Saturday, March 06, 2010

Out With The Old - In With The New (blog)

OK, after years of using Blogger I am now making the move to publish the Blog O' Rama using WordPress. Why? Two reasons. One is I want to be able to custom code my site so it can look more up-to-date, with really cool graphics, widgets and Java shit. Second, Blogger will no longer support FTP bloggers cause they claim we take up all their bandwidth (which is probably true). So hang in there and in a few days you will see a new and vastly improved Blog!

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Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Stone the Killer Whale Who Killed the Trainer

The American Family Association, a fundamentalist christian group, is urging that Tillikum (Tilly), the "killer" whale that killed it's trainer at SeaWorld Orlando, be killed, preferably by stoning. Citing Tilly's history of violent "altercations", the group is slamming SeaWorld for not listening to Scripture in how to deal with the animal:

Says the ancient civil code of Israel, "When an ox gores a man or woman to death, the ox shall be stoned, and its flesh shall not be eaten, but the owner shall not be liable." (Exodus 21:28)"

However, the group is going further and laying the blame for the trainer's death directly at the feet of Chuck Thompson, the curator in charge of animal behavior, because, according to Scripture, if one of your animals kills a second time because you didn't kill it after it claimed its first human victim, this time you die right along with your animal!

To use the example from Exodus, if your Ox kills a second time, "the Ox shall be stoned, and its owner also shall be put to death." (Exodus 21:29)

SeaWorld has said it has no plans to execute Tilly or Chuck.

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Friday, February 12, 2010

Utah's House of Deniers

Carbon dioxide is "essentially harmless" to human beings and good for plants. So now will you stop worrying about global warming?

Utah's House of Representatives apparently has. Officially the most Republican state in America, its political masters have adopted a resolution condemning "climate alarmists", and disputing any scientific basis for global warming. The measure, which passed by 56-17, has no legal force, though it was predictably claimed by climate change sceptics as a great victory.

The original version of the bill dismissed climate science as a "well organised and ongoing effort to manipulate and incorporate "tricks" related to global temperature data in order to produce a global warming outcome". It accused those seeking action on climate change of riding a "gravy train" and their efforts would "ultimately lock billions of human beings into long-term poverty".

In the heat of the debate, the representative Mike Noel said environmentalists were part of a vast conspiracy to destroy the American way of life and control world population through forced sterilisation and abortion.

By the time the final version of the bill came to a vote, cooler heats apparently prevailed. The bill dropped the word "conspiracy", and described climate science as "questionable" rather than "flawed". It also called on the federal government's Environmental Protection Agency to order an immediate halt in its moves to regulate greenhouse gas emissions "until a full and independent investigation of climate data and global warming science can be substantiated".

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Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Felonious Snowball Tossing

FEBRUARY 9--Felony snowball throwing charges have been leveled against two Virginia college students for allegedly pelting a city plow and an undercover police car during Saturday's blizzard. Charles Gill and Ryan Knight, both 21, were nabbed by cops in Harrisonburg, where they attend James Madison University. According to police, the pair first targeted a city plow last Saturday afternoon. The driver responded by calling cops to report the frosty fusillade. When police responded to the scene in a bid to identify the assailants, their unmarked vehicle also came under an icy assault. Gill and Knight, a guard on JMU's basketball team, were then apprehended and booked into jail for throwing missiles at occupied vehicles, a felony. If convicted of the felonious snowball tossing, the men each face between one and five years in prison, and a maximum $2,500 fine.

Thanks to Bush and Fox News everyone is now a terrorist!

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Saturday, January 23, 2010

Photo of the New Apple Tablet



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Thursday, December 31, 2009

Hawaiian goddess Pele� places �Aloha Curse� on Rush Limbaugh

Breaking (Honolulu): Rush Limbaugh has had a curse placed on him for coming to Hawai�i. Limbaugh is now clinging to life at Queens Hospital after Pele' reached into his chest and squeezed his heart. �It is very possible he will die if he stays here any longer� said his publicist who is trying to re-book his return flight to the mainland. An unnamed local source said this happens very rarely and only to those who can�t comprehend the meaning of "Aloha", usually because their soul is so corrupt. Pele�, who normally lives on the Big island made a special trip after hearing of Rush�s �Vacation.� When asked if this will happen again, the goddess of fire responded �Let this be a wake-up call for Carl Rove, I hear he is coming this February!�

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Wednesday, December 30, 2009

2009 Slam/Bam Award - Best Political Commentator, Rachel Maddow



BAM!

MSNBC sent us a goddess... a gay goddess. Rachel Maddow is without a doubt the most refreshing, intelligent, comically sly political commentator on the scene today. Her wry sense of humor makes it easier to understand some of the most underhanded, disgusting, and deceitful political tactics and news stories that come out of our very corrupt Washington establishment. She breaks the stories and calls everyone on it.. with a smile! God I love her!


The 2009 Slam/Bam Award is presented to the Best and Worst of our culture for the year 2009 according to extensive polling of the exceptionally intelligent and thoughtful fans of Sushi Bandit's Blog O' Rama.

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Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Caller asks GOP senator if he prayed hard enough for other senators to die

A caller who reached CSPAN asked a Republican senator if he'd prayed hard enough for Democratic Sen. Robert Byrd (D-WV) to die on Tuesday.

"We got our vigil together and took Sen. Coburn's instructions and prayed real hard that Sen. Byrd would either die or couldn't show up at the vote the other night," the called, dubbed "Abraham" from Georgia remarked. "How hard did you pray, because I see one of our members is missing this morning. Did it backfire on us? Did one of our members die?"

"How hard did you pray?" he adds. "Did you pray hard enough?" He appears to break into tears at the end.

The caller appeared to be referring to Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK), who missed one of the Senate's healthcare votes.

Senator Tom Coburn (R-OK) announced Sunday he was hoping -- even praying -- that one of his Democratic colleagues somehow could not manage to cast a vote on health care in the wee hours of Monday morning. Liberal critics saw the remarks as a thinly veiled aside against 92-year-old Sen. Robert Byrd (D-WV), who had to be wheeled in in a wheelchair to vote. (He did.)

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Wednesday, December 16, 2009

I'm Going To Quit Going To Costco



A Utah Costco took tomatoes off the shelves during a visit by Sarah Palin, after the Alaska Governor was pelted with the fruit on a stop at the Mall of America.

A lady stopped by the Salt Lake City Costco to do some shopping, unaware that Palin was scheduled to be there for a book signing. Unable to find any tomatoes, she was told by a clerk that there were no tomatoes that day.

No tomatoes? At Costco?

As she was leaving, she noticed a man with a store manager's name tag and asked him why they had no tomatoes. He informed her the store did have tomatoes, but they were taken off the shelves while the quitter was there.

It turns out that Palin had been pelted with a tomato at an earlier stop on her book tour and the management at the Costco was determined it wouldn't happen here.

Gee, I hope I don't go to Costco the day Glenn Beck does his book signing. I wont be able to buy a super-sized box of donkey assholes.

P.S. her tongue sure looks crooked!

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Friday, September 11, 2009

Levi Johnston To Pose Nude For Gay Mag!

Sarah Palin�s least-favorite almost-son-in-law Levi Johnston will not vanish from the public eye, ever! He�s doing a photoshoot for a magazine called Playgirl, which, despite its gender specific name, is actually a site for gay men who like to look at photographs of other men, naked. There is nothing wrong with this, just ask the Alaska Family Council! And, you know, I am pretty happy that of the two unlikely Wasilla-based media sensations of September 2008, Sarah Palin is now an unemployed twitterer and baby maker Levi Johnston is the celebrity of September 2009. Who could�ve predicted it?

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Thursday, August 27, 2009

Palin Pisses on Loren Leman, Alaska Family Council, and Pregnant Teens

Meg Stapleton, spokeswoman for an increasingly fragile and erratic unemployed publicity hound, had to once again explain at the very last minute how Sarah Palin would not be headlining an event that the event organizers thought she would be headlining.

This time it�s an event promoting an Alaska ballot measure aimed at making it illegal for teens to get an abortion without telling their parents. The Alaska Family Council has been advertising that Palin would give a speech and become the first official signer of the ballot petition tonight at ChangePoint, the Anchorage megachurch.

Meg Stapleton said Wednesday, in response about tonight�s event, that �this is the first we have ever heard of a speech.� She said Palin is out of state and won�t be there.

Anchorage homes received automated calls this week from former Lt. Gov. Loren Leman, saying, "I'm calling to ask you to meet with Gov. Sarah Palin and me this Thursday for an event to protect young girls facing abortion decisions."

I guess she is too busy writing her new book "How to take out Obama's Nazi-Socialist Death Panels from a Helicopter"

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Friday, July 31, 2009

Sarah Palin Pisses On Ronald Reagan�s Grave

Sarah Palin is so super-maverick-y now that she won�t even honor her vow to make a speech at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library, where she was scheduled to speak at the Simi Valley Republican Ladies Group Fund-raiser for Republicans, a very widely reported exciting event that was to be her first public appearance since just quitting the governorship of Alaska because fuck those people, right?

The Ventura County Star reports: Just days after officially stepping down as governor of Alaska, former GOP vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin is dropping out of an advertised speaking engagement in Simi Valley �.

It was on Thursday that Palin�s spokeswoman Meghan Stapleton made public the news of the decision not to attend the event via Palin�s Facebook page. Up to 900 people were expected to attend the event at $100 a ticket for members and $150 for non-members, but media had been barred from the occasion.

Facebook! She fucks these people over via Facebook. She�ll probably take Bristol out of her will via Twitter.

Meg, Palin�s loyal nut-case sidekick and spokesperson, said Palin bailed this time because she has so much, uhm, work to do. Commitments, too. Work and commitments. Also. Says the Ventura paper, �It is unclear what those other work and commitments are.�

Hahahahah. Why does lazy quitter Sarah Palin hate Republican ladies? And why must she desecrate the grave of Ronald Reagan?

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Sunday, July 05, 2009

Bye Bye Bitch



Sarah "I'm not a quitter" Palin resigns 1 1/2 years before her term ends. She claims that she has become "Blood Sport" for the press. Well Sarah, maybe you now know how it feels to be a moose or bear killed from a helicopter, Bitch!

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Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Stewart Smalley to Save Senate!


Yes, Stewart Smalley, aka Al Franken, was finally elected to the U.S. Senate! After a feeble and degrading challenge to his election by "I'm not really a Jew" Norm Coleman, Stewart can now set his sights on Capital Hill. His first order of business will be to meet with each senator privately to discuss their lack of self esteem. "The first law I would like to pass is entitled "The Bi-Partisan Group Hug Act" which will require all in congress to hug each other before and after each session. Belive me, they all need a hug and after this election, I do too!

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Monday, June 22, 2009

Lame-ass Indiana Congressman Proposes Plexi-glass Cage for Public Visitors


In an effort to continue the fear mongering started during the Bush administration, Indiana republican congressman Dan Burton today proposed enclosing the Capitol gallery in Plexiglas to protect members of Congress from a terrorist attack.

�What this bill does is it would authorize a study to look at enclosing the chamber, the gallery chamber, with Plexiglas so that somebody can�t throw a bomb down on the floor and kill a lot of us,� Burton told the Rules Committee Thursday. To the shock of on-looking congressmembers, Burton described how a terrorist could kill the lot of them. Someone could kill �half the Members of Congress right now,� he said.

�You could take a detonating device that looks like a watch so you could get through the metal detector,� Burton explained. �And when everybody was on the floor, as many as you wanted, you could put that into the plastic explosive, toss it out on the floor, and there is no way you would lose half of us if we were on the floor, at least, or more. I don�t know how much damage it would do.�

It has now become obvious to those with half a brain that congressman Burton has shit for brains.

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Friday, May 29, 2009

Man fails to make friend's wife pregnant - gets sued

A judge in Stuttgart Germany must decide this week on a case where a man hired his neighbor to get his wife pregnant.

Demetrius Soupolos (29) and his former beauty queen wife Traute (26), wanted a child but was told by doctors he was sterile. After calming his wife's protests Demetrius hired his neighbor, Frank Maus (34) to impregnate her. Since Frank was already married and the father of two children, the plan seemed good.

Demetrius paid Frank 2,500 euros for the job and for three evenings a week for six months Frank tried a total of 72 different times to impregnate Traute. When his own wife objected he explained, "I don't like this any more than you. I'm simply doing it for the money."

When Traute failed to get pregnant, Demetrius insisted that Frank have a medical exam. The doctor's announcement that Frank was also sterile shocked everyone... except his wife. She then confessed that Frank was not the father of their two children.

Now Demetrius is suing Frank for breach of contract in order to get his money back. Frank is refusing stating he did not guarantee conception, only that he would give it an honest effort.

I guess it looks like everyone got fucked in this deal!

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Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Can I believe in anything anymore?

OK, as a child I was crushed when I heard on the school yard that Santa was not real, he was my parents. As a teen I was told I had a constitutionally guaranteed right to assemble. That was dashed at my first anti-war protest when we were attacked by police. And now I just learned that Van Gogh's did not cut off his ear, his buddy Paul Gauguin did it during a fight. Next you will be saying there is no Jesus or god� oh, wait� I already know that!

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Thursday, April 23, 2009

R.I.P. GeoCities

GeoCities, a free Web hosting service that achieved fame in the mid-90s, died Thursday at the Yahoo headquarters in Silicon Valley. GeoCities was 15 years old.

GeoCities had suffered a long and drawn-out battle with its health over the past decade. An antiquated service model and outdated technology are widely blamed for the struggle. An official cause of death, however, has yet to be determined.

GeoCities is survived by two cousins, Angelfire and Tripod, along with an Uncle, Jeeves. All three are believed to be terminally ill.

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Thursday, April 09, 2009

GOP lawmaker says Asians should simplify their names

Rep. Betty Brown, a Republican Texas state legislator said in House testimony about ballot accessibility that Asian Americans should change their names to ones that are �easier for Americans to deal with.�

�Rather than everyone here having to learn Chinese � I understand it�s a rather difficult language � do you think that it would behoove you and your citizens to adopt a name that we could deal with more readily here?� Brown remarked.

What? "Your citizens"?? Betty, Your an Insensitive Exclusionary Racist Bitch!

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Friday, March 20, 2009

Pope Says "Put a Bible Over Your Penis"

POPE Benedict last night claimed that placing a bible over an erect penis before intercourse is the only guaranteed way to prevent the spread of Aids.

Speaking before his tour of Africa, the Pontiff said Aids could only be tackled by the 'traditional teaching of the church' and not a latex rubber sheath that contains infected semen and prevents it from transferring the virus to another human being.

Experts said that either the Pope is suggesting the bible is used like a condom, or he doesn't know what a condom is.

Dr Emma Bradford, of Reading University, said: "I guess you would have to rip out a few pages of Leviticus and then somehow fashion them into a condom-like device using lots and lots of masking tape (which may cause chafing).

Dr Bradford added: "Suggesting that the African Aids epidemic can be contained simply by reading the bible would be criminally insane."

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Thursday, March 19, 2009

Eight go from White House to the Big House

Do you know how many former Bush administration officials have been sentenced with jail time? The answer is eight! here is the list (so far):

Felipe Sixto, special assistant to President Bush for intergovernmental affairs. He pled guilty to embezzling $600,000 from the Center for a Free Cuba, a government-funded program and received a 30-month prison sentence.

Scooter Libby, former Vice President Dick Cheney's chief-of-staff. He was sentenced to 30 months for his role in the leaking and coverup of CIA agent Valerie Plame's identity to the press. President Bush quickly commuted the sentence. How nice of him!

Brian Doyle, Deputy Press Secretary at the Department of Homeland Security, was sentenced to five years in jail for attempting to use a computer to seduce a child.

Dusty Fago, Executive director of the CIA, received a three year prison sentence on corruption charges.

David Safavian, General Services Administration Chief-of-Staff and head procurement official went to prison for 18 months on charges related to the Jack Abramoff lobbyist scandal.

Italia Federici, political aide to Secretary of the Interior, Gail Norton, received a two month sentence in a halfway house for obstructing the Senate investigation into Abramoff and for tax evasion.

Steven Griles, who was the number two official at the Interior Department, also received 10 months in jail for his part in the Abramoff scandal.

Bob Stein, the Comptroller of the Coalition Provisional Authority in Iraq, received the longest sentence of any Bush official (as of yet) - 9 years in prison for money laundering, conspiracy and bribery.

This is not counting all the other convictions that didn�t result in jail time and all the other investigations.

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Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Sushi You Will Never Eat



With a head like a fighter-plane cockpit, a Pacific barreleye fish shows off its highly sensitive, barrel-like eyes�topped by green, orblike structures�in a picture released today but taken in 2004.

The fish, discovered alive in the deep water off California's central coast by the Monterey Bay Aquarium Research Institute, is the first specimen of its kind to be found with its soft transparent dome intact.

The 6-inch (15-centimeter) barreleye (Macropinna microstoma) had been known since 1939�but only from mangled specimens dragged to the surface by nets.

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Old Republican Asshole Apologizes For Happily Predicting Ruth Bader Ginsburg Will Die Soon

Kentucky! One of the comical idiot Republican senators of the �Bluegrass State� is a stupid old prick who once played baseball in, who knows, the pre-Civil War era?

But America�s worst, dumbest senator, Jim Bunning, who barely kept his seat in 2004 � the year George W. Bush Jr. actually won the presidential election. Anyway Bunning, 77, said Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg is about to DIE, because she is two years younger than he is, and she was successfully treated for early-stage pancreatic cancer and was back to work at SCOTUS today.

Bunning finally apologized, just now. What a dick.

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Saturday, February 21, 2009

Renovation of Disneyland's 'Small World' Complete!

As Walt Disney Co. set out to renovate It's a Small World at Disneyland, the company's Imagineers had one thing in mind: Don't mess it up.

Despite being one of the oldest attractions in the park, the ride is among the most popular -- drawing about 6.7 million riders a year.

The challenge was to give the beloved attraction new vibrancy without altering the stylized look created by the Disney artist whose childlike illustrations influenced such classic animated films as "Cinderella," "Alice in Wonderland" and "Peter Pan."

The Imagineers consulted illustrator Mary Blair's original drawings for inspiration as they undertook one of the most ambitious updates of the ride since it opened at the Anaheim park in 1966.

After a yearlong renovation, it reopened with a new scene that depicts the "Spirit of America," a relocated rain forest and 29 added Disney and Pixar characters inserted in the countries where their stories take place.

Whether the public will embrace the changes remains to be seen. Some Disney purists have howled at the notion of Disney characters intruding on It's a Small World -- saying that their presence would destroy a historic work of art. Even the Blair family wrote a letter that labeled the move a "gross desecration."

Well, you decide for yourself...

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Wednesday, January 28, 2009

America Gets Its First Black Attorney General!

Hooray for progress!

The Senate Judiciary Committee just approved Eric Holder for the Attorney General spot, by 17-2, which means the full Senate will now happily okay his nomination and America will have its first-ever African-American head of the Justice Department.

There is a certain justice to this development, MMMHMMM? Anyway let�s hope Holder is a little bit better than the first Mexican attorney general, Pancho Via.

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Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Obama Shaka

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Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Man arrested for shoe bomb comment

A St. Louis man was jailed 3 1/2 days and charged with making a threat about a shoe bomb.

Michael Shafermeyer, 30, was arrested Saturday boarding a flight at Lambert Airport on Saturday. He was flying to Maryland to get married and because he was anxious about the wedding and nervous about flying, he had a few drinks before getting to the airport. His friends describe him as a guy with a non-stop, quirky sense of humor.

When a flight attendant asked him to close his laptop after boarding, Shafermeyer says he was just trying to make a joke when he asked her, �Are you the one who checks for shoe bombs?� Within minutes federal agents whisked him off the plane and he spent the next 2 � days in solitary confinement in the St. Louis County Jail. The final day in jail, he was put in general holding with 20-30 other people, who he said stood and gave him a standing ovation.

Shafermeyer said he�s charged with making a false bomb report. He still plans to go to Maryland to get married, but will take the train to get there.

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Thursday, January 01, 2009

Proof of Overfishing

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Friday, December 19, 2008

Elitist Obama Inaugural Will Feature Poetry

Here is a true story about poets: they are all a bunch of whining pussies, except for Jane Kenyon, Robert Frost, and the two guys who played the precogs in Minority Report.

When JFK asked Robert Frost to read a poem at his swearing-in, Robert Frost wrote a poem specifically for the purpose and then when he couldn�t read it, on account of being a million years old and all of the terrible howling winds, he just recited another poem of his, from memory. Then the strapping 86-year-old walked 500 miles uphill in the snow to get home, because he was Robert Fucking Frost.


click on picture to make it bigger

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Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Americans Become Actively Scared Of Economy

Deflation kicks in. The Federal Reserve this afternoon is expected to cut the fed funds rate from 1% to .5%, a modern record. The government is printing more money than you can shake a stick at, all night, every night, to give to financial companies. This should be an incredibly sexy time to make LOANS.

Overnight loans, car loans, Truck Nutz loans, who cares, loans loans loans, free money! The only problem is that we�ve developed a terrorist�s mindset in which the American economy, as a whole, has become the enemy.

It is a poison. The economy will kill you if you step near it. We do not wish to bring our money to this� this �thing.� It is made of several trillion different flavors of death. Last week, for example, the yield on three-month Treasuries fell below zero for the first time ever, meaning people were effectively paying the government to hold onto their cash.

People will have nothing to do with this fucking economy in any way. It is made of garbage and dead rats and synthetic collateralized debt obligations and poop.

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Saturday, December 06, 2008

I'm on Current TV Again!

1/2 of world's jailed journalists come from Web

This story was broadcasted on Curret TV's News segment on Saturday 12-6-08 and posted on current.com



15 of my news stories have now been broadcasted on national TV!

In case you missed it, this story "Feds refuse to identify recipients of $2 trillion loans from American taxpayers" was broadcasted on Curret TV's News segment on 11-10-08

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Tuesday, December 02, 2008

130,000 Boobs Lost at Sea

More than 130,000 inflatable breasts have been lost at sea en route to Australia.



Men's magazine Ralph was planning to include the boobs as a free gift with its January issue. The cargo is worth about $200,000. A spokeswoman for Ralph said the container left docks in Beijing two weeks ago but turned up empty in Sydney this week.

The magazine has put out an alert to shipping authorities to see if they have the container, but if they don't turn up in the next 48 hours it will be too late for the next issue, she said.

Ralph editor Santi Pintado urged anyone who has any information to contact the magazine. "Unless Somali pirates have stolen them its difficult to explain where they are."

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Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Sarah Palin Offered $2M To Appear In Adult Film

THIS IS A TRUE STORY!
After all the commemorative Day After Election Day newspapers are bought, will there be any profit left to be wrung from the 2008 Election Experience? One visionary named Cezar Capone believes there remains one growth sector: Sarah Palin-themed pornography. Judging by how well the first foray was received, he's probably right! And even if he isn't, he's at least bold about making a dent in the marketplace: in a letter posted to his PalinSuperMILF website [SFW, by the way, it's just a letter], he offers the Alaska Governor $2 million large to star in her own show, Zack and Miri style:

Please let this writing serve as an official request. In light of the recent election results, Cezar Capone Productions would like to make you a formal offer of $2,000,000 to star in an adult "MILF" production. I am sure you are unaware that Cezar Capone is the KING of all "MILF" films. This one time offer also guarantees that you can walk away from our beautiful set with a newer and sexier wardrobe to make up for the $150,000 worth of clothes you had to give back to the GOP.

You may be asking yourself why you should even consider such a crazy proposition? The answer is simple; this film will be shot in high definition, and be a glossy, adult production starring a beautiful mother recognized by all of America as well as the rest of the world -the most desirable woman over 40! The film will be distributed internationally on DVD, as well as the website will reside on palinsupermilf.com

And this part might just be the dealmaker: We have taken into consideration that there may be some hesitation to star in an adult production with male talent other than your husband so we are also prepared to kick in an extra $100,000.00 for your husband Todd to star in the movie with you, along with a brand new Arctic Cat snowmobile for him to sweeten the deal.

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Thursday, February 21, 2008

Heraldists want penis reinstated on military badge

Army castrates heraldic lion

Sweden's chief heraldists remain dissatisfied with a decision by the Nordic Battlegroup to remove a lion's penis depicted on its coat of arms.

But staff at the National Archives are hopeful that the Nordic Battlegroup will reconsider its position and re-erect the lion's member on its insignia.

"They stepped over the line when they made alterations to the badge without consulting us. It was a clear breach of copyright," state heraldist Henrik Klackenberg.

Although the heraldry unit is unlikely to take any legal action, Klackenberg said he would appreciate an apology from the Armed Forces.

After an initial flurry of media reports in December last year, the Commander of the Nordic Battlegroup, Karl Engelbrektsson, revealed that it was he who he had ordered the alteration. This ran contrary to initial reports suggesting that the emasculation occurred following pressure from female soldiers.

In an interview with Sveriges Radio, the Commander said he decided to give the lion the snip having read UN Security Council Resolution 1325 on women, peace and security.

But heraldic artist Vladimir A Sagerlund was dismayed at what he viewed as an alarming lack of historical awareness. In former times, he said, coats of arms containing lions without genitalia were given to those who betrayed the Swedish Crown.

"We could make the dimensions a bit smaller, for example. Once we were commissioned to create a similar symbol for Swedish Customs. When they thought it was a bit much they sent it back to us and we just shrank the organ," said Klackenberg.

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Saturday, January 12, 2008

Twins separated at birth met and married

LONDON (Reuters) - A couple discovered after they had married that they were twins who had been split up at birth and adopted by separate families, according to a member of Britain's House of Lords.

"This did not involve in vitro fertilization: It involved the normal birth of twins who were separated at birth and adopted by separate parents," said Alton, an independent member of the Lords. "They were never told that they were twins."

"They met later in life and felt an inevitable attraction, and the judge had to deal with the consequences of the marriage that they entered into and all the issues of their separation," he said.

"I suspect that it will be a matter of litigation in the future if we do not make information of this kind available to children who have been donor-conceived," he said.

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Saturday, July 07, 2007

Dust Delays Mars Crater Entry

A giant dust storm brewing for more than a week on Mars has become worse and is affecting surface operations of the Mars Exploration Rovers, Spirit and Opportunity. Because the rovers depend on solar energy for survival, and the dust is partially blocking the sun, the storm is being watched closely by the rover scientists and engineers. Opportunity's entry into Victoria Crater is delayed for at least several days.

The storm, the most severe storm yet to hit the rovers, is expected to continue for at least another week. Opportunity is perched near "Duck Bay" as it readies to descend into Victoria Crater, but operations were scaled back on Saturday, June 30, to conserve power.

"The storm is affecting both rovers and reducing the power levels on Opportunity," said John Callas, Mars Exploration Rover project manager at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory, Pasadena, Calif. "We are keeping an eye on this as we go forward, but our entry into Victoria Crater will be delayed until no sooner than July 13."

"We have some data that show the atmospheric opacity is decreasing, so the storm might have peaked and we may have passed the worst of this. The situation could improve quickly from here, but we will have to wait and see," said Callas.

Weather reports from NASA's Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter Mars Color Imager camera are helping track the storm and plan rover operations.

Pictures from the orbiter's Mars Color Imager show the storm is regional in extent, and includes several local areas of especially high dust activity. The storm has been moving eastward and toward mid-latitudes, and is now also causing an increase in atmospheric dust at Spirit's location, on the opposite side of the planet at Gusev Crater. Dust levels at Gusev remain much lower than at the Opportunity site, however.

Both rovers take daily measurements estimating the amount of dust in the atmosphere. The less dust the better, because it means more sunlight reaches the rover's solar panels, which power the vehicles. In the last week, Opportunity has broken its dust record, with the opacity level rising from 1.0 to 3.3. Solar array energy on Opportunity dropped from 765 watt-hours to 402 watt-hours over the same period of time.

"While this only represents enough dust to coat the planet to about the thickness of a human hair, it is enough to decrease the brightness of the noon sun by 96 percent compared to a completely clear atmosphere," said Steve Squyres, principal investigator, Cornell University, Ithaca, N.Y. "Of course, the solar arrays also receive light that is scattered from the dust, so the decrease in power is not nearly that great."

"We have not seen dust measurements this high on either rover before. If the dust levels were to increase further and stay elevated for several days, there is a risk to how well Opportunity could continue to work in this darkened environment," said Callas.

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Thursday, April 19, 2007

BREAKING NEWS!!

This breaking news just in.... we have heard from a reliable source that wishes to remain anonymous (since this story was just breaking) that he was shocked by the news. "The fact that the story broke before anyone thought it would was just shocking"

A government source within the administration who declined to be identified said "I was not aware of this breaking news" with no further comment. Other calls to administration officials to comment on this late breaking news were not returned.

The important issue is how Americans will deal with this news and how it will affect the presidential hopefulls position on this shocking revelation.

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Friday, March 02, 2007

UPDATE: Liechtenstein declares WAR against Switzerland.

After yesterdays invaision of the Swiss army, Liechtenstein has mobilized their national guard and is now marching to the Swiss border.

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Swiss Army Accidentally Invades Liechtenstein

Swiss Accidentally Invade Liechtenstein

The Associated PressFriday, March 2, 2007

ZURICH, Switzerland -- What began as a routine training exercise almost ended in an embarrassing diplomatic incident after a company of Swiss soldiers got lost at night and marched into neighboring Liechtenstein.

According to Swiss daily Blick, the 170 infantry soldiers wandered just over a mile across an unmarked border into the tiny principality early Thursday before realizing their mistake and turning back.

A spokesman for the Swiss army confirmed the story but said that there were unlikely to be any serious repercussions for the mistaken invasion....Officials in Liechtenstein also played down the incident.

Interior ministry spokesman Markus Amman said nobody in Liechtenstein had even noticed the soldiers, who were carrying assault rifles but no ammunition. "It's not like they stormed over here with attack helicopters or something," he said. Liechtenstein, which has about 34,000 inhabitants and is slightly smaller than Washington DC, doesn't have an army.


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Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Has Outsourcing Gone Too Far??



Customers leave after visiting 'Hitler's Cross' a restaurant at Kharghar, New Bombay, India. Hitler's Cross, a four-day old restaurant has riled some in India's financial capital, but its owner has no plans to make amends.

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Thursday, August 17, 2006

A Man of Peace

Congressman Dennis Kucinich visits Maui on his continuing campaign for domestic and international peace.

Congressman Kucinich and the Sushi Bandit discuss Peacebuilding in Haiku, Maui

Read the full story at:http://www.mauiweekly.com/features/story2348.aspx

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Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Tonight is an Important Milestone in American History

At 9:30 tonight, after roughly your 8th beer, the US will have been in Iraq longer than it was in WWII. This is because the Nazis were total pussies.

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Saturday, August 12, 2006

Who uses the word "Miscreants?"

I recently submitted a letter to the editor to the Maui News on the proposed Superferry that will run between Oahu and Maui. I thought it was hard hitting and addressed an important issue that no one else was talking about, the influx of Crime from Oahu. I expected it to be edited by the crack staff at Maui News because it was over 300 words, but I never expected the title to be changed.

My title "The Superferry and Maui Crime" was thoughtfully changed to "Superferry, aka H-4, a road to Maui for miscreants"

What? H-4?? Miscreants??? What type of �spin� is this??

Perplexed since I have only vaguely been exposed to this word in old English love novels and political campaign speeches by Warren Harding, I felt compelled to look it up in my 1957 version of Webster�s.

Miscreant (mis�kri-ent) adj. Ofr miscreant, unbelieving ppr. Of creire, to believe. 1. villianous; evil 2. unbelieving; heretical; infidel.

So now my letter is about importing Unbelieving Villianous Infidels from Oahu?

I think I like that title better!

http://www.mauinews.com/story.aspx?id=22326

UPDATE: 8-17-6

Well they printed my above response in the Maui News with only a few words deleted! Good for them. It can be found at: http://www.mauinews.com/story.aspx?id=22483

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Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Officials Criticize Hooters for Neuters

Click Poster to Make Mo Bigga



LOS ANGELES (AP) - Several city officials on Tuesday sharply criticized a planned bikini contest to raise money for spaying pets, saying the ``Hooters for Neuters'' event was degrading to women.

Hosted by the Hooters restaurant chain, the July 13 fundraiser will donate money to the spay and neuter programs at Los Angeles Animal Services. ``Are we going backward here?'' said City Controller Laura Chick. ``We are a city with all kinds of progressive programs that empower women and end discrimination in the workplace, and now we're being connected with a Hooters bikini contest. It isn't right.'' Councilwoman Jan Perry said the department's attempt to be creative in telling pet owners to sterilize their animals ``crosses the line.''

``These people have gone out of their way in helping us, and I would hate to deny these businesses from helping to save the lives of animals in our shelters,'' Boks said. ``When somebody steps up and says they want to help your agency raise money, your inclination is to say `Yes,''' Boks said. ``But, we probably won't be involved in any future bikini contests.''

...But I Love to see all those cute little dogies in Bikini's. Them dam controlling Bitches!

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Friday, May 12, 2006

New Zealand Not for Sale

SYDNEY, Australia - New Zealand is not for sale, despite somebody in neighboring Australia trying to offload the nation of 4 million to the highest online bidder.

With a starting offer of just one cent, brisk bidding for the prime chunk of South Pacific real estate quickly boosted the price to $2,330 before eBay pulled the plug on the auction this week.

``Clearly New Zealand is not for sale,'' eBay Australia spokesman Daniel Feiler told the New Zealand Press Association, adding that 22 bids had been made before the company acted.

``It is mostly household items we have for sale, but there are the occasional quirky items put up,'' he added. ``We have a look at them and if they are OK we leave them, but if it is something that can't be sold, we take them off.''

The trader has not been named, but apparently was unimpressed with the country he was trying to sell. The rivalry between the two countries is intense and in his advertisement the man said New Zealand had ``very ordinary weather.''

I wonder what Gandalf would say to that?

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Friday, May 05, 2006

Family Kicked Out Of Buffet Restaurant For Wasting Food

DES MOINES, Iowa -- Wendy Dershem may think twice before leaving that egg roll on her plate at her next Chinese buffet. The Des Moines woman, her boyfriend and her two children were kicked out of a restaurant last week after management accused her of leaving too much food on her plate.

"They told us we are not welcome there anymore," said Dershem, a repeat customer at the Dragon House buffet. "We waste too much food. But the buffet is all you can eat. And you know kids. They won't always eat everything and they want something else."

Dershem said she paid her $5.95 fee but was abruptly told to leave after eating one plate of food. "They just take one bite and throw it away," said cashier Lin Huyen. "They take four egg rolls and crab rangoon, take one bite of egg roll and throw the whole plate. That is wasting food."

Dershem said she was shocked by the scolding and complained to management. Dragon House manager Kent Cao said his restaurant offers all you can eat buffet, not all you can waste. Dershem's family took food, didn't finish it and then piled on the same food again, he said. "Shes done that too many times," Cao said. "We would welcome her back if she has respect and knows what she wants."

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Thursday, April 20, 2006

Oklahoma man posts sign seeking virgin bride

BRAY, Okla. -- A man has caused an uproar in the southwestern Oklahoma town of Bray by advertising in an unusual manner that he'd like to pay for a virgin to be his bride.

A sign that 45-year-old Michael Thelemann posted in his yard Sunday said that he'll pay $1,000 for a virgin bride between the ages of 12 and 24.

"I feel like I'm living down the street from a pedophile," said neighbor Christy Sternadel. "We want him out of this neighborhood. Who asks for a 12-year-old virgin bride?"

As of Wednesday, no one had taken up Thelemann on his offer, but he had heard several negative comments from neighbors, which he said he didn't understand. He said his grandmother married "a much older man" at age 14.

"I'm just somebody who is getting up there in years, and I'm looking for a born-again, God-fearing virgin between the ages of 12 and 24 who can bear me children," said Thelemann, who was divorced in 1989. "What's the problem? I just think I have some wicked neighbors."

Neighbors asked the Stephens County sheriff's department to stop Thelemann from displaying the sign, but Undersherriff Bob Hill said the sign was gone by the time deputies visited Thelemann's home.

That's because it was stolen, Thelemann said. He put up another sign Wednesday that didn't include the minor ages. The new sign also noted he's not interested in a "pig-worshipping, heathen, white-supremacist wife."

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Saturday, March 18, 2006

"Ass" made it on the Bush List

I LOVE this poll by Pew Research - One word description for Bush



"The single word most frequently associated with George W. Bush today is "incompetent,"and close behind are two other increasingly mentioned descriptors: "idiot" and "liar." All three are mentioned far more often today than a year ago."

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Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Sexual minority group complains over Razor Ramon Hard Gay game


The "Kurohi-gei Kiki Ippatsu" game based on television personality Razor Ramon HG has caused a stir.

A sexual minority network has sent complaints to toy giant Tomy and Tokyo Broadcasting System (TBS) over a new version of Tomy's Kurohige Kiki Ippatsu game that uses a character based on television personality Razor Ramon HG, alternatively known as Hard Gay.

The Kyoto-based sexual minority teacher's network is demanding that Tomy halt sales of a version of the game titled "Kurohi-gei Kiki Ippatsu." In the game, which is scheduled to go on sale on Dec. 30, plastic swords are inserted into holes in a barrel until the character inside jumps out.

The game was planned by TBS, the channel on which Razor Ramon frequently appears, and Tomy is marketing it. The complaints claim that selling a toy in which a gay or similarly associated person is put in a barrel and people 'enjoy' poking swords into it discriminates against homosexuals. They also raise fears that the game instills the impression in children that discrimination against gays is fine. Officials from the sexual minority network are seeking a response from Tomy and TBS over the issues.

Tomy officials said they would respond. "We have taken the matter seriously, and want to respond. The concept of the game is not to stab people with swords, but rather it is to have the character jump out from the barrel. We want to explain that there has been confusion," a company official said.

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Saturday, July 30, 2005

Berlin readies giant brothel for 2006 World Cup

BERLIN, July 29 - A German company is looking to cash in on an expected boom in the sex trade during next year's soccer World Cup with a 60-room brothel a walk away from Berlin's Olympic Stadium, German media reported on Friday.
Named after the virgin huntress of Greek mythology, the "Artemis" complex is due to open for business in September with whirlpool, sauna, cinema, buffet restaurant and a staff of 100 prostitutes, mass circulation daily Bild reported.
"This is no flash rip-off joint where clients are taken for a ride," a spokesman for the Artemis GmbH investment company behind the project, told the newspaper. Prostitution is legal in Germany in designated areas. Dortmund, one of 11 other cities to host World Cup matches, has said it will install drive-in wooden "sex garages" in time for the tournament in a bid to keep the trade off the streets.
.... I thought being "taken for a ride" is what prostitution is all about.

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Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Short Stuff

A landmark bridge in Indonesia is in danger of collapse because too many people are urinating on one of its steel pillars. The Ampera bridge has begun to lean at an angle because of corrosion by the acidic fluid.

Campaigners fighting for a ban on blonde jokes turned violent in a protest at a Budapest bar called Blondy, throwing food at the windows and urging blonde women working there to go on strike.

To avoid detection after robbing a jewellery shop, a Taiwanese man hid in an attic with a stock of bread and water. This week, a month after the robbery, he turned himself in to police, saying he could no longer stand his own body odour.

And speaking of stinkers�

Nearly 40 per cent of Germans find smelly co-workers to be the most annoying aspect of their jobs, according to a survey by the business magazine Junge Karriere.

...I'm going to share this with a few people at work!

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Monday, November 08, 2004

Short Stuff

A French pensioner with a life-long fear of being buried alive has designed a coffin with a built-in alarm system, water, food, ventilation and a mini-bar containing ouzo.

A Dutch online shop is selling coffee made from cat droppings for $1.20 a gram. Kopi Luwak is produced by Sumatra's civet cat. It eats ripe coffee beans, which are then hand-picked from its droppings.

An ex-gangster in Japan in love with a 15-year-old girl chopped off his little finger and mailed it to her father twice (it was returned to him the first time) in an unsuccessful bid to prove his commitment.

An Israeli man is getting a divorce after his bride smiled at the head waiter at their wedding ball. The new husband, from Haifa, said he had no proof, but his "gut feeling" was seldom wrong.

�what a dick!

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Friday, November 05, 2004

Sperm to the rescue

Romanian factory workers donate sperm in order to save their factory from going bankrupt. Apparently, sperm is one of the most valuable commodities that is also in great demand on the market in this South-European country. Besides, the workers of this ex-Socialist country possess nothing else aside from it.

According to a spokesman of the "Kampulung" factory, which manufactures 4x4s, the facility owns creditors a little over $12 000 000 USD. Sperm-bank located just around the corner from the car-manufacturing facility pays $32 per ejaculation. The workers, after hearing about this remarkable opportunity, rushed to the sperm bank to donate their sperm in order to pay back the creditors.

One of the union leaders stated, "Judging by our technical-economic plan, it turns out that if 1000 workers will donate their sperm regularly in the course of 2-3 months, we will be able to collect enough financial means to pay of the debt in its entirety. In the meantime, it is very rewarding to observe young workers trying to do their best to save this facility along with all the working personnel here."

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Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Man tries to convert lions to Jesus, gets bitten



46-year-old leaps into den at Taipei Zoo, calls beasts to Christianity

TAIPEI, Taiwan - A man leaped into a lion�s den at the Taipei Zoo on Wednesday to try to convert the king of beasts to Christianity, but was bitten in the leg for his efforts. �Jesus will save you!� shouted the 46-year-old man at two African lions lounging under a tree a few meters away. �Come bite me!� he said with both hands raised, television footage showed. One of the lions, a large male with a shaggy mane, bit the man in his right leg before zoo workers drove it off with water hoses and tranquilizer guns. Newspapers said that the lions had been fed earlier in the day, otherwise the man might have been more seriously hurt ... or worse.

note: the lion said that he tasted like shit.

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Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Wal Mart announces its own wine label

BENTONVILLE, ARK � Some Walmart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item: Walmart�s own brand of wine. The world�s largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range.

While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Walmart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. She said: �The right name is important.�

So, here we go: The top 12 suggested names for Walmart Wine:

12. Chateau Traileur Parc
11. White Trashfindel
10. Big Red Gulp
9. Grape Expectations
8. Domaine Wal-Mart �Merde du Pays� (Translated �Shit of the Land")
7. NASCARbernet
6. Chef Boyardeaux
5. Peanut Noir
4. Chateau des Moines
3. I Can�t Believe It�s Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Riesling

And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine ..
1. Nasti Spumante

Actually my entry was �Sam�s Shiraz�.

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with white meat (Possum) and red meat (squirrel).

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Monday, October 04, 2004

Sex toy causes air security scare

Authorities in a regional Australian airport shut down services for an hour on Monday after a vibrating sex toy was mistaken for a bomb.

The terminal at Mackay Airport in Queensland was evacuated, causing upheaval to flight schedules. The suspect package was later identified as a vibrator-type "adult novelty device".

The incident was the latest in a string of false alerts regarding air security in Australia. The alarm was raised by cafeteria manager Lynne Bryant, whose staff was cleaning the area near a bin where the package was found. "It was rather disconcerting when the rubbish bin started humming furiously," she said, Australian media reported.

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Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Prisoner asks for temporary bail to satisfy his wife

A criminal condemned for organizing programs on religious ground has put the Indian justice administration in a tricky situation. In a long letter to the city court, Akhmadabada Firozkhan Zafarkhan asked to be released from prison for a 30-day stay at home - in order to fulfill his conjugal obligations.

He based his deep depression, which also affects his wife while they are separated, on the urgent need for intimacy. "The laws of Islam forbid us to enter into a sexual relationship with someone else, so understand me and release me for a month to see my wife," Firozkhan begged the court.

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Friday, August 27, 2004

Entire bridge stolen in Southern Bosnia

SARAJEVO, Bosnia-Herzegovina - In what could qualify for Ripley's Believe It or Not, seven thieves stole an entire 13-yard bridge near the southern Bosnian town of Mostar, police said Friday.

Over several days, the group dismantled the metal bridge built during the Austro-Hungarian empire 150 years ago, transported the parts to a local junk yard and sold them, a police statement said.

While it all happened in a remote mountainous region, local villagers saw the thieves loading parts of the bridge into vans and alerted police last Friday. The seven men were arrested and are being held pending a decision by a prosecutor. Without disclosing their names, police said the Gypsies, or Roma, sold the metal parts for $170.

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Monday, August 23, 2004

Cod labeled air traffic hazard

Norway's Civil Aviation Administration Avinor has accused cod (fish) of threatening flight safety in Svolv�r.

Avinor, which owns Svolv�r Airport, wants no part of plans to have live cod in enclosures in the vicinity of the runway. "The probability of a collision between planes and sea birds will increase dramatically," Avinor said at a hearing. Avinor's airport chief at Svolv�r, Bj�rn Opsahl, believes the cod will be a temptation for birds, and that feeding the fish would also attract the birds in numbers.

Local businesses had hoped to cooperate by putting live Lofoten cod in enclosures in order to increase profitability by being able to deliver fresh cod all year round.

"It sounds a bit strange that gulls and other sea birds are going eat such big fish," said Ole Osland at L. Berg S�nner.

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Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Breastfeeding Moms Hold 'Nurse-In' at Starbucks

SEATTLE (Reuters) - More than two dozen mothers staged a breastfeeding "nurse-in" at a Starbucks Corp. store in Maryland over the weekend in an effort to get the world's largest coffee shop chain to adopt a policy allowing breastfeeding in all its U.S. stores.

Lorig Charkoudian, who organized the event, said on Tuesday that she began her quest a month ago when she was nursing her 15-month-old daughter at the store in Silver Spring, Maryland, and was asked by a Starbucks employee to cover up with a blanket or breastfeed in the bathroom.

She protested and, after eventually reaching the regional vice president, got Seattle-based Starbucks to recognize a Maryland law that allows mothers to breastfeed their children in public. Starbucks spokeswoman Audrey Lincoff said in a statement that the coffee chain "quickly apologized for her negative experience" and reminded employees at its Maryland stores to comply with the law.

.. a little cream for your coffee?

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Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Drunk Driver Asks Police to Arrest Him

VERNON, Vt. - It's not too often that the police get pulled over by a drunk driver. But that's what happened recently to Police Chief Ian McCollin. McCollin was heading south on Route 142 when he noticed a driver at the Broad Brook Road stop sign, slowly edging forward into the intersection. As he passed the car, McCollin saw a confused look on the motorist's face." I figured it might be somebody looking for help, possibly lost or something," he said. When McCollin pulled his cruiser to the shoulder, the man pulled alongside, rolled down his passenger-side window and made an astonishing proclamation: He was looking for a police officer to arrest him because he was drunk.

...I guess he couldnt find an AA meeting!

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Thursday, August 05, 2004

Attack of the Short Stuff

A police sniffer dog has died of a suspected overdose while hunting for drugs, British police said. The springer spaniel showed symptoms of amphetamine use and died soon after the search.

The Italian town of Monza has banned people from keeping goldfish in bowls. A council official said fish get a "distorted view of reality" if kept in a bowl instead of a filtered, rectangular tank.

A British man who accidentally shot himself in the testicles after drinking 15 pints of beer has been jailed for five years for possessing an illegal firearm. The man had intended to shoot a friend.

An attempt to set a world record for group fire-walking in Dunedin and raise money for the ambulance service backfired when the cost of treating 28 people for burns exceeded the donations.

Thailand's army is offering a free pilgrimage to Mecca for anyone who helps secure the return of more than 300 assault rifles stolen by suspected Muslim extremists.

Czech composer Vaclav Halek has composed more than 2000 melodies which, he says, come directly from mushrooms. "I record music that mushrooms sing to me," he says. (eating too many of them?)

US scientists have developed a dried food ration that soldiers can hydrate by adding dirty water or urine. The chicken and rice meal comes with a filter that removes 99.9 per cent of bacteria and most toxic chemicals. (how�s your dinner? It tastes like piss!)

A man lit a cigarette while sitting on a portable toilet - and blew it up. The explosion, in Blacksville, West Virginia, resulted from a build-up of methane gas, officials said. The man was not badly hurt. (yea, and he wont need that operation for hemmoroids now)

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Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Woman married without her knowledge

A 22-year-old woman in Oslo was shocked when she received her divorce papers in the mail as she was not aware that she had been registered as married to a Pakistani man for a year.
The woman�s wallet was stolen in Oslo three years ago. She claims the man used her ID to arrange a fake marriage. According to the divorce papers, they got married at Islamic Cultural Centre in Oslo in November of 2002. The 22-year-old woman said she thinks the man used a Norwegian woman as a stand-in at the actual wedding ceremony.

�I�m in shock,� the woman explained. �I have never married and I didn�t understand what was happening.�

Imam Maulana Mehboob-ur-Rehman in the congregation said that they are very careful that the people who get married have their papers in order and has no idea how this could have happened. He said he thinks the man has tricked both the woman and the congregation.
The 22-year-old is trying to get the marriage declared invalid. She has filed a formal complaint, but the police have dropped the case because they have not managed to locate the man in question. The woman and her lawyer have not managed that either. The man allegedly operates with several names in Norway.

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Friday, July 16, 2004

Smoking traveller held on for his life

The man was travelling with his daughter on the Intercity train which departed from Stockholm shortly after noon Monday. At 2:30 p.m. the train stopped at Hallsberg. The man used the opportunity to take a smoke on the platform, however, before he had finished his cigarette the train pulled out.

�He did the unwise thing to jump on and was hanging on the last car,� said Magnus Andersson, media contact at Svenska Jernv�gar. �He managed to hang on for 15 to 20 minutes. When the train personnel discovered this, they pulled the emergency brake and got him inside.�

According to the paper, it was the man�s 9-year-old daughter who made the train personnel aware of the situation when she asked for her father. The girl talked to the conductor, explained Stina Abrahamsson, age 23. �She asked for her daddy, but the conductor said that if anyone was stupid enough to step of the train, had himself to blame.�

However, the man hanging on for his dear life happened to have his cell phone and he managed to contact the train personnel.
 
�another good reason to have a cell phone!

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Thursday, July 15, 2004

Prankster makes 1,700 emergency calls

AOMORI Japan - An elderly man who made more than 1, 700 emergency calls to police over a six-month period was arrested on Tuesday, accused of obstructing official duties. The charges for which Yoshikatsu Birukawa, 64, was arrested involve 84 calls he made on his mobile phone to police in about seven hours on May 29.

"I'm covered in blood. Come rescue me quickly," Birukawa, from Aomori, reportedly said in one of the calls. Officers of the Aomori Police Station rushed to Birukawa's home several times in response to his calls, but mostly he was not in or pretended to be out. He began calling Aomori police in December last year, saying that he wanted officers to talk with him. In early January, his calls turned into pranks. In one day, he made more than 150 calls. The officers received 1,727 of his calls from December. They suspect that Birukawa had made similar prank calls to paramedics.

... Hello?... Hello??

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Monday, July 12, 2004

Israel orders snip to Shrek joke

The Hebrew-dubbed version of Shrek 2 has been banned from Israeli cinemas until a castration joke is removed.

Israeli singer David Daor won a court case over a reference to him that he said implied he had been castrated. The animated comedy had one character threaten to emasculate another by saying "Let's do a David Daor on him" - a reference to the singer's voice.

Tel Aviv District Court ordered Shrek 2 withdrawn from 20 cinemas pending a redub of the controversial remark. "This film intends to present me, in perpetuity, as a eunuch, a man with no testicles, and turn me into a laughing stock," Daor told an Israeli newspaper ahead of the legal hearing.

�I gotta hear this guy sing!

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Wednesday, July 07, 2004

Stealing a Kiss Isn't a Crime

COEUR D'ALENE, Idaho -- Stealing a kiss is not a crime, a jury has decided.

A computer repairman who kissed a customer during a house call was acquitted of battery Wednesday. Steven Allen Moyer, 40, said he figured the woman was lonely and might want companionship.

"She said she didn't have a steady boyfriend," Moyer testified. "I asked her if she wanted a boyfriend for 15 minutes."

Victoria Franich said Moyer cornered her, grabbed her and kissed her twice -- after billing her $20 for the service call. She said Moyer also asked her if she wanted to show him the bedroom.

"I said no and he left," she said. Franich then called police. The five-man, one-woman jury took 90 minutes to acquit Moyer.

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Tuesday, July 06, 2004

Fake alcohol inspector got plastered

The self-proclaimed alcohol inspector became plastered as he was allegedly checking the alcohol content of the restaurant�s drinks.

At a restaurant in S�derhamn in Sweden, the man introduced himself as alcohol inspector from the local authorities. He said that he was going to control that the restaurant provided the correct amount of alcohol in drinks. Alcohol worth about NOK 660 (USD $95) was placed in front of the 59-year-old man, who immediately started to investigate the volume and the amount of alcohol in the drinks.

After a while the man became so drunk that he started to throw the alcohol all over the place. At that time, the staff concluded that something was not quite right, and called the police. The false alcohol inspector was sentenced to pay fines.

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Monday, June 28, 2004

Iranian woman 'gives birth to frog'

...Amazing what the BBC will report!

An Iranian newspaper has reported the controversial story of a woman who claims to have given birth to a frog. The Iranian daily Etemaad says the creature is believed to have grown from larva to an adult frog inside her body.

While it is unclear how this could have happened, the paper carries quotes from medical experts who say there are human characteristics to the animal.

It has been speculated that the woman, who has not been named, unknowingly picked up the larva while she was swimming in a dirty pool. The woman, from the south-eastern city of Iranshahr, is a mother of two children.

The "so-called frog", as the newspaper puts it, has yet to undergo precise genetic and anatomic tests. But it quotes clinical biology expert Dr Aminifard as saying: "The similarities are in appearance, the shape of the fingers and the size and shape of the tongue."

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Friday, June 25, 2004

Cream Made from Breast Milk Reduces Warts

BOSTON - A cream made from human breast milk and nicknamed Hamlet can dramatically reduce, and often eliminate, stubborn common warts, Swedish doctors reported. Human Alpha-lactalbumin Made Lethal to Tumor cells, which the researchers refer to by the whimsical acronym HAMLET, is the active ingredient that forces the wart cell to self-destruct by accumulating in each cell's nucleus and interfering with its control process.

The results, published in Thursday's New England Journal of Medicine, may extend well beyond wart treatment because the same class of viruses that cause those growths are also responsible for cervical cancer, genital warts, and some types of skin cancer.

Since doctors can cheaply eliminate warts by freezing, the new cream "will probably never be able to compete with existing inexpensive therapies for cutaneous viral warts," said Jan Bouwes Bavinck and Mariet Feltkamp of Leiden University Medical Center.

�I can see the dairy now!

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Wednesday, June 23, 2004

"She-pee" urinals relieve Glastonbury

LONDON - Female revellers at the Glastonbury Festival will be able to enjoy this year's show without straining their bladders -- courtesy of stand-up urinals.

Organisers have installed two sets of the urinals around the main Pyramid stage for the exclusive use of women, complete with "concierge" attendants to ensure a dignified experience.

Key to the arrangement is a special, anatomically shaped funnel to be handed out to each user. "There are plenty of places the men can go and have a pee when they're right in the middle of the festival and not near some of the proper toilets. These are the female equivalent of that," said a spokesman for the festival.

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Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Imposter wife gets man divorced

OSAKA - A man apparently had a woman posing as his wife attend a court session in order to divorce his wife without her consent, sources close to the case said Monday. After realizing that a divorce had been registered, the wife asked the court to retry the case, demanding that the divorce be nullified.

The husband faces charges of false declaration in an official document, according to legal experts. However, an official of the court refused to comment on how to respond to the case. A woman posing as the man's wife attended the first hearing held earlier this month. The woman was carrying an official document on the arbitration sent to the address of his real wife.

The divorce took effect after the man and his "wife" agreed to break up during the court session. However, the man's real wife filed a petition with the court, demanding that their divorce be nullified. "The divorce took effect without my consent," she said in her petition.

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Monday, June 21, 2004

Short Stuff

A Swiss pensioner lost his false teeth in a fight with a prostitute. The woman hit the man, aged 74, in the face and then kicked him. His teeth fell into a toilet and couldn't be recovered.

Thieves who stole a portable public toilet in Belarus - and loaded it on a trailer - unwittingly kidnapped a man who was sitting on it. The man was injured when he jumped off the moving trailer.

British defence force eyebrows have been raised with the news that of 1669 soldiers "medically downgraded" as a result of service in Iraq last year, 83 were women who were sent home pregnant.

British police are hunting for a man who stole a closed-circuit television camera from a Liverpool shop. To help them, they have an extreme close-up shot of the thief in action.

The US Senate has been told that the Pentagon has wasted $US100 million on airline tickets that were never used, and for which refunds were never sought, since 1997.

Young Norwegians can earn a merit badge in sex this summer. The pin, modeled on a popular summer swimming merit badge, is an offer from Swedish-Norwegian sex education group RFSU. The badge, which displays sperm cells swimming in waves, can be won by correctly answering 10 out of 13 questions about sex.

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Friday, June 18, 2004

Brooklyn Cheese Artist Makes Bed of Ham

NEW YORK - An artist best known for decorative cheese has broadened his palette, or palate, to ham. Cosimo Cavallaro, who once repainted a New York hotel room in melted mozzarella, has covered a bed in processed ham. "I feel like I am back in my mother's deli," the artist said Thursday.

His installation in a street-level gallery space of the Roger Smith Hotel in midtown Manhattan involved slicing 312 pounds of ham and tossing the meat on top of a four-poster bed. The installation, which took 3 1/2 hours, will be kept in the air-conditioned room for two days.

According to the artist, no concern about cockroaches has been raised. "They are welcome," he said. "Imagine what this looks like from the point of view of an insect."
He added that his cheese exhibits had never attracted a mouse. "Too much cheese," he said. "It would have overwhelmed them."

Outside, pedestrians stopped to peer in through the glass. Some called the project a waste of food. But nearby delis were said to be picking up business because the mounds of meat seemed to trigger appetites.

Sliced ham, Cavallaro said, is "a pure form of America: all kinds of parts, boiled and pressed together." Despite his training in an Italian art school, he said he had rejected Prosciutto � "It would have been pompous." He also shelved an idea to do ham and eggs as "too pretentious, too thought out."

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Thursday, June 17, 2004

Radar clocks Mini at Mach 3 speed

A Belgian motorist was left stunned after authorities sent him a speeding ticket for travelling in his Mini at three times the speed of sound.

The ticket claimed the man had been caught driving at 3380 kph (2,100 mph) � or Mach 3 speed - in a Brussels suburb. However, police later admitted that a faulty radar had been responsible for the Mini's incredible feat. The police have since apologised to the man and promised to fix the radar.

The incident took place in December, but only came to light when Belgian prosecutors were asked to follow up the unpaid fine. "We called the local police to find out what height the plane caught speeding along the Boulevard Lambermont was flying at," a member of the Brussels public prosecutor's office joked. Police also said they had made a mistake in still sending out the ticket, given that it was impossible - even for a doughty little Mini - for a car to have travelled so fast.

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Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Teen killed by exploding toilet

TSUKUBA, JAPAN - A teen knocked unconscious when a hospital toilet exploded died Wednesday, police said.

The 19-year-old, whose name has not been released, died as a result of the severe burns sustained throughout his body in the Tuesday night blast. He had been unconscious in the agonizing few hours until his death. Police said the victim, an unemployed youth from Mitsukaido, Ibaraki Prefecture, was found lying unconscious next to a bottle containing a liquid believed to have been the cause of the blast. Forensic scientists are currently analyzing the contents of the bottle to determine what it is.

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Monday, June 14, 2004

Car damaged by flying portable toilet

HAMBURG, Germany - A woman's car was badly damaged Wednesday when a portable toilet was whisked into the air in a storm and flung down on the hood of her car, police said.

The accident happened as the woman was driving toward downtown Hamburg, police spokesman Ralf Kunz said. The woman was not hurt, but the toilet caused damage estimated at $6,000.

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Wednesday, June 09, 2004

Harrods apology over Hindu bikinis

London's famous Harrods department store has apologised to its customers for selling controversial underwear bearing images of Hindu goddesses.

Hindu Human Rights said the garments, created by Italian designer Roberto Cavalli, insulted the religion. The store said: "We apologise to those customers who have been offended or distressed by the situation."

The summer range has been on sale for some time but the controversy started on Sunday when an Indian human resources executive, Amitabh Soni, saw mannequins bearing the brightly coloured bikinis. "I was shocked to see them," he told BBC.
"When we see any image of goddesses we bow our heads with respect and here they were displayed in such an insulting way", Mr Soni said.

Last year another department store had to apologise for selling toilet seats with images of a Hindu deity.

So� imagine how low he would have to bow down if you were sitting on the deity toilet seat with the goddess underwear around your ankles!

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Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Police inspector in hot water for clubbing sleepy sergeant

A police inspector faces punishment for hitting a sergeant on the head with a truncheon after finding officers napping at a police box during working hours, it has been learned.

The Metropolitan Police Department is questioning the 54-year-old inspector, whose name has been withheld, over the incident. He has reportedly admitted overstepping his authority."I was offering instructions, but I went too far. I'm sorry," the inspector was quoted as saying.

Investigators said the inspector called on a police box outside Akabane Police Station in Tokyo's Kita-ku shortly before 9 a.m. on Feb. 12. Officers at the police box were supposed to have been working outside that morning, but the inspector found two officers napping.

"When the inspector told them off, a 52-year-old sergeant stood in front of him and attempted to offer an explanation, but the inspector pulled out a 70-centimeter-long truncheon and clubbed the sergeant on the head.

The sergeant was taken to a hospital for examination, but he was not injured in the incident. The inspector was transferred from his position in May. Police said they would punish the inspector after deciding whether to form a case against him.

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Monday, June 07, 2004

Thief ate everything

Norway - Salten county court sentenced the 24-year-old man from Bod� to six months immediate imprisonment for the food theft. In addition, the man was sentenced for seven other thefts, threats, shoplifting and a number of other offences.

The man entered the apartment by climbing up the fire escape and entered an unlock balcony door. He explained in court that he stayed in the apartment for several days and ate all the food he found in the fridge, the freezer and in the kitchen cupboards.

The owner said that when he returned home he found his apartment a mess and there were nothing left to eat.

The court�s judgment stated that the defendant appears to have difficulties concentrating, but the court did not doubt that the defendant was sound of mind.

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Friday, June 04, 2004

Chinese Short Stuff

A conman used his resemblance to former Chinese president and national hero Sun Yat-sen to dupe six men, all aged over 80, out of $41,000. Had he been alive, Sun would be more than 130 years old.

A fly-hating businessman in China has swatted 8 million flies in a 10-year vendetta. Hu Xilin, from Zhejiang province, began killing flies after one landed in a meal as he dined with a client.

An alternative medicine guru in China is being sued by a man who almost died after he was told to eat six raw frogs a day to cure neck pain. He had munched down 130 frogs before collapsing.

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Monday, January 26, 2004

Football fan banned for penis stunt

A Dutch football club has banned one of its fans for posing for a photograph with the local mayor with his penis hanging out.

The mayor, Wim Deetman, did not realise the ADO Den Haag fan was exposing himself when he agreed to have his picture taken with him. It was only later, when the picture was circulated on the internet, that Deetman realised he had been set up.

He is taking legal action against the supporter and is awaiting the judge's verdict, the Nu news website reported. ADO Den Haag has announced that the fan will no longer be welcome at its stadium

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Thursday, January 22, 2004

Fallen woman escapes death after train passes overhead

OSAKA -- A woman miraculously escaped death after she fell off a platform onto the tracks and an express train passed over the top of her.

Police said the 40-year-old woman fell 1 meter from a platform at Rinku Town station on the JR Kansai Airport Line moments before a limited express train rushed pass the station. The driver of the train, which was traveling from Kansai International Airport to Kyoto Station, slammed on the emergency brakes, but was unable to stop in time and passed over the woman.

The woman had fallen between the rails of the track and suffered a scratch on her hand when the train passed overhead, but escaped major injury. Local police officials said the woman had dropped one of her belongings, and when she bent down to pick it up she became nauseated and toppled over onto the tracks.

The width of the tracks was about 1 meter. There was a gap of about 30 centimeters between the ground and the bottom of the train, and the woman had fallen face down on the tracks, police said.

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Tuesday, January 20, 2004

Farmer's paid-for 'bride' a man

A newly-wed "bride" was arrested after the farmer who paid to marry her found she was really a man.

The farmer, from rural eastern China, paid 20,000 yuan ($3355) for his arranged marriage only to have her run away from him six days after their wedding. He found she was a man when he tracked her to a neighbouring town in Fujian province, eastern China.

The bogus bride, who came from Yunnan, was arrested last Friday, the newspaper said.
Arranged marriages are common in parts of rural China where, because of the country's one-child policy, men often greatly outnumber women.

yea, but what was the sex like?

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Monday, January 19, 2004

TV addict to sue cable company

A man in Wisconsin wants to sue a cable television provider for making him addicted to watching TV, a news report said today. Timothy Dumouchel claimed cable TV was also to blame for his wife's gaining more than 20 kilograms and his kids being "lazy channel surfers", according to the The Reporter.

Dumouchel told the paper he would settle the suit for $US5,000 ($6,505) dollars, or three computers and lifetime free internet service. Dumouchel said he tried to cancel his cable service four years ago but the connection remained intact.

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Tuesday, January 06, 2004

Boy gets stuck in supermarket game machine

SHEBOYGAN, Wis. - A 7-year-old boy had to be rescued with the help of a locksmith Saturday after crawling into a supermarket's stuffed animal game machine while his father talked on the telephone.

"He was sitting right in there with the stuffed animals," said Shift Commander Mark Zittel of the Sheboygan Fire Department. He said the boy, whose name was not released because he is a minor, crawled through about an 8-inch-by-10-inch opening to get into the glass enclosure via a chute where the toys come out, but when he tried to get back out his way was blocked.

The stuffed animals are prizes that can be hooked by players with a crane-like device.
"His dad was three feet away at a pay phone," Zittel said. "He was talking on the phone and he said the next thing he turned around and the kid was in the thing." He said the boy stayed calm and didn't panic as firefighters responded to the Piggly Wiggly store and then moved the game machine to the back of the store and got a locksmith to open the main loading door. The process took about an hour. "There was no panic," Zittel said. "We could have broke the glass if there was an emergency."

The boy was not injured or traumatized but desperately had to go to the bathroom, he said. But rescuers hadn't figured out how the boy was able to crawl into the game, or why no one in the store's busy lobby spotted him and stopped him before he got inside.

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Friday, January 02, 2004

New Years Short Bits

A former Miss Venezuela was released by kidnappers after they got her to autograph 15 calendars featuring nude pictures of her. Veruska Ramirez was kidnapped in her car in Valencia for three hours, but was released after the thieves found the calendars in the car.

About 400 Spaniards have snapped up half the tickets for a week's nudist cruise around the Mediterranean on the Flamenco in June. Tickets cost up to $2600. Nudity will be banned in the ship's restaurant, and the crew will have to be dressed at all times.

A middle-aged transvestite has been arrested after he was caught trying to steal a nurse's uniform from a hospital staff changing room, police said. Fumio Suzuki, 47, was arrested for theft after he eluded the first hospital official who spotted him, but was unable to get away from another employee who chased him down in the hospital parking lot, as he was clad in high-heels and a miniskirt.

An Indian taxi driver and his wife have gained fame by driving everywhere in reverse. Harpreet Devi started driving backwards when his car got stuck in reverse and he had to drive 55 kilometres home. He and his wife, Krishna, now drive in reverse at up to 40km/h.

The chief vegetable taster of a British supermarket chain has become a pariah among his colleagues. Tesco's Tony Vaughan says they have insisted he sit near an open window while he is on his current diet of five kilograms of Brussels sprouts a week.

I bet he thinks his job is �a gas�

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Tuesday, December 30, 2003

No drinking in the mourning, say priests

Downing pints of beer and telling blue jokes at funeral services will no longer be tolerated by Roman Catholic priests in Ireland.

In a move aimed at halting the growing trend towards "a la carte" funerals, mourners have been warned against placing photographs and football shirts on coffins. The worst examples of inappropriate behaviour during services that have been cited by priests included the drinking of cans of beer in memory of the deceased during one eulogy, and a display of women's underwear on a coffin on another occasion.

One eulogy was even delivered in the style of a best man's speech, complete with risque jokes. But now the National Centre for Liturgy, which looks after church rituals, has announced moves to curb such irreligious behaviour. Its spokesman, Father Patrick Jones, said the guidelines were intended to promote best practice rather than tell relatives how to grieve.

This year, pop songs were given the boot from weddings in County Kerry, in the south-west of Ireland. Celine Dion's My Heart Will Go On, from the film Titanic, and the song Angels by Robbie Williams had been popular requests.

One word for this �BORING!�

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Gamer wins back virtual booty in court battle

A court in China has ordered an online computer games company to return virtual belongings to a player whose account was hacked and looted.
The Chaoyang District People's Court in Beijing ruled last Thursday that the company must return the player's virtual stash because it had allowed the theft to take place in the first place. Li Hongchen, 24, spent two years and more than 10,000 yuan ($1,210), amassing a cache of virtual money and weapons in the online game "Hongyue", or "Red Moon".

In February, however, Hongchen found his belongings had been pilfered by a hacker who gained access through the game's central servers. The software firm behind the game, Beijing Arctic Ice Technology Development, responded that his possessions had no real world value and represented only "piles of data". Hongchen took the company to court requesting 10,000 yuan in compensation.

"I exchanged the equipment with my labour, time, wisdom and money, and of course they are my belongings," Hongchen told the Chinese news site Xinhuanet.

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Monday, December 29, 2003

Teacher suspended for hanging 'brat' upside-down

YOKOHAMA -- A Kanagawa Prefecture public elementary school teacher has been suspended for one month for holding a boy upside down as he carried him over a pedestrian crossing, education officials said.

The 11-year-old pupil sustained injuries to his neck and ankles, causing him to miss 10 days of school, but his absence was prolonged even further because he developed a fear of the 54-year-old teacher who punished him. "We would like to deeply apologize to prefecture residents," a spokesman for the Kanagawa Prefectural Board of Education said. "We want to thoroughly instruct our educators so that this sort of incident does not occur again."

Board officials said that while on an excursion on Oct. 7, the boy persisted in trying to climb up the side of road signs, constantly ran out onto the road and repeatedly acted in a dangerous manner. The teacher warned the boy about his behavior several times, but the pupil from a public school in Ebina, Kanagawa Prefecture, ignored the teacher and persisted in messing around. Finally, the teacher bent down and grabbed the boy's ankles, flung him upside-down and carried him across a pedestrian crossing. He then slapped the boy to the face several times and dragged him for some distance by the scruff of his neck.

My Hero!

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Friday, December 26, 2003

New Zealander bungee jumps - without rope

A New Zealand man went bungee jumping yesterday - without the rope, police said. The 30-year-old man, whose name was not released, leapt off a platform into the Waikato River on New Zealand's central North Island after staff at the bungee had refused to let him jump, said Constable Tracey Haggart of Taupo police.

He then barged past the staff and dived 47 metres into the river. The impact knocked him unconscious and he was rescued by the bungee jump staff before being flown to nearby Taupo hospital, Haggart said in a statement. His condition was not immediately available. Taupo is a tourist town 375 kilometres north of Wellington. Haggart said police had no plans to charge the man, who had consumed "a small amount of alcohol."

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Wednesday, December 24, 2003

Plug pulled on Santa mail

For South African children there is no Santa Claus this year - and that's official. South Africa's Advertising Standards Authority has banned an advertisement for the country's Post Office that gave children an address to which to write to Santa Claus with their Christmas wishes.

In a ruling this week, the authority said the Post Office has been profiting from the natural credulity of children. It said the advert created the impression in the mind of the credulous child that, by writing to the given address, the child would then receive the requested presents.

The authority banned the advertisement, upholding a complaint that said it encouraged a falsehood that could break the fragile spirits of the country's already disillusioned youth.

...with leaders like that.. it's no wonder their youth are disillusioned!

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