with frantic conservatives.

"I tried telling them to stop, that they were only hurting themselves, but they didn't seem to fear for their credibility one bit," Oakes said. "One woman tried to get to the front of the crowd, slipped, and fell face-first into a forest of microphone stands. When I asked her where she was hurt, she said, 'the cheek... of that man to misrepresent his voting record on gay marriage.'"

"Let us not rush to judgment and inadvertently hurt our own image," Rep. Chris Shays (R-CT) said Sunday. "This Republican-on-Republican violence must end."

Shays added that his prayers are with Rush Limbaugh's family. The conservative radio personality died Tuesday when a busload of pro-Bush Vietnam veterans, in their rush to lambast Kerry on the air, ran a red light, swerved to avoid a carload of National Review reporters, and smashed through the wall of the Excellence In Broadcasting studio, killing Limbaugh and three sound technicians.

22-Year-Old Complains Of Age Discrimination

SAN MIGUEL, CA�Passed over for a promotion at Barton Financial Services, little 22-year-old Darren Meeker filed a lawsuit against the company Monday, claiming to be a victim of age discrimination. "Just because someone has 20 years of experience, that doesn't automatically make him more qualified than my client," said attorney Martin Lippman, who represents the whiny shit. "In his first seven months on the job, Mr. Meeker has more than proven his potential." The little prick was unavailable for comment.

Bunch Of Hick Nobodies Sue For Toxic-Waste Exposure

SHREWSBURY, WV�A bunch of local, piss-ant, hick nobodies filed a lawsuit against the Allegheny Electric Cooperative Monday, alleging that the company exposed residents to dangerous levels of mercury.

"Just about everybody on the Kanahawa [River] knows someone that's sick or died," some toothless rube told reporters. "It's all the waste they dump out the power plant. You can see it in the water, like liquid silver. We're not going to sit here and take it. No sir." According to Allegheny spokesman Thomas Gill, the bumpkins were somehow able to scrape together enough moonshine money "to get themselves one of them fancy, big-city lawyers."

Pope John Paul II - 25 Years of Laughs

VATICAN CITY�As Pope John Paul II enters his 26th year as pontiff, the world is stopping to reflect on the legendary funnyman's career as one of the most influential performers in modern history. Standing staunchly against contraception and women's equality right through the turn of the 21st century, the pope and his quirky, deadpan comic persona still entertain audiences around the world.

Revered by multiple generations for his weird and wonderful wit, the 83-year-old pontiff is perhaps the best-known stand-up alive today. Throughout an amazing two and a half decades as head of the Catholic Church, the pope has produced, in both his live appearances and his published works, a treasure trove of humor second to none.

"I can still remember seeing him do his classic 'Galileo' bit in the early '90s," said fellow comedian George Carlin, referring to the pope's 1992 declaration that the church erred in condemning Galileo. "Here was this man, appearing on televisions around the world, making a proclamation that the sun does not move around the earth. I laughed until tears rolled down my cheeks." "No one could touch the pope," Carlin added. "Hell, no one even tried. He was in a class of his own. One of a kind."

"The pope would always lean on his material about sex," director Woody Allen said. "He had this crazy, special way of looking at the world. I definitely count him among my influences." "People would wait in line for hours to see him," comedian Joey Bishop said. "And he never failed to deliver. He'd be out there working the crowd�shaking hands, kissing babies. Wherever he went, they loved him."

Words of wisdom from Chris Rock

� Rock's stance on taxes: "You don't pay taxes, They take taxes. You get your check; money's gone. That ain't a payment; that's a jack."

� His idea of Social Security reform: "You don't get your money until you're 65. Meanwhile, the average black man dies at 54. We should get Social Security at 29. We don't live that long. Hypertension, high blood pressure, NYPD -- something will get you."

� Gun control: "We don't need gun control. You know what we need? Bullet control. I think all bullets should cost $5,000. 'Cuz if a bullet cost $5,000, there would be no more innocent bystanders.

"Every time somebody gets shot, it'd be like, 'Dang, he must've done something. They put $50,000 worth of bullets in his head.' And people would think before they kill somebody: 'Man, I would blow your head off if I could afford it. I'm gonna get me a job, start saving, and you're a dead man.' "

Area Man Institutes T-Shirt Purchase Freeze

PORTLAND, OR�While standing in front of his open closet, Ken Ciszek announced Tuesday that he is instituting a T-shirt purchasing freeze until further notice.
"Although I love and have always loved T-shirts, the time has come to halt their acquisition," Ciszek said. "This includes T-shirts that feature bands and movies I like, locations I have visited, sports teams I support, causes I endorse, and phrases I find funny."

The 29-year-old restaurant manager instituted his T-shirt-buying freeze when he realized he had so many T-shirts that he had lost track of his holdings. At last count, Ciszek said he owned 132 T-shirts.

"I found a great Cheap Trick Dream Police tour shirt at a garage sale," Ciszek said. "I couldn't believe my luck, but then I got home and realized I had one exactly like it buried under my other band T-shirts. Until I can figure out what to do with these things, I'm cutting myself off. It'll be hard, but I gotta do it."

Ciszek first recognized his problem in August, when his washing machine broke and he was able to go six weeks without needing to wash a T-shirt. Though he could easily donate his less-favored shirts to charity or throw them away, Ciszek said he is at a loss. "Which ones can I get rid of?" said Ciszek, standing over a pile of shirts on his bed. "I mean, they all have sentimental value. This Old Milwaukee shirt I got to cheer myself up after I broke my leg in 2000. Here's one from a Fun Run I got roped into doing once. This one has a fish on it�I got it at a gas station. This one says 'We're All Earnest.' I have no idea what that even means, but the old telephone on it looks really cool,� Ciszek said. "My sister bought me this one at Disney World�I don't even like it, really, but I keep it because it was nice that she thought of me. Oh, wow. There's still a price tag on it."

Ciszek's girlfriend, Faye Bullington, called the T-shirt purchase freeze "a step in the right direction. If only I could just get him to start wearing shirts with buttons," Bullington said. "He's almost 30, but he still dresses like a 16-year-old. Is it really necessary for him to alert everyone on the street that he's been to San Diego?"

Arnold-topia

"In his apology, Arnold Schwarzenegger said he was sorry to the women that he groped, and he admitted that he had acted badly. Not only that, Arnold then apologized for acting badly in all of his movies." �Conan O'Brien

"Arnold said this is a last minute attack by Democrats. How did Arnold know to grope only Democrats?" �Jay Leno

"Over ten thousand people have signed a petition to recall Governor Schwarzenegger. I'm sorry, that is next year's joke." �Craig Kilborn

"Today Arnold Schwarzenegger made another major announcement. He said his lieutenant governor will be Xena, Warrior Princess." �Jay Leno

"Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language." �Conan O'Brien

Top Ten Items On Rush Limbaugh's To-Do List

10. Apologize for racist remarks by explaining he was high on illegal painkillers
9. Pat down friends and family to see who's wearing a wire
8. Announce his candidacy for governor of California
7. End pill addiction -- get back to sandwich addiction
6. Search desperately for some way to blame the Clintons
5. Make moves on soon-to-be-single Halle Berry
4. Tell Donovan McNabb derogatory remarks were part of new season of "'d"
3. Brunch with Robert Downey Jr.
2. Dinner with Trent Lott
1. Check job listings for pompous blowhard

Top Ten Reasons The National Crime Rate Is Down

10. Dozens of boxes of crime reports were stolen
9. Thanks to NAFTA, much of America's crime now committed in Mexico
8. Go on a shooting rampage and miss an all-new episode of "Sex and the City"? Yeah, right!
7. Why steal a DVD player from Circuit City when their prices are so low, they're practically giving them away!
6. O.J. verdict taught the world if you commit a crime, it cuts into golf!
5. I don't know...something to do with Mars?
4. Crooks know they'll get caught just like Osama or Saddam
3. Most of the good stuff's already been stolen
2. Winona hasn't gone "shopping" for her fall wardrobe yet
1. All the losers and deadbeats are in California running for governor

45-Year-Old Fails To Make Someone Very Happy One Day

NEW MEADOWS, ID�In spite of predictions to the contrary, Larry Naering, a 45-year-old research scientist, has failed to make someone very happy one day, his mother Nancy reported Monday. "He's always been such a handsome, responsible boy," said Nancy, who used to look forward to having grandchildren.

"I always told him that some girl was going to discover a real hidden treasure if she took the time to look at him. I guess I was wrong." Nancy said her son's chances of finding that one-in-a-million love have dwindled to one in 50 billion.

Punch cards keep punch lines alive

In a ruling that was hailed by comedians across the land, a panel of judges has decided that California's recall-o-rama is so entertaining that it should be extended for five more months.

The federal appeals court said the state's punch-card voting machines are too antiquated and unreliable to be used. In a related ruling, the judges also threw out the results of every election since 1964, when the machines were introduced.

"Every officeholder voted in by using punch-card ballot machines will have to run again," the judges said. "The only downside is that we can't recall ourselves as well." According to other sources, the court's decision to delay the Oct. 7 recall vote relied on a heretofore unknown section of the 14th Amendment that reads: "No state shall ... use punch-card ballots ... in any specially called election against a Democrat incumbent. Nothing in this section shall preclude such state from using punch-card ballots to reelect said Democrat in a regularly scheduled election."

But the ruling was good news for late-night comics, who were worried their recall joke goldmine would run out three weeks from now. As an added comedy bonus, Jesse Jackson said he would come to California today to campaign against the recall � at least until he has time to become a resident and run for governor himself.

Top Ten Arnold Schwarzenegger Debate Conditions


10. Questions may be answered in English, German, or a combination of both

9. Long breaks to allow screenwriters to craft candidates' responses

8. Debate ends when gasoline truck plows through wall and Arnold gets everyone out just before the whole place blows up

7. Candidates may use their time to show 90-second clip from "Terminator"

6. No tricky words like "budget" or "Sacramento"

5. Attire -- bathing suit and baby oil

4. Candidate receives standard 30-million dollar fee, plus 10 percent of box office gross

3. Moderator -- Lou Ferrigno

2. No questions that can't be answered "I'll be back"

1. Arnold must win