Are Bush Appointees Sabotaging Obama�s Recovery Plan?

Something is becoming more and more apparent to me. The implementation of the stimulus plan is being disabled by former president Bush appointees still within the federal bureaucracy. They are doing it with a prodigious amount of red tape and delay tactics to keep these much needed funds out of the economy.

This effort has one goal, to discredit Obama�s stimulus program by forcing local economies into a sharper decline. Unless this stonewalling by Bush appointees is stopped, our economy will just get worse. We have to remove ALL Bush appointees and their second-level cronies from office NOW.

Eight go from White House to the Big House

Do you know how many former Bush administration officials have been sentenced with jail time? The answer is eight! here is the list (so far):

Felipe Sixto, special assistant to President Bush for intergovernmental affairs. He pled guilty to embezzling $600,000 from the Center for a Free Cuba, a government-funded program and received a 30-month prison sentence.

Scooter Libby, former Vice President Dick Cheney's chief-of-staff. He was sentenced to 30 months for his role in the leaking and coverup of CIA agent Valerie Plame's identity to the press. President Bush quickly commuted the sentence. How nice of him!

Brian Doyle, Deputy Press Secretary at the Department of Homeland Security, was sentenced to five years in jail for attempting to use a computer to seduce a child.

Dusty Fago, Executive director of the CIA, received a three year prison sentence on corruption charges.

David Safavian, General Services Administration Chief-of-Staff and head procurement official went to prison for 18 months on charges related to the Jack Abramoff lobbyist scandal.

Italia Federici, political aide to Secretary of the Interior, Gail Norton, received a two month sentence in a halfway house for obstructing the Senate investigation into Abramoff and for tax evasion.

Steven Griles, who was the number two official at the Interior Department, also received 10 months in jail for his part in the Abramoff scandal.

Bob Stein, the Comptroller of the Coalition Provisional Authority in Iraq, received the longest sentence of any Bush official (as of yet) - 9 years in prison for money laundering, conspiracy and bribery.

This is not counting all the other convictions that didn�t result in jail time and all the other investigations.

Come-on, tell us what you really think of George Bush!

BREAKING: Bush Declares a State of Emergency

This just in: George Bush has just announced a State of National Emergency and has appointed himself Emperor of A'merica.

This action is due to the failure of the war on terror, faith based initiatives, and no child left behind. Standing along with our new exalted leader during the announcement were Cheney, Gonzalez, Chertoff, Bolton, Rice, Card, Palin, Rumsfeld, Fleischer, McClellan, Snow, Rove, Roberts, Miers, Ridge, Ashcroft, Paulson, and DeLay.

Emperor Bush has declared martial law and directed the joint chiefs of staff to initiate operation �drop your pants� where all Americans will get an identity chip imbedded up their ass. All who refuse will be shot on the spot. Also, by decree the inauguration of that �Boy from Hawaii� is canceled just like all the election results, nation-wide.

When asked by a reporter how this can be legal he responded �Cause I�m the decider. Now drop your pants!�

P.S. it could happen, he still has one more day!

The Audacity of George W. Bush and John Warner

"It's not big enough George"


In naval shipbuilding there is something called a �Naming Convention.� It is a set of rules that specifies that certain types of ships be named a certain way. For example a Frigate is named for a naval or marine hero. Aircraft Carriers were named after either famous battles like Lexington, or other famous ships from the navy's history like the Enterprise. But some republican back during Nixon days decided it was best to name them after politicians. That man is Senator John Warner.

He was instrumental in naming one of the new Nimitz class aircraft carriers in honor of former Georgia Representative Carl Vinson. It was the also first Navy ship to be named for someone still living.

That�s right, before this if you had a ship named after you� you had to be DEAD! Then he did it again with the �U.S.S. Ronald Regan� and now it�s the �U.S.S. George Herbert Walker Bush� the one term hero that liberated Kuwait�s oil fields. Woo Hoo! So who signed the approval to name the ship? Of course his son, King Shrub.

When Teddy Roosevelt formalized the naming convention for naval ships the requirement to be DEAD was really important. Ego, political �pay to play,� and general ass kissing was pretty much eliminated since the person being honored was already DEAD. Word is out that John Warner will have a submarine named after him soon. This is the Shrub�s way of thanking him for all he did to have the biggest warship in the world named after his dad. This pitiful display is all about the enormous ego of politicians that think they are god�s gift to man.

But when you think about it why stop at naming a ship after you? Let�s start renaming some of the states. There is a Washington, right?

A Public Hanging For The Bush Family

OK, so the "official" Bush portraits were unveiled today. What great works of art! So where did the shrub's legs go? and why is that flower vase on the back of the couch? Don't they know it will fucking fall if he leans back? and where is his brown shirt?



Now all I need is a portrate that excentuates the bitch's boobs. Oh, look, my wish has come true!

Why Did Secret Service Let A Man In Wearing SHOES?

George W. Bush�s armed phalanx of security goons did a piss-poor job of defending the President from the terrible threat of shoes the other day. Ever since the shoe bomber incident of 2001, every moran in America has known what a dangerous weapon a simple human foot-covering can be. So why did security screeners not notice an Iraqi journalist wearing these shoe-like objects that were, in fact, shoes?

More to the point, why did Secret Service agents not shoot that guy to death repeatedly? That is the normal protocol, to draw your gun and start blammin� away if anybody looks at your President sideways.

The answer, of course, is that everybody is just so tired and bored of Bush that they were all just like, �Oh blah blah blah, look another Iraqi hates George Bush and is screaming while hurling objects at him, guess I�ll go play my XBox now.�

In memory of all who died on 9-11...

Photo of the Day

Party like it's 2006!

Dancing at the Bush Admin. Impeachment Party!

"Ass" made it on the Bush List

I LOVE this poll by Pew Research - One word description for Bush



"The single word most frequently associated with George W. Bush today is "incompetent,"and close behind are two other increasingly mentioned descriptors: "idiot" and "liar." All three are mentioned far more often today than a year ago."

A new element discovered

A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Bushcronium."

Bushcronium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311. These 311 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Bushcronium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Bushcronium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Bushcronium has a normal half-life of multiples of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Bushcronium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Bushcronium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."

When catalyzed with money, Bushcronium activates Foxnewsium, an element which radiates orders of magnitude, more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. Also, Bushcronium can spontaneously transmute into Pandemonium.

Bush Poster of the Week

I got this Xmas card from Grorge Bush

I was afraid to open it!

CIA Chief Admits To Torture After Six-Hour Beating, Electrocution

LANGLEY, VA�An internal CIA investigation into the possible use of illegal and inhumane interrogation techniques produced a confession from CIA director Porter Goss Monday, with the aid of waterboarding, food and light deprivation, and the application of wire hangers hooked to a car battery to the testicles. "I did it. We did it. We all did it. The president knew. The president did it. Please, God, please stop," said a voice identified as Goss' on recordings produced by CIA auditors. "Stop, please stop. I'm sorry. I won't do it again. The president won't do it again. Please let me die." Critics of the methods used to obtain the information continue to claim that torture is an ineffective means of obtaining intelligence, pointing out that Goss did not sound sorry.

Bush Sells Louisiana Back to the French

BATON ROUGE, LA. - The White House announced today that President Bush hassuccessfully sold the state of Louisiana back to the French at more thandouble its original selling price of $11,250,000.

"This is a bold step forward for America," said Bush. "And America will bestronger and better as a result. I stand here today in unity with FrenchPrime Minister Jack Sharaq, who was so kind to accept my offer of Louisianain exchange for 25 million dollars cash."

The state, ravaged by Hurricane Katrina, will cost hundreds of billions ofdollars to rebuild.

Bush To London Bombers: 'Bring It On'

WASHINGTON, DC� President Bush officially responded to the latest round of London transit bombings Monday, challenging terrorists to "do their worst." Said Bush, in a televised statement from the Oval Office: "

The proud and resilient people of London can take anything the forces of evil and cowardice can throw at them. They will never live in fear of you. Bring it on." Prime Minister Tony Blair thanked Bush for his comments, inviting him to visit London and ride the Underground in a show of solidarity.

The "Babes of Sorry Everybody" revisited

After Kerry lost to shithead Dubya a website called "Sorry Everybody" hit the web. I made this video back in January for all those progressive males and lesbians who appreciate a good political message delivered by an obvious "babe"

Promise me you wont tell Laura!

Dubbya standing in line for a little "Refreshment" during a break at the "Screw the Democrats Summit" at Tom Lay's Virginia retreat.

You do know, Clinton got Impeached for this!

44 Suspicious Packages Detonated Under White House Christmas Tree

Merry Christmas to all my terrorist friends!

Bush Promises To Unite Nation For Real This Time

WASHINGTON, DC�A week after winning a narrow victory over Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry, President Bush promised to "unite the divided nation, but for real this time."

"Just as I pledged in 2000, I promise to bring the two halves of this nation together�only this time I'm really gonna do it," Bush said Tuesday. "I'll work hard to put an end to partisan politics. Seriously, though. This term, I will." Bush then requested the support of all Americans for his agenda of cutting taxes and extending America's presence in Iraq.

Bush Challenges NASA to Put Man on Sun by End of Decade

WASHINGTON D.C. - At a recent visit to the NASA facilities in Cape Canaveral, Florida, President Bush expressed hope U.S. astronauts would be able to land a man safely on the sun within 10 years.

�One of our earlier Presidents set the goal of landing a man on the moon and that certainly sounded remarkable at the time. I see no reason why we couldn�t eventually get a man to walk on the sun without injury," Bush said.

President Bush urged NASA engineers and geologists to begin mapping the sun�s surface for signs of oil, telling them what an incredible source of energy the sun could be and how America could lead the rest of the world in harnessing this great power.

The President argued the journey should also include important research that might shed light on why the sun becomes hotter during the summertime and why it continually circles our planet.

"The only way to unlock the sun's mysteries is to have our astronauts do a lunar landing on its surface," said Bush. "Then, they can collect all of the astrological information we need. With this information we might one day find a way to cool off the sun and put an end to global warming."

The Mosh Continues

http://www.gnn.tv/videos/video.php?id=28

If you didnt see Eminem's "Mosh" before the election, you gotta see it now. And for thoose who know what "Mosh" is all about.. there is new ending! So ya gotta see it AGAIN!

Peace

Don Knotts to star in new movie "Dubya"

"Dubya" the Movie! http://dubyamovie.com

Sorry Everybody

This is a website with thousands of photos (yes, thats right 1000's) of people who did their part to not re-elect Shrub. check out this link... http://www.sorryeverybody.com/

From their site...
"Some of us � hopefully most of us � are trying to understand and appreciate the effect our recent election will have on you, the citizens of the rest of the world. As our so-called leaders redouble their efforts to screw you over, please remember that some of us � hopefully most of us � are truly, truly sorry. And we'll say we're sorry, even on the behalf of the ones who aren't."

Nation's Poor Win Election For Nation's Rich

WASHINGTON, DC�The economically disadvantaged segment of the U.S. population provided the decisive factor in another presidential election last Tuesday, handing control of the government to the rich and powerful once again.

"The Republican party�the party of industrial mega-capitalists, corporate financiers, power brokers, and the moneyed elite�would like to thank the undereducated rural poor, the struggling blue-collar workers in Middle America, and the God-fearing underpriviledged minorities who voted George W. Bush back into office," Karl Rove, senior advisor to Bush, told reporters at a press conference Monday. "You have selflessly sacrificed your well-being and voted against your own economic interest. For this, we humbly thank you."

"My family's been suffering ever since I lost my job at the screen-door factory, and I haven't seen a doctor for well on four years now," said father of four Buddy Kaldrin of Eerie, CO. "Shit, I don't even remember what a dentist's chair looks like... Basically, I'd give up if it weren't for God's grace. So it's good to know we have a president who cares about religion, too."

Kaldrin added: "That's why I always vote straight-ticket Republican, just like my daddy did, before he lost the farm and shot himself in the head, and just like his daddy did, before he died of black-lung disease in the company coal mines."

"Our society is falling apart�our treasured values are under attack by terrorists," said Ellen Blaine of Givens, OH, a tiny rural farming community as likely to be attacked by terrorists as it is to be hit by a meteor. "We need someone with old-time morals in the White House. I may not have much of anything in this world, but at least I have my family."

"John Kerry is a flip-flopper," she continued. "I saw it on TV. Who knows what terrible things might've happened to my sons overseas if he'd been put in charge?"

"The alliance between the tiny fraction at the top of the pyramid and the teeming masses of mouth-breathers at its enormous base has never been stronger," a triumphant Bush said. "We have an understanding, them and us. They help us stay rich, and in return, we help them stay poor. See? No matter what naysayers may think, the system works."

My thoughts on the Bush re-election

Republicans Urge Minorities To Get Out And Vote On Nov. 3

MIAMI, FL�With the knowledge that the minority vote will be crucial in the upcoming presidential election, Republican Party officials are urging blacks, Hispanics, and other minorities to make their presence felt at the polls on Wednesday, Nov. 3.

"Minority voters should make their unique voices heard, especially the African-American voting bloc, which is always a major factor in every election," said Florida Republican Party voter-drive organizer Mark Monreal, as he handed out flyers at a community center in the mostly black Miami neighborhood of South Farms. "That's why we put up hundreds of brightly colored banners featuring Martin Luther King Jr. and the 'Vote November 3' reminder. We needed to make sure they know when we want them at polling places."

"You can't walk through a black neighborhood here in Miami without seeing our 'Don't Forget Big Wednesday!' message up on a billboard, tacked to a phone booth, or taped to a bus shelter," Monreal added. "The Republican Party has spared no expense in this endeavor."

GOP committees in Ohio, Iowa, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Pennsylvania, Oregon, and Florida have spent more than $3 million on pamphlets, posters, stickers, and T-shirts bearing such slogans as "Put America First�Vote On The Third!" and "November 3rd Is Your Time To Be Heard."

Monreal said Republican volunteers will be available to drive minorities to polling places on Nov. 3.

"We'll even stay at home with them the day before, to help them prepare for the act of voting," Monreal said. "We'll engage in concentrated one-on-one tutoring the entire day, to make sure these voters focus on the important act of voting, rather than going outside, reading newspapers, or watching television."

My Favorite Debate Photo

Eminem's "Mosh"

Regardless of your opinion of Eminem, this new video for his song "Mosh" is powerful stuff.

Click it.. Listen.. Learn

http://www.gnn.tv/videos/video.php?id=28

Also.. Check out this rap video http://www.supadubya.com/

Ken Lay Appointed Assistant Treasury Secretary

"Lay suffered enough," Bush Says

Washington, DC � President Bush met briefly today with former Enron Chairman Ken Lay in the White House Rose Garden. Despite shouted objections from homeless former Enron employees outside the gates, Bush pardoned his loyal friend and offered him a job.

"Who else can cook the books like Kenny boy," Bush grinned, "and who best to hide the mounting losses in our budget deficit?"

BUSH WINS SECRET FOURTH DEBATE

Kerry Not Notified of Time, Place

President George W. Bush notched his first debate victory early Sunday morning, winning handily in a fourth presidential debate that was kept secret from his Democratic rival, Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass).

The debate, which was held at 2 AM Sunday morning in the basement of the White House and moderated by Fox News personality Bill O'Reilly, was a must-win affair in the eyes of the Bush campaign strategists who planned it.

"We knew that we needed to win at least one debate going into November," said Bush strategist Karl Rove. "Mission accomplished."

While aides to Sen. Kerry complained that the debate did not count since Mr. Kerry was kept totally in the dark about its time and place, Mr. Rove said, "They can spin this any way they want, but a win is a win."

The White House today released a videotape of the president's triumphal fourth debate, showing Mr. Bush gesturing towards an empty podium with Mr. Kerry nowhere in sight. "Looks like my opponent didn't make it today," a smirking Mr. Bush says on the tape. "I guess he must be back in Massachusetts, busy being a liberal and such."

Four minutes into the debate, Mr. O'Reilly declares Mr. Bush the winner and abruptly excuses himself, saying, "I've got a few phone calls to make."

Elsewhere, television station owner Sinclair Broadcasting found itself at the center of yet another controversy today after it ordered all of its affiliates to broadcast a film entitled "John Kerry: Portrait of a Serial Killer."

Hundreds Of Republicans Injured In Rush To Discredit Kerry

WASHINGTON, DC�George Washington Memorial Hospital is struggling to deal with an influx of Republicans with concussions, broken bones, and internal injuries suffered during the recent stampede to discredit Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry, emergency-room personnel reported Monday.

Polder said he has not seen so many right-wing injuries since the late '90s, when hundreds of Republicans were hurt climbing on and off the Newt Gingrich bandwagon.

I was in the crowd on the National Archive steps," conservative Washington Times columnist Paul Greenberg said, holding his head as he awaited treatment for deep shock and moral outrage. "When I realized everyone else there also wanted abstracts of Kerry's congressional voting records, I started to run. I guess we all had the same idea at the same time. It feels like I got rolled over by a 10-ton think tank."

"I was lucky, though," Greenberg said, wrapping himself in the flag. "Worst thing hurt was my pride."

Los Angeles producer Margaret Oakes said the set of the TV show Roundtable was overrun with frantic conservatives.

"I tried telling them to stop, that they were only hurting themselves, but they didn't seem to fear for their credibility one bit," Oakes said. "One woman tried to get to the front of the crowd, slipped, and fell face-first into a forest of microphone stands. When I asked her where she was hurt, she said, 'the cheek... of that man to misrepresent his voting record on gay marriage.'"

"Let us not rush to judgment and inadvertently hurt our own image," Rep. Chris Shays (R-CT) said Sunday. "This Republican-on-Republican violence must end."

Shays added that his prayers are with Rush Limbaugh's family. The conservative radio personality died Tuesday when a busload of pro-Bush Vietnam veterans, in their rush to lambast Kerry on the air, ran a red light, swerved to avoid a carload of National Review reporters, and smashed through the wall of the Excellence In Broadcasting studio, killing Limbaugh and three sound technicians.

Election Day moved to yesterday due to terror concerns

Official: Precinct voting locations, dates, times had to be kept secret for citizens' safety

Washington � The U.S. Presidential election originally scheduled for November 2 of this year was moved to yesterday, and preliminary results show a decisive reelection victory for George W. Bush. The Federal Election Commission said that the threat of a major terrorist attack forced the rescheduling, which was so abrupt that the government had no time to inform citizens of the change.

Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security Tom Ridge said that the threat of terror would not affect the outcome of a major election. "No terror threat will ever be allowed to stop Americans from exercising their right to choose President Bush to continue to be their president," said Secretary Ridge.

Officials credit the government's total secrecy regarding polling locations and the date and times they would be open with the success of avoiding a major attack. "Al Qaeda would have loved to get some of that information, but we wisely kept it out of their reach," said a Homeland Security official.

President Bush spoke to the nation after the low number of votes were counted by the handful of precinct who actually received votes. "The terrorists have lost again," the President declared. "The winners are the American people who somehow found themselves in a polling location sometime between two o'clock and two-thirty this morning by some random act of God and were able to participate in the democratic process."

President Aces Prostate Exam, Reconsiders Gay Unions

Bethesda, MD � President Bush is considering a major shift in his stance on the hot-button issue of gay marriage after he underwent his annual physical at National Naval Medical Center this week. A major portion of the examination was a prostate exam, which medical personnel on the scene described as �exhaustive.�

A White House source confirms that the President has �suddenly changed his entire way of thinking about this issue,� and that the President�s �eyes have been opened.�

Dr. Richard J. Tubb, who performed the delicate prostate examination on President Bush, said that it was an honor to ensure the President�s health. �I was nervous about this procedure, because how often do you have the President of the United States in this vulnerable of a position? My training taught me to just take the task slowly, carefully, and affectionately,� said Dr. Tubb.

�You have very soft, gentle hands,� remarked the President to Dr. Tubb during the procedure, according to nurses in the examination room. In an unusual scheduling move, President Bush will undergo another physical later this week. A receptionist at the National Naval Medical Center confirmed that Bush requested the additional appointment himself for unspecified reasons.

Top Ten Signs Bush Might Be Getting Ready To Dump Cheney
 
10. Cheney's official white house parking space is now in West Virginia

9. Latest bumper stickers read: "vote for Bush and (to be determined)"

8. CIA says it has indisputable evidence that Cheney will remain on the ticket

7. Cheney's been asking crooked oil companies if they have any job openings

6. All the white house defibrillator stations have been removed

5. Cheney's new I.D. card reads "valid through next Tuesday"

4. G.O.P. has spent 20 million dollars on campaign commercials giving exact location of Cheney's undisclosed location

3. Rumsfeld keeps jumping out at him from behind doors yelling, "boo!"
 
2. As with all major decisions, he's asked Cheney to figure out the best way to terminate the Vice President

1. Bush asked his dad if he still has Quayle's number

 

Bush To Iraqi Militants: 'Please Stop Bringing It On'

WASHINGTON, DC�In an internationally televised statement Monday, President Bush modified a July 2003 challenge to Iraqi militants attacking U.S. forces. "Terrorists, Saddam loyalists, and anti-American insurgents: Please stop bringing it on now," Bush said at a Monday press conference.

"Nine months and 500 U.S. casualties ago, I may have invited y'all to bring it on, but as of today, I formally rescind that statement. I would officially like for you to step back." The president added that the "it" Iraqis should stop bringing includes gunfire, bombings, grenade attacks, and suicide missions of all types.

Bush Calls Incumbency Key Issue Of Campaign

WASHINGTON, DC�At a campaign dinner Monday, President Bush identified incumbency as the key issue in the upcoming presidential election. "Look at my opponent's record on incumbency," Bush said.

"John Kerry is not the president at this time. That's an indisputable matter of public record." Bush added that the American public should seriously consider whether it wants to risk electing a president who has no experience heading a nation, has never resided in the White House, and does not have even one State Of The Union address under his belt.

Bush To Make Up Missed National Guard Duty This Weekend

WASHINGTON, DC�In a move intended to dispel criticism over his Vietnam-era military record, President Bush announced Monday that he will spend the weekend at the Sheppard Air Force Base in Wichita Falls, TX, to make up his missed National Guard service.

"My fellow Americans, let's put an end to this controversy," Bush said. "This weekend, I'll take two days off from leading the greatest nation in the world, go down to Texas, and do drills with the Texas Air National Guard, if that'll make you happy. I can't imagine anything more important for me to do than sets of push-ups with a bunch of enlisted Guardsmen." Added Bush: "Don't let me forget to ask Cheney to fill in for me as leader of the free world. Because I'll be busy spit-shining flight boots."

Bush, whose approval numbers have declined in recent weeks, said the accusations were false, but that he was willing to do "whatever it takes to please everybody" so that he "can return to the business of governing the country."

"I had to cancel dozens of appointments with cabinet members, congressional leaders, and foreign dignitaries," Bush said. "All that stuff's going to have to wait, since this 30-year-old story is apparently a pressing national concern, or something."

At a press conference Monday afternoon, a reporter asked White House press secretary Scott McClellan why Bush wasn't making up his time in Alabama, where critics say he failed to report for drills during the entire time he was working on a family friend's U.S. Senate campaign.

"Well, the president is familiar with the base in Texas, so he chose to do his service there," McClellan said. "Why would he go to some random base in Alabama that he's never even been to before? I mean�let me start over. He did serve at the Alabama base, but we felt it would be easier to accommodate travel to a base that was closer to his ranch in Crawford. Case closed."

Labor Secretary Has Her Hours Cut

WASHINGTON, DC�Deeming the move "regrettable but necessary," White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card announced Monday that Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao's work hours will be scaled back to 30 per week starting Jan. 26.

"It's merely a cost-cutting measure and says absolutely nothing about Elaine, who's done wonderful work for the Bush Administration since she came on board in 2001," Card said. "Once the economy turns around, the first thing we'll do is return Elaine to her original hours. That's a promise."

Chao's hours will be limited to six per day during a regular Monday-to-Friday workweek, her salary will be cut by 25 percent, and she'll lose the privileges of working flextime hours and earning time-and-a-half pay on weekends and holidays. In addition, Chao's relegation to part-time status means she'll no longer be eligible for health-insurance coverage, matching 401K contributions, or parking validation.

Chao expressed dismay over the decision during a cigarette break in the parking lot of the Labor Department's Frances Perkins Building. "I sorta knew what was up when President Bush called me into the Oval Office, and "Chief Brownnose" was standing there beside him with this bogus sad look on his face," said Chao, referring to Card by the derogatory nickname reportedly used by the members of the White House staff. "The president said he was real sorry, but he either had to cut my hours or let me go. What could I do? I need the job."

"Tables and graphs mapping the worsening situation of the average American worker crossed my desk all the time, but I never thought any of that stuff would affect me," Chao said. "I don't see [Treasury Secretary John] Snow fearing for his job. Then again, he's in charge of the money. The bigwigs see 'labor' in my job title, and they think, 'Hey, we can push her around.'" Continued Chao, "If I were [Health and Human Services Secretary] Tommy Thompson, I'd start looking through the classifieds."

Top Ten Reasons George W. Bush Wants To Put A Man On Mars

10. Dick Cheney needs a new undisclosed location
9. It's part of his "No Planet Left Behind" initiative
8. Great deal on the off-season airfare right now at Expedia.com
7. Maybe we'll find some weapons of mass destruction there
6. We've run out of places on Earth to drill for oil
5. Hoping to get Mork's autograph
4. We cannot back down until the people of Mars hold free elections
3. Dude, free Mars bars
2. Why not? It's not like we have an enormous debt or failing economy
1. Pete Rose bet him we wouldn't do it

President Chokes Back Laughter During Space Policy Speech

WASHINGTON � President George W. Bush called for a return to American manned space flight in a speech before NASA employees and members of Congress. He called for a permanent space base on the Moon and for an eventual manned flight to Mars.

But the president's goals did not end with two of Earth's closest neighbors. "We don't know where the journey will end. But we do know that it's time for human beings to enter the Solar System. To that end, I'm proposing a complete manned survey of the planets and their major satellites. This generation has a rendezvous with Pluto and a mission to Mercury. It's time to take a gander at Ganymede. Finally - and I can't stress this enough, America must probe Uranus."

The president then paused in his speech to choke back muffled laughter before spelling out some of the economic benefits of his ambitious proposal. "We know that Io, one of Jupiter's moons, may contain vast quantities of hydrogen, which will fuel the next generation of American automobiles. We know that the Moon offers not only a low-gravity environment for interplanetary launches, but also an abundant supply of rocks. And Mercury - well, let's just say that this administration will not let America's thermometer manufacturers down at this critical moment."

However, President Bush responded to critics of his proposal by stressing the diplomatic benefits of such a plan, particularly in the case of a mission to Mars. "It's critical that we establish diplomatic relations with Lord Phallis, Tardos Mors and the freedom-loving red people of Helium," he stated. "The barbaric Tharks and Warhoons must understand that their aggression against the other races of Mars will not stand." Neither the Jeddak of Helium nor Lord Phallis, Warlord of Mars, were available for comment.

Bush Won't Put Down New Football

WASHINGTON, DC�According to White House sources, President Bush has not allowed his new Wilson official NFL leather game football to leave his sight since he received it as a gift last week. "The president has that ball with him everywhere he goes," Vice-President Dick Cheney said Monday. "The way he pump-fakes it in the Oval Office is really distracting." Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has threatened to take the ball away and lock it in his desk if he sees it at the table during another goddamned cabinet meeting.

President proud of new economic numbers

Columbus, Ohio � President Bush bragged about newly released GDP numbers today while hinting that he's pretty sure that good things are in store for the economy. "The figures handed to me by some unknown element in my administration are probably good news. Uh, something about 7.2% of something. Not sure if that's up or down, but it's a nice little number either way," said the President. "It's good? Oh, okay, trust us, it's good. We rule!"

Bush Disappointed To Learn Chinese Foreign Minister Doesn't Know Karate

WASHINGTON, DC�While he still plans to meet with Chinese Foreign Minister Li Zhaoxing, President Bush was disappointed to learn that the dignitary does not know karate, White House adviser Karl Rove told reporters Tuesday. "I told George that karate is an ancient martial art of Japan, not China," Rove said. "I told him that in China, many practice kung fu�but I recommended that he stick to the more vital issue of relations with Taiwan and North Korea." In spite of Rove's suggestion, Bush plans to ask Zhaoxing to "do some of that Jackie Chan action."

Laura Bush flees to France, plans to marry Chirac

Paris � First Lady Laura Bush has escaped from the US and plans to marry French President Jacques Chirac, whom she has stayed in contact with via email since their first meeting two years ago. Her planned five-day trip to Paris and Moscow became an appealing opportunity to start a new life after months of growing discontent with American policy, a source said. "I love French food and French wine, and of course, Jacques is an amazing lover," said Bush.

Arnold-topia

"In his apology, Arnold Schwarzenegger said he was sorry to the women that he groped, and he admitted that he had acted badly. Not only that, Arnold then apologized for acting badly in all of his movies." �Conan O'Brien

"Arnold said this is a last minute attack by Democrats. How did Arnold know to grope only Democrats?" �Jay Leno

"Over ten thousand people have signed a petition to recall Governor Schwarzenegger. I'm sorry, that is next year's joke." �Craig Kilborn

"Today Arnold Schwarzenegger made another major announcement. He said his lieutenant governor will be Xena, Warrior Princess." �Jay Leno

"Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language." �Conan O'Brien

White House adds Novak, Rove, CIA, DOJ to 'Do-Not-Call' bill

Washington � President Bush signed the �do-not-call� bill into law after waiting for the insertion of a provision which forbids certain parties in Washington from contacting each other. The new bill prohibits conservative commentator Robert Novak, political adviser Karl Rove, CIA, the Department of Justice, and the Washington Post from communicating with each other. The improved �do-not-call� bill also forbids anyone in the White House from receiving or making telephone calls.

Democrats said this was an obvious attempt to thwart a full investigation by the Department of Justice into the alleged leak of a CIA operative�s identity by White House officials. White House spokesman Scott McClellan scoffed at that claim, and said that the Bush administration plans to completely cooperate with the investigation. �We�ll stop shredding documents just as soon as Justice asks us to,� McClellan said.

�If anyone has any information regarding this investigation, we urge you to go to the �Do Not Call� website and enter your contact information immediately,� McClellan said.

U.S. Invades Non-Oil-Rich Nation To Dispel Criticism

LUXEMBOURG�In an effort to quiet criticism of U.S. military policy, 50,000 U.S. troops invaded and soundly defeated the non-oil-rich Grand Duchy of Luxembourg Monday. "Once again, the U.S. claims victory over a rogue nation," said President Bush after the 45-minute war. "The people of Luxembourg, although prosperous and living in peace, have suffered under the tyranny of a monarchy for centuries. And allow me to point out that Luxembourg has not one drop of crude oil." Troops will return home Friday, following the public hanging of Grand Duke Henri de Luxembourg.

Revised Patriot Act Will Make It Illegal To Read Patriot Act

WASHINGTON, DC�President Bush spoke out Monday in support of a revised version of the 2001 USA Patriot Act that would make it illegal to read the USA Patriot Act. "Under current federal law, there are unreasonable obstacles to investigating and prosecuting acts of terrorism, including the public's access to information about how the federal police will investigate and prosecute acts of terrorism," Bush said at a press conference Monday. "For the sake of the American people, I call on Congress to pass this important law prohibiting access to itself." Bush also proposed extending the rights of states to impose the death penalty "in the wake of Sept. 11 and stuff."

White House Denied Third Mortgage

WASHINGTON, DC�In light of recent budget concerns, President and Mrs. Bush attempted to take out a third mortgage on the White House Monday, but were denied. "Unfortunately, we're unable to serve the president's needs at this time," Washington Mutual loan officer Judy Schamanski told reporters. "Within the next 30 days, Mr. Bush will receive an adverse-action notice in the mail, which will outline the specific reasons for the denial. But, for starters, I would suggest that he get current on his second mortgage before he even considers a third." Schamanski added that Bush is more than welcome to reapply in the future, should his credit profile improve.

Bush calls in sick, tries to extend vacation at Texas ranch

Crawford, Texas � President Bush, who was originally expected to return to a full schedule at the White House this weekend, has called in sick in an effort to enjoy a few more hours of vacation at his ranch in Texas.

�It�s fine, there�s no work really waiting for me in the Oval Office,� the President said. �A few things to sign are waiting on my desk, but no major fires to put out, according to my secretary. I�m sure the American people won�t mind if they go without a leader another day or two.� White House officials took the President�s decision in stride, and admitted that the odds that someone will attack the United States over Labor Day weekend was �pretty low.�

Vice-President Dick Cheney suggested to the President that he schedule a half-day on his first day back at the White House, so Bush can ease into his role as leader of the world�s only superpower more smoothly. Aides say that the President has gained several pounds over his vacation, from a combination of dinner fund-raisers and late-night Twinkie binges.

Bush Diagnosed With Attention-To-Deficit Disorder

WASHINGTON, DC�Pointing to massive war-time tax cuts, physicians from the Congressional Budget Office diagnosed President Bush with attention-to-deficit disorder Tuesday. "The president exhibits all the symptoms of ATDD: impulsiveness, restlessness, inability to focus on mounting U.S. debt likely to reach $400 billion by the year's end," Dr. Terrence Spellman said. "Failing to address his affliction could lead to serious long-term fiscal health problems for future generations of Americans." To treat the president's ATDD, Spellman prescribed Ritalin and an introductory course in high-school economics.

President Bush has picture taken with group of Negroes

President gives the Negroes �all they had ever hoped for� as Americans. President George W. Bush posed for a photo with several actual Negroes today. The immense gesture marks the greatest benefit that the African-American community has yet received from the Bush Administration. �Today is a great day for all our people,� Rev. Douglass Williams, one of the men in the photograph, said. �When Martin Luther King, Jr. spoke of his dream that one day we�d all living together equally, I�m positive that this is exactly what he meant � black people and the President in a photo together which will no doubt be used by the Administration to reach out to other blacks.� Indeed, the successful photo-shoot pleased White House advisers, who quickly made several copies to save in case of emergency. �From now on, nobody can say that the Democrats have better policies for creating more opportunities for African-Americans,� Political Adviser Karl Rove said while holding a copy of the photo. �Just look at this photo! This says it all! Does the President look scared? Does he look terrified? The answer is no.�

President thanks Africa for rap music, break-dancing

ENTEBBE, Uganda � President Bush said Friday that Africa�s contribution to the world of music, specifically rap and hip-hop, serves as a example of how Africa has a great effect on the world. �You have shown the world what is possible when you combine a funky backbeat and a groovin� M.C.,� Bush told Ugandan President Yoweri Museveni during a meeting between the two. Bush showed off his personal collection of rap CDs to impress President Museveni, despite the fact that musical historians say that rap music was born in New York�s inner-cities in the 1970s. At the start of their historic meeting President Bush attempted to demonstrate his break-dancing skills for Museveni, which he thought originated in Uganda. Wearing a traditional Adidas jumpsuit, Bush tried such maneuvers as �the robot� and �the backspin.�

President points out that Iraqi war is over, no more killing is allowed

President Bush on Wednesday pleaded with officials at the United Nations to intervene in Iraq to put an end to the killing and injuring of U.S. forces there. �These guys are cheating,� Bush told reporters. �The war ended, the buzzer sounded, and we even had a sign that said �Mission Accomplished.� Iraq should immediately forfeit the game and we should be declared the winner.� President Bush phoned UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan earlier today to demand that they �open their damn eyes, ref, to what the other guy is getting away with.� When asked if sending more troops to Iraq was one possible solution, Bush said that he�d like to but that the league has very strict rules about the number of eligible players for each game.

White House officials still deciding how to tell President of Thurmond's passing

�I say we tell him that he just went away for a while,� Chief of Staff Andy Card said. The death of fellow Republican operative and close friend Strom Thurmond over the weekend has created serious difficulties for the Bush Administration as they grapple with how to inform the President of the news. The nation�s longest-serving senator will be laid to rest today. Strom Thurmond of South Carolina died Thursday at 100. �Strom and the President were like family,� Card said. �The President just loved to sit on his lap and be read to. Fortunately, he had a chance to do this again two weeks ago.� White House staff members admitted that they�ve been stalling with the important task of informing President Bush. �We�re all planning on coming together as a group when we tell him the sad news, and we�ll be there for his support,� Lynne Cheney said. �My biggest fear is that he�ll ask us �When�s Strommy coming back?�� �It�s important that we don�t tell him that Strom went to sleep forever,� Mrs. Cheney said, �because that could make the President terrified of taking his afternoon nap and never waking.�

President to wear fight suit at all public functions

June 19, 2003 (Happy Birthday Lisa!)

Washington � President Bush made remarks at the annual Congressional Picnic on the South Lawn yesterday wearing the flight suit that he donned for his historic landing on the USS Lincoln in May. White House officials said that the President would wear the suit at every public function until election day in 2004. Advisers said that the decision was made based on the success of Bush�s flight to the aircraft carrier and the lengthy discussion it spurred on how �macho,� �studly,� and �hung� it made the President look. �To be honest, the idea came to us because he was already wearing the flight suit around the residence and at all his meetings. There�s a rumor that he even sleeps in it,� a White House source said. �So we knew it made him feel comfortable, and we knew the positive reaction it got with soccer-moms and homosexuals around the country.� Meanwhile, pundits were busy praising the President and his aides� decision on cable television. �Not only does he have every woman�s vote in the United States of America, but he has the envy of every man in the country. Size does count, and everyone at the annual Congressional Picnic got a real treat,� G. Gordon Liddy said on MSNBC�s Hardball. �Oh mama, just look at his package! Put the children to bed!�

White House finds economist who believes tax cut will improve economy

Washington -- President Bush signed the third-largest tax cuts in U.S. history Wednesday, then introduced the only economist in the world who believes that the plan will actually help create jobs and provide growth to the economy. "He's not really that much of a talker, but he knows his stuff about the economy. Do you have anything to say about my growth plan, uh, Little Joe?" asked the President. "Why, sure! This tax cut will be a real boost to our economy," Little Joe said in a high-pitched voice that seemed to come from President Bush. "I say this will help create jobs and provide needed stimulus, all thanks to me -- uh, the President!" The 10-year, $350 billion package of tax cuts was less than half the amount Bush had originally proposed. The White House hopes the cuts, the third of his presidency, will revive the economy and bolster his own political future. "Tax cuts are sure great, huh?! Too bad the congress wouldn't let the President do what he really wanted," Little Joe said. "I guess they just don't want to help regular folk who need more money these days." Little Joe's high-profile endorsement of the President's plan for the economy will be used to counter attacks on the tax cut from Democrats who don't enjoy having more money.

Bush team to seek reversal of American Idol vote at Supreme Court

As the nation reacts to Wednesday's outcome of the annual American Idol election, which named Ruben Studdard as the unofficial winner, Bush administration officials are planning to contest the results with a combination of swift legal work alongside a massive public relations blitz. According to officials, a FOX affiliate in Palm Beach, FL had called the American Idol election for Mr. Aiken before a different result was broadcast nationally. Republicans are citing this as a main reason for their concerns, and discount today's reports that a cousin of Clay Aiken forced the FOX channel to announce the unverified result in their favor. George H. W. Bush's former secretary of state James Baker held the first of many press conferences on the matter, saying "Mr. Aiken won the count. Mr. Aiken won a recount. The country is going down a very dangerous path here, and it's safe to say this is shaping up to be the biggest constitutional crisis we've had in, say, three years." Republican operatives from Washington were already on the ground in Los Angeles, protesting Ryan Seacrest's announcement that Clay Aiken lost by 130,000 votes.

"What about the overseas votes? How dare American Idol cut off the military vote! This is a disgrace!" one Senate-aide shouted.

Bush Spokesman Ari Fleischer to Resign

This guy passed exceptionally foul verbal gas on a daily basis to America and the world.

All I have to say on this one is good riddance.

"Victory over Iraq" celebration draws tens to Times Square

Americans filled with anxiety over the fate of the world under Iraq's rule are resting easier, and taking to the streets, as the White House hinted today that President Bush would give a televised address to the nation announcing complete and total victory by coalition forces. "This is the first time I've been able to rest in weeks," said exuberant American Mark Jourdain. "One minute Iraq is casting an evil shadow over the entire planet with their weapons of mass destruction, and the next minute we somehow manage to overcome all odds and win the battle. We're all so lucky that we managed to win!" Tens of jubilant citizens took to the streets of New York's Times Square to celebrate winning the war, and to sell US-flag T-shirts. Many in the street were still emotionally affected by America's sudden victory over Iraq. "I'm still in shock over this being clinched so soon. If I had known, I'd have purchased some V-I Day decorations for the house," exclaimed Diana Hendricks.

Nuff said....

Where are the weapons of mass destruction, George?

In reality all the words the administration has spewed over the last 6 months were just weapons of mass distraction. Distracting us from Enron, the Economy, the Stolen Election, and the failure to find just one man, Osamma.

Thank god for the Dixie Chicks, Michael Moore, Senator Byrd and all the people at the anti-war rallies across America. These people are the REAL patriots!