Houston, We Have A Problem

Utah's House of Deniers

Carbon dioxide is "essentially harmless" to human beings and good for plants. So now will you stop worrying about global warming?

Utah's House of Representatives apparently has. Officially the most Republican state in America, its political masters have adopted a resolution condemning "climate alarmists", and disputing any scientific basis for global warming. The measure, which passed by 56-17, has no legal force, though it was predictably claimed by climate change sceptics as a great victory.

The original version of the bill dismissed climate science as a "well organised and ongoing effort to manipulate and incorporate "tricks" related to global temperature data in order to produce a global warming outcome". It accused those seeking action on climate change of riding a "gravy train" and their efforts would "ultimately lock billions of human beings into long-term poverty".

In the heat of the debate, the representative Mike Noel said environmentalists were part of a vast conspiracy to destroy the American way of life and control world population through forced sterilisation and abortion.

By the time the final version of the bill came to a vote, cooler heats apparently prevailed. The bill dropped the word "conspiracy", and described climate science as "questionable" rather than "flawed". It also called on the federal government's Environmental Protection Agency to order an immediate halt in its moves to regulate greenhouse gas emissions "until a full and independent investigation of climate data and global warming science can be substantiated".

Get Ready for the 2010 Elections...

Scumbag Regan

Here, smoke this. It's good for you!



I want your soul you Commie lepper!

Red on Red

2009 Slam/Bam Award - Best Political Commentator, Rachel Maddow

BAM!

MSNBC sent us a goddess... a gay goddess. Rachel Maddow is without a doubt the most refreshing, intelligent, comically sly political commentator on the scene today. Her wry sense of humor makes it easier to understand some of the most underhanded, disgusting, and deceitful political tactics and news stories that come out of our very corrupt Washington establishment. She breaks the stories and calls everyone on it.. with a smile! God I love her!


The 2009 Slam/Bam Award is presented to the Best and Worst of our culture for the year 2009 according to extensive polling of the exceptionally intelligent and thoughtful fans of Sushi Bandit's Blog O' Rama.

2009 Slam/Bam Award - Mitch McConnell, Corporate Whore

SLAM!

Mitch McConnell, Senate minority leader and corporate whore extraordinaire. Many can qualify for this title but only "Mitch the Bitch" has the power to obstruct more legislation in the name of big business than anyone else in the senate. If there was a better reason for term limits than getting rid of this modern day "Tweed" it escapes me. Most of all I feel sorry for everyone in Kentucky who have lost their home, their job, and have no health insurance, cause your boy is fucking you in the ass every day he stays in office.


The 2009 Slam/Bam Award is presented to the Best and Worst of our culture for the year 2009 according to extensive polling of the exceptionally intelligent and thoughtful fans of Sushi Bandit's Blog O' Rama.

Caller asks GOP senator if he prayed hard enough for other senators to die

A caller who reached CSPAN asked a Republican senator if he'd prayed hard enough for Democratic Sen. Robert Byrd (D-WV) to die on Tuesday.

"We got our vigil together and took Sen. Coburn's instructions and prayed real hard that Sen. Byrd would either die or couldn't show up at the vote the other night," the called, dubbed "Abraham" from Georgia remarked. "How hard did you pray, because I see one of our members is missing this morning. Did it backfire on us? Did one of our members die?"

"How hard did you pray?" he adds. "Did you pray hard enough?" He appears to break into tears at the end.

The caller appeared to be referring to Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK), who missed one of the Senate's healthcare votes.

Senator Tom Coburn (R-OK) announced Sunday he was hoping -- even praying -- that one of his Democratic colleagues somehow could not manage to cast a vote on health care in the wee hours of Monday morning. Liberal critics saw the remarks as a thinly veiled aside against 92-year-old Sen. Robert Byrd (D-WV), who had to be wheeled in in a wheelchair to vote. (He did.)

I'm Going To Quit Going To Costco

A Utah Costco took tomatoes off the shelves during a visit by Sarah Palin, after the Alaska Governor was pelted with the fruit on a stop at the Mall of America.

A lady stopped by the Salt Lake City Costco to do some shopping, unaware that Palin was scheduled to be there for a book signing. Unable to find any tomatoes, she was told by a clerk that there were no tomatoes that day.

No tomatoes? At Costco?

As she was leaving, she noticed a man with a store manager's name tag and asked him why they had no tomatoes. He informed her the store did have tomatoes, but they were taken off the shelves while the quitter was there.

It turns out that Palin had been pelted with a tomato at an earlier stop on her book tour and the management at the Costco was determined it wouldn't happen here.

Gee, I hope I don't go to Costco the day Glenn Beck does his book signing. I wont be able to buy a super-sized box of donkey assholes.

P.S. her tongue sure looks crooked!

.

Sarah Palin Shits on Kennewick, Washington

Breaking: Sarah Palin Quits Turkey Trot 5K Race In Kennewick, Washington

Sarah Palin dropped out of a 5k race on Thanksgiving Day in Kennewick, Wash. The former vice presidential candidate and Alaska Governor quit the race because she wanted to avoid the crowds that were waiting for her at the end.

Palin originally announced that she would be running the race on Twitter.

Fuckin Twitter Quitter..

.

Victory Over The Neocons!

MySpace, Twitter, and Facebook are now Fucked

Over the last few years I have grown tired of all the social networking sites. It used to be fun but it has all become so mundane. I really don't need to know that you are getting gas right now, or your new favorite band is ready to release their first CD. Now when a Republican Senator can tweet you to say that they are happy the Olympics were awarded to Rio instead of Chicago.. I gotta leave.

It has had it's run and I'm done.

Fucktard Ronald Regan

trying to figure out what to say....

My Advice to our Republican Friends

Palin Pisses on Loren Leman, Alaska Family Council, and Pregnant Teens

Meg Stapleton, spokeswoman for an increasingly fragile and erratic unemployed publicity hound, had to once again explain at the very last minute how Sarah Palin would not be headlining an event that the event organizers thought she would be headlining.

This time it�s an event promoting an Alaska ballot measure aimed at making it illegal for teens to get an abortion without telling their parents. The Alaska Family Council has been advertising that Palin would give a speech and become the first official signer of the ballot petition tonight at ChangePoint, the Anchorage megachurch.

Meg Stapleton said Wednesday, in response about tonight�s event, that �this is the first we have ever heard of a speech.� She said Palin is out of state and won�t be there.

Anchorage homes received automated calls this week from former Lt. Gov. Loren Leman, saying, "I'm calling to ask you to meet with Gov. Sarah Palin and me this Thursday for an event to protect young girls facing abortion decisions."

I guess she is too busy writing her new book "How to take out Obama's Nazi-Socialist Death Panels from a Helicopter"

The Wingnuts are at it Again!

what is a "Pubic Option"?

U.S. Worker Productivity hits 6 Year High!

Probably because everyone�s scared to death of losing their jobs!

Republican Reaction to Palin's Resignation

Cheating SC Gov says God will "Make Him Better"

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, still clinging to office after admitting to an extramarital affair, wrote in an opinion piece released Sunday that God will change him so he can emerge from the scandal a more humble and effective leader.

So God will change him? Into what??

A bigger dick then he already is?
A better lier so he wont get caught again?
A circus clown so no one will recognize him in SC? (wait, that doesn't work anymore)
A heap of gelatinous goo?

I vote for Goo!

New FEMA Logo

They are such clowns!

Bye Bye Bitch

Sarah "I'm not a quitter" Palin resigns 1 1/2 years before her term ends. She claims that she has become "Blood Sport" for the press. Well Sarah, maybe you now know how it feels to be a moose or bear killed from a helicopter, Bitch!

Stewart Smalley to Save Senate!

Yes, Stewart Smalley, aka Al Franken, was finally elected to the U.S. Senate! After a feeble and degrading challenge to his election by "I'm not really a Jew" Norm Coleman, Stewart can now set his sights on Capital Hill. His first order of business will be to meet with each senator privately to discuss their lack of self esteem. "The first law I would like to pass is entitled "The Bi-Partisan Group Hug Act" which will require all in congress to hug each other before and after each session. Belive me, they all need a hug and after this election, I do too!

Lame-ass Indiana Congressman Proposes Plexi-glass Cage for Public Visitors

In an effort to continue the fear mongering started during the Bush administration, Indiana republican congressman Dan Burton today proposed enclosing the Capitol gallery in Plexiglas to protect members of Congress from a terrorist attack.

�What this bill does is it would authorize a study to look at enclosing the chamber, the gallery chamber, with Plexiglas so that somebody can�t throw a bomb down on the floor and kill a lot of us,� Burton told the Rules Committee Thursday. To the shock of on-looking congressmembers, Burton described how a terrorist could kill the lot of them. Someone could kill �half the Members of Congress right now,� he said.

�You could take a detonating device that looks like a watch so you could get through the metal detector,� Burton explained. �And when everybody was on the floor, as many as you wanted, you could put that into the plastic explosive, toss it out on the floor, and there is no way you would lose half of us if we were on the floor, at least, or more. I don�t know how much damage it would do.�

It has now become obvious to those with half a brain that congressman Burton has shit for brains.

Are Bush Appointees Sabotaging Obama�s Recovery Plan?

Something is becoming more and more apparent to me. The implementation of the stimulus plan is being disabled by former president Bush appointees still within the federal bureaucracy. They are doing it with a prodigious amount of red tape and delay tactics to keep these much needed funds out of the economy.

This effort has one goal, to discredit Obama�s stimulus program by forcing local economies into a sharper decline. Unless this stonewalling by Bush appointees is stopped, our economy will just get worse. We have to remove ALL Bush appointees and their second-level cronies from office NOW.

Norm Coleman is a GOP Clown

originally uploaded by Hebiclens / WMxdesign.

John McCain is a Dick

GOP lawmaker says Asians should simplify their names

Rep. Betty Brown, a Republican Texas state legislator said in House testimony about ballot accessibility that Asian Americans should change their names to ones that are �easier for Americans to deal with.�

�Rather than everyone here having to learn Chinese � I understand it�s a rather difficult language � do you think that it would behoove you and your citizens to adopt a name that we could deal with more readily here?� Brown remarked.

What? "Your citizens"?? Betty, Your an Insensitive Exclusionary Racist Bitch!

Recovering Republican

My name is Fred and I'm a recovering Republican...

Eight go from White House to the Big House

Do you know how many former Bush administration officials have been sentenced with jail time? The answer is eight! here is the list (so far):

Felipe Sixto, special assistant to President Bush for intergovernmental affairs. He pled guilty to embezzling $600,000 from the Center for a Free Cuba, a government-funded program and received a 30-month prison sentence.

Scooter Libby, former Vice President Dick Cheney's chief-of-staff. He was sentenced to 30 months for his role in the leaking and coverup of CIA agent Valerie Plame's identity to the press. President Bush quickly commuted the sentence. How nice of him!

Brian Doyle, Deputy Press Secretary at the Department of Homeland Security, was sentenced to five years in jail for attempting to use a computer to seduce a child.

Dusty Fago, Executive director of the CIA, received a three year prison sentence on corruption charges.

David Safavian, General Services Administration Chief-of-Staff and head procurement official went to prison for 18 months on charges related to the Jack Abramoff lobbyist scandal.

Italia Federici, political aide to Secretary of the Interior, Gail Norton, received a two month sentence in a halfway house for obstructing the Senate investigation into Abramoff and for tax evasion.

Steven Griles, who was the number two official at the Interior Department, also received 10 months in jail for his part in the Abramoff scandal.

Bob Stein, the Comptroller of the Coalition Provisional Authority in Iraq, received the longest sentence of any Bush official (as of yet) - 9 years in prison for money laundering, conspiracy and bribery.

This is not counting all the other convictions that didn�t result in jail time and all the other investigations.

Old Republican Asshole Apologizes For Happily Predicting Ruth Bader Ginsburg Will Die Soon

Kentucky! One of the comical idiot Republican senators of the �Bluegrass State� is a stupid old prick who once played baseball in, who knows, the pre-Civil War era?

But America�s worst, dumbest senator, Jim Bunning, who barely kept his seat in 2004 � the year George W. Bush Jr. actually won the presidential election. Anyway Bunning, 77, said Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg is about to DIE, because she is two years younger than he is, and she was successfully treated for early-stage pancreatic cancer and was back to work at SCOTUS today.

Bunning finally apologized, just now. What a dick.

Republicans Dont Count Anymore

think about it.. The Republicans up on the hill are moaning that their wonderful ideas on how to stop America from falling into a great economic abyss, are falling on deaf ears.

Lets get this straight. After they led us over the cliff we should stop and listen to them while we fall to our deaths?

Our biggest mistake was trying to play fair and be inclusive. All they ever did was try to shame us "liberals" into submission. Well that is done. Time for all Republicans to sit down and shut the fuck up. We ain't going to listen to your "wonderful" ideas any more.



Take That!

America Gets Its First Black Attorney General!

Hooray for progress!

The Senate Judiciary Committee just approved Eric Holder for the Attorney General spot, by 17-2, which means the full Senate will now happily okay his nomination and America will have its first-ever African-American head of the Justice Department.

There is a certain justice to this development, MMMHMMM? Anyway let�s hope Holder is a little bit better than the first Mexican attorney general, Pancho Via.

Come-on, tell us what you really think of George Bush!

BREAKING: Bush Declares a State of Emergency

This just in: George Bush has just announced a State of National Emergency and has appointed himself Emperor of A'merica.

This action is due to the failure of the war on terror, faith based initiatives, and no child left behind. Standing along with our new exalted leader during the announcement were Cheney, Gonzalez, Chertoff, Bolton, Rice, Card, Palin, Rumsfeld, Fleischer, McClellan, Snow, Rove, Roberts, Miers, Ridge, Ashcroft, Paulson, and DeLay.

Emperor Bush has declared martial law and directed the joint chiefs of staff to initiate operation �drop your pants� where all Americans will get an identity chip imbedded up their ass. All who refuse will be shot on the spot. Also, by decree the inauguration of that �Boy from Hawaii� is canceled just like all the election results, nation-wide.

When asked by a reporter how this can be legal he responded �Cause I�m the decider. Now drop your pants!�

P.S. it could happen, he still has one more day!

The Gluttony of America

Sarah Palin Advises Blagojevich to Sell Obama�s Senate Seat on eBay

�Now, you put a senate seat up for auction, together with a private jet, and you can really make enough dough to keep one in designer clothes.�

Women of Sorry Everybody

This video celebrates some of the beautiful women of the Progressive movement. These pictures were gleaned from the website "www.SorryEverybody.com". Enjoy and LEARN!

Photo of the Day

Pentagon denies troops sent to Iraq without sufficient supplies

Donald Rumsfeld categorically denied reports that the Defense Department continues to send troops into Iraq without sufficient supplies. Commenting on the status of the newly armored assault vehicles he assured the press that every effort has been made to equip our mobile infantry with the latest technology, adding that he did not know of any units that were not 100% battle ready.

Highly Effective Anti-terrorist System Deployed for Airlines

Frustrated by the lack of effective deterrents to thwart possible terrorists attacks to airlines the DHS has initiated a new system that was designed by a special team at the White House.

It was designed to seal off access to the pilots cockpit from any terrorists who are wanting to take control.

In a recent press conference the president stated "This is a new tool to stop any evil doer that gets on board your flight. I personally directed its design with my new anti-terrorist team. I even choose the color yellow, cause those Islamic Nazi�s hate yellow, cause their yellow evil doers!"

When asked about design problems, and specifically the fact that no one can exit the plane after deployment, he responded. �You just don�t get it, they are EVIL and want to take you freedoms away, they are jealous that we live in a free, god fearing country, We are at WAR and we wont stop until these evil doers give up.�

Has Outsourcing Gone Too Far??

Customers leave after visiting 'Hitler's Cross' a restaurant at Kharghar, New Bombay, India. Hitler's Cross, a four-day old restaurant has riled some in India's financial capital, but its owner has no plans to make amends.

"Dont Spy On Me" Battle Flag

South Dakota Outlaws �Woman Thinking�

North Dakota, embarrassed by association, changes name to "West Minnesota"

Gov. Rounds attempts to sign the legislation without actually looking at it.

PIERRE, SD - Governor Mike Rounds (R) signed legislation Monday that bans all women who are residents of South Dakota from thinking.

The legislation is designed to help relieve women of the burden of being able to think for themselves except in cases where the woman may need to think in order to save her life such as in the event of a terrorist attack or figuring out what her husband wants for dinner.

Several women�s organizations in South Dakota have pledged to band together and challenge the new law. Rounds issued a statement saying he expects the law to be tied up in the courts for the next several years by �damn feminazis� but believes in time the law will be upheld.

�In the history of the world, the true test of a civilization is how well it oppresses and subjugates its women. The sponsors of this bill believe that allowing women to think is wrong because thinking leads to uppity-ness. I agree with them.�

More articles on South Dakota can be found at: http://sushibandit.blogspot.com/2006/04/new-south-dakota-quarter-issued.html

Party like it's 2006!

Dancing at the Bush Admin. Impeachment Party!

Stephan Colbert is my HERO

This is a photo of a REAL AMERICAN HERO

This is a photo of gEORGE bUSH the ANTI-CHRIST in the presence of Stephan Colbert, a REAL AMERICAN HERO

The New South Dakota Quarter Issued

"Ass" made it on the Bush List

I LOVE this poll by Pew Research - One word description for Bush



"The single word most frequently associated with George W. Bush today is "incompetent,"and close behind are two other increasingly mentioned descriptors: "idiot" and "liar." All three are mentioned far more often today than a year ago."

Wanna Vote?

Click on the graphic to make it bigger!

A new element discovered

A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Bushcronium."

Bushcronium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311. These 311 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Bushcronium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Bushcronium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Bushcronium has a normal half-life of multiples of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Bushcronium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Bushcronium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."

When catalyzed with money, Bushcronium activates Foxnewsium, an element which radiates orders of magnitude, more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. Also, Bushcronium can spontaneously transmute into Pandemonium.

Democratic Senators on my SHIT LIST

Below is a list of all the Democratic Senators who vote for Cloiture (ending debate and killing any fillibuster) on the Alito Supreme Court nonimation.

These Dinos will forever have my rath.

Akaka (D-HI), Baucus (D-MT), Bingaman (D-NM), Byrd (D-WV), Cantwell (D-WA), Carper (D-DE), Conrad (D-ND), Dorgan (D-ND), Inouye (D-HI), Johnson (D-SD), Kohl (D-WI), Landrieu (D-LA), Lieberman (D-CT), Lincoln (D-AR), Nelson (D-FL), Nelson (D-NE), Pryor (D-AR), Rockefeller (D-WV), Salazar (D-CO)

Bush Poster of the Week

Mexico issues stamp honoring CAFTA

Mexico issues stamp honoring NAFTA

The "Babes of Sorry Everybody" revisited

After Kerry lost to shithead Dubya a website called "Sorry Everybody" hit the web. I made this video back in January for all those progressive males and lesbians who appreciate a good political message delivered by an obvious "babe"

Top Ten Punchlines To Dirty Election Jokes

10. "With a poll like that, I'm suprised he can gallup at all."
9. "She starts chanting, 'four more minutes! four more minutes!'"
8. "That's not the voting lever, but don't stop pulling."
7. "This isn't how it looks--I'm just joining a third party."
6. I prefer Bush, but I don't know who I'll vote for."
5. "So that's where Katherine Harris was hiding the Al Gore votes."
4. "Unfortunately, his margin of error was plus or minus three inches."
3. "Get used to it, honey--we live in a swing state."
2. "I thought you had trouble maintaining an election."
1. "I saw your sister with Mary Cheney--there was no sign of Dick."

The Mosh Continues

http://www.gnn.tv/videos/video.php?id=28

If you didnt see Eminem's "Mosh" before the election, you gotta see it now. And for thoose who know what "Mosh" is all about.. there is new ending! So ya gotta see it AGAIN!

Peace

Sorry Everybody

This is a website with thousands of photos (yes, thats right 1000's) of people who did their part to not re-elect Shrub. check out this link... http://www.sorryeverybody.com/

From their site...
"Some of us � hopefully most of us � are trying to understand and appreciate the effect our recent election will have on you, the citizens of the rest of the world. As our so-called leaders redouble their efforts to screw you over, please remember that some of us � hopefully most of us � are truly, truly sorry. And we'll say we're sorry, even on the behalf of the ones who aren't."

Nation's Poor Win Election For Nation's Rich

WASHINGTON, DC�The economically disadvantaged segment of the U.S. population provided the decisive factor in another presidential election last Tuesday, handing control of the government to the rich and powerful once again.

"The Republican party�the party of industrial mega-capitalists, corporate financiers, power brokers, and the moneyed elite�would like to thank the undereducated rural poor, the struggling blue-collar workers in Middle America, and the God-fearing underpriviledged minorities who voted George W. Bush back into office," Karl Rove, senior advisor to Bush, told reporters at a press conference Monday. "You have selflessly sacrificed your well-being and voted against your own economic interest. For this, we humbly thank you."

"My family's been suffering ever since I lost my job at the screen-door factory, and I haven't seen a doctor for well on four years now," said father of four Buddy Kaldrin of Eerie, CO. "Shit, I don't even remember what a dentist's chair looks like... Basically, I'd give up if it weren't for God's grace. So it's good to know we have a president who cares about religion, too."

Kaldrin added: "That's why I always vote straight-ticket Republican, just like my daddy did, before he lost the farm and shot himself in the head, and just like his daddy did, before he died of black-lung disease in the company coal mines."

"Our society is falling apart�our treasured values are under attack by terrorists," said Ellen Blaine of Givens, OH, a tiny rural farming community as likely to be attacked by terrorists as it is to be hit by a meteor. "We need someone with old-time morals in the White House. I may not have much of anything in this world, but at least I have my family."

"John Kerry is a flip-flopper," she continued. "I saw it on TV. Who knows what terrible things might've happened to my sons overseas if he'd been put in charge?"

"The alliance between the tiny fraction at the top of the pyramid and the teeming masses of mouth-breathers at its enormous base has never been stronger," a triumphant Bush said. "We have an understanding, them and us. They help us stay rich, and in return, we help them stay poor. See? No matter what naysayers may think, the system works."

My thoughts on the Bush re-election

Shrapnel inside Kerry's body responds to veterans flap

Artillery fragments address comments made by Bob Dole regarding Purple Heart awards

Washington � Fragments from an exploded artillery shell which have resided inside John Kerry's buttocks for over thirty years held a rare press-conference today to respond to allegations that Kerry did not deserve Purple Heart awards during his service in Vietnam.

"I may be nothing more than small pieces of metal embedded in a man's ass, but I was there, man," said the shrapnel. "I remember like it was yesterday: It was dark, there was a loud bang, and then I'm in this guy's butt. I've been with him ever since."

The shrapnel inside Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry's body was previously known to exist, but today's announcement was the first public statement by the shattered metal.

"I can't speak to if any of the Swift Boat Vets for Truth were actually there are not there, 'cause I was busy flying directly into this guy's body at a high rate of speed," said the shrapnel. "But I do know that Bob Dole is full of it. Damn right I made my target bleed. What do I look like, the Easter Bunny?"

Former Sen. Bob Dole, a decorated World War II veteran, lashed out at Kerry's service in Vietnam this week, declaring that the Democrat's wounds did not bleed enough to merit three Purple Hearts.

"I just want to set the record straight. I'm sick of the smear against my reputation. That's all," said the shrapnel.

Bush Posts Classified Ad For 90,000 Troops

WASHINGTON, DC�In an effort to relieve the burden on his overextended armed forces in Iraq, President Bush placed a four-line classified ad in the Monday edition of 75 U.S. newspapers. "WANTED: motivated, dedicated, obedient people looking for career in growing field of nation liberation," the ad read. "90,000 jobs avail. F/T days, nights, weekends. No exp. necessary. Will train. Arabic a plus. Starter pay, solid benefits." To further boost military enlistment rates, Bush plans to post the job offer at un-employment offices in 300 cities across the country.

NEWS FLASH: Cheney Enters Presidential Race Himself

WASHINGTON, DC�As President Bush's public-approval ratings hit an all-time low, Vice-President Dick Cheney announced Monday that he has been "forced" to throw his hat into the ring for the 2004 presidential race.

"Enough is enough,'" the visibly annoyed Cheney said at a morning press conference. "George blew the whole Iraqi prison-abuse speech, and he barely did better with his Nicholas Berg reaction. Now he's below 50 percent in the polls. I'm sorry, but I can't allow him to drag me down with him in November."

"Do I have to do everything around here?" Cheney asked, pausing to gesture angrily around the White House. "I guess I do."

"I was perfectly happy letting George take the spotlight," Cheney said. "If things didn't look so grim, I would've continued to direct the re-election campaign from the wings. But I could see that it was time to get out�now, before the first debate."
The announcement of Cheney's bid for the presidency came as a major surprise, even to political insiders.

"It seems sudden, but it's not," he said. "I've been mulling this over ever since the last State Of The Union address, to be honest. I decided to go through with it last night, when I stopped by the president's office to discuss a speech I'd dropped off earlier that day and caught him sitting on the couch, watching Fox News and eating Fritos. He hadn't even picked the damn thing up. I exploded. I said, 'That's it. Next year, I'm running this country myself.'"

Some have called Cheney the most active vice-president in the history of the executive branch. Cheney characterized this view of his term as the "understatement of the year."

"Every damn thing he did right since 2000 I told him to do," Cheney said. "You think Afghanistan was his idea? The tax cuts? The Medicare bill? No, no, and no. But all my years of hard work go right down the drain when he stands up in front of everyone and mispronounces [Italian prime minister] Silvio Berlusconi's name."

"Let me tell you this: It'd be a lot easier just to give a speech myself and do it right, rather than spending six hours trying to explain everything to the president�only to have him botch it anyway," Cheney said. "That 'I don't know what you're saying and I don't care' look in his eyes when I start talking policy drives me absolutely bonkers. And he wonders why the reporters are so hard on him."

"Cheney's definitely got the chops for the job," House Speaker Dennis Hastert said. "Frankly, he's been very patient with the president. He's given him every chance to get his act together, but you can't keep your money on a losing horse."

When pressed to name a possible running mate, Cheney was somewhat reserved. "I don't want to tip my hand," Cheney said. "But right now I'm taking a good long look at the governor of Florida. He seems like he'd be a little easier to handle."

House Inappropriations Committee Suggests Nation's Women Dress A Little Sexier

WASHINGTON, DC�In a policy initiative released Monday, the chairman of the House Inappropriations Committee suggested that the women of America start to dress a little more provocatively.

"Why don't they wear some shorter skirts?" U.S. Rep. Bill Young (R-FL) said. "They've got nice legs. They should show 'em off." Young said he could offer American females even more suggestions if Congress would underwrite a fact-finding tour to Miami Beach.

Media Numbnuts

Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity finally snapped last week (in unison, predictably) and declared that the pictures of prisoner abuse in Iraq - which even Karl Rove concedes have set the Arab world's view of the US back "decades" - were nothing more than a little light-hearted fun.

Said Limbaugh, "This is no different than what happens at the Skull and Bones initiation, and we're going to ruin people's lives over it... These were just boys and girls blowing off steam during a stressful situation. Let's not make an international incident out of it, for crying out loud." A guest on Hannity and Colmes said that the pictures were no worse than a frat hazing. "So in other words, this is not a big deal?" replied Sean. (Hannity had already compared the prisoner abuse to frat hazing on his radio show earlier in the week.)

Now, I don't know if it's escaped Rush and Sean's attention, but generally speaking frat members don't go around pulling random people off the street and hazing them against their will. Come to that, how can these two giants of morality look at the pictures and even try to make excuses? I wonder... if Iraqi soldiers took Sean and Rush away from their families, put them in a jail cell, stripped them naked, put hoods over their heads, forced to simulate oral sex on their fellow inmates, put a leash around their necks and dragged them around on all fours, piled them up in a heap of other naked inmates, and beat the shit out of them - would they still consider it to be "not a big deal?"

Peace Talks Just An Excuse To Visit Scenic Mideast

WASHINGTON, DC�White House officials announced Monday that representatives from the U.S. will join those from Sweden, Russia, and the U.N. in the Mideast next week to sight-see, sunbathe, and mediate peace talks between Palestine and Israel.

Bush To Iraqi Militants: 'Please Stop Bringing It On'

WASHINGTON, DC�In an internationally televised statement Monday, President Bush modified a July 2003 challenge to Iraqi militants attacking U.S. forces. "Terrorists, Saddam loyalists, and anti-American insurgents: Please stop bringing it on now," Bush said at a Monday press conference.

"Nine months and 500 U.S. casualties ago, I may have invited y'all to bring it on, but as of today, I formally rescind that statement. I would officially like for you to step back." The president added that the "it" Iraqis should stop bringing includes gunfire, bombings, grenade attacks, and suicide missions of all types.

Football fan banned for penis stunt

A Dutch football club has banned one of its fans for posing for a photograph with the local mayor with his penis hanging out.

The mayor, Wim Deetman, did not realise the ADO Den Haag fan was exposing himself when he agreed to have his picture taken with him. It was only later, when the picture was circulated on the internet, that Deetman realised he had been set up.

He is taking legal action against the supporter and is awaiting the judge's verdict, the Nu news website reported. ADO Den Haag has announced that the fan will no longer be welcome at its stadium

Labor Secretary Has Her Hours Cut

WASHINGTON, DC�Deeming the move "regrettable but necessary," White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card announced Monday that Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao's work hours will be scaled back to 30 per week starting Jan. 26.

"It's merely a cost-cutting measure and says absolutely nothing about Elaine, who's done wonderful work for the Bush Administration since she came on board in 2001," Card said. "Once the economy turns around, the first thing we'll do is return Elaine to her original hours. That's a promise."

Chao's hours will be limited to six per day during a regular Monday-to-Friday workweek, her salary will be cut by 25 percent, and she'll lose the privileges of working flextime hours and earning time-and-a-half pay on weekends and holidays. In addition, Chao's relegation to part-time status means she'll no longer be eligible for health-insurance coverage, matching 401K contributions, or parking validation.

Chao expressed dismay over the decision during a cigarette break in the parking lot of the Labor Department's Frances Perkins Building. "I sorta knew what was up when President Bush called me into the Oval Office, and "Chief Brownnose" was standing there beside him with this bogus sad look on his face," said Chao, referring to Card by the derogatory nickname reportedly used by the members of the White House staff. "The president said he was real sorry, but he either had to cut my hours or let me go. What could I do? I need the job."

"Tables and graphs mapping the worsening situation of the average American worker crossed my desk all the time, but I never thought any of that stuff would affect me," Chao said. "I don't see [Treasury Secretary John] Snow fearing for his job. Then again, he's in charge of the money. The bigwigs see 'labor' in my job title, and they think, 'Hey, we can push her around.'" Continued Chao, "If I were [Health and Human Services Secretary] Tommy Thompson, I'd start looking through the classifieds."

Top Ten Reasons George W. Bush Wants To Put A Man On Mars

10. Dick Cheney needs a new undisclosed location
9. It's part of his "No Planet Left Behind" initiative
8. Great deal on the off-season airfare right now at Expedia.com
7. Maybe we'll find some weapons of mass destruction there
6. We've run out of places on Earth to drill for oil
5. Hoping to get Mork's autograph
4. We cannot back down until the people of Mars hold free elections
3. Dude, free Mars bars
2. Why not? It's not like we have an enormous debt or failing economy
1. Pete Rose bet him we wouldn't do it

Dean Delighted To Be In Chair Factory

LAUREL, DE�During a campaign stop Monday, Democratic presidential candidate and Vermont Gov. Howard Dean expressed great pleasure to be at a chair factory. "I can't tell you how thrilled I am to be with the fine men and women of the Laurel Chair Works on this beautiful day," Dean told the crowd of 200 employees, donning a Laurel Chair Works baseball hat given to him by factory owner Darrell Widcock. "Just as you have done for so many satisfied customers throughout Delaware, it is my hope that you can provide me with a 'seat' in the White House."

Earlier in the day, Dean was overjoyed to be at an elementary school, a mall, a senior-citizen community center, a road-side rest stop, and an Episcopalian Church.

Bush Won't Put Down New Football

WASHINGTON, DC�According to White House sources, President Bush has not allowed his new Wilson official NFL leather game football to leave his sight since he received it as a gift last week. "The president has that ball with him everywhere he goes," Vice-President Dick Cheney said Monday. "The way he pump-fakes it in the Oval Office is really distracting." Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has threatened to take the ball away and lock it in his desk if he sees it at the table during another goddamned cabinet meeting.

Senate Votes 64-36, for Not Sure On What

WASHINGTON, DC�The U.S. Senate voted 64-36 in favor of S. 546 Monday, despite the lack of any awareness of the bill's contents. "Wait a minute�S. 546?" asked Sen. Kent Conrad (R-ND), hurriedly shuffling through a stack of papers after hearing of the bill's passage. "I tend to just vote with Maria Cantwell [(R-WA)], but apparently, she just voted with Thomas Carper [(R-DE)]. Does anybody know what's in S. 546?! Oh, geez." Conrad said he isn't certain, but that he might remember someone mentioning something about the Big Bend Pine Nursery Land Conveyance Act.

President proud of new economic numbers

Columbus, Ohio � President Bush bragged about newly released GDP numbers today while hinting that he's pretty sure that good things are in store for the economy. "The figures handed to me by some unknown element in my administration are probably good news. Uh, something about 7.2% of something. Not sure if that's up or down, but it's a nice little number either way," said the President. "It's good? Oh, okay, trust us, it's good. We rule!"

My name is Wes Crusher and I am seeking the presidency

With these words, retired Ensign Wesley Crusher began his address to supporters on Deep Space 10, officially entering the race for the Democratic nomination for President of the United States. Wesley is the 10th and youngest candidate running for the Democratic nomination.

Ensign Crusher is the perfect candidate for 2004. Serving for years with his mother on the U.S.S. Enterprise, this Starfleet cadet has what it takes to defeat Bush. If he ran, Crusher would be the only candidate to have interstellar combat experience.

Crusher can get people and aliens of all colors and races together, even those who have never voted before. Join www.DraftWesleyCrusher.com in supporting Ensign Crusher's bid for President in 2004.

All you ever do is Talk Talk!

The Mayor of Guayaquil, Ecuador's biggest city, has hired a parrot to speak on his behalf when he is asked "undesirable questions". Jaime Nebot presented the bird to journalists, saying: "Some people only approach me with nonsense talk, so here is my answer."

Talk to the bird, cause i'm not listening!

Bush Disappointed To Learn Chinese Foreign Minister Doesn't Know Karate

WASHINGTON, DC�While he still plans to meet with Chinese Foreign Minister Li Zhaoxing, President Bush was disappointed to learn that the dignitary does not know karate, White House adviser Karl Rove told reporters Tuesday. "I told George that karate is an ancient martial art of Japan, not China," Rove said. "I told him that in China, many practice kung fu�but I recommended that he stick to the more vital issue of relations with Taiwan and North Korea." In spite of Rove's suggestion, Bush plans to ask Zhaoxing to "do some of that Jackie Chan action."

Arnold-topia

"In his apology, Arnold Schwarzenegger said he was sorry to the women that he groped, and he admitted that he had acted badly. Not only that, Arnold then apologized for acting badly in all of his movies." �Conan O'Brien

"Arnold said this is a last minute attack by Democrats. How did Arnold know to grope only Democrats?" �Jay Leno

"Over ten thousand people have signed a petition to recall Governor Schwarzenegger. I'm sorry, that is next year's joke." �Craig Kilborn

"Today Arnold Schwarzenegger made another major announcement. He said his lieutenant governor will be Xena, Warrior Princess." �Jay Leno

"Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language." �Conan O'Brien

California recall debate features all 135 candidates

Sacramento � The first debate of California�s recall election gave voters the chance to get to know each of the candidates on a personal level, and understand the intricacies of their positions on a variety of complicated platforms.

Due to time constraints by the major television networks who agreed to air the debate nationally, each candidate had only six seconds to respond to questions posed by the moderators. That didn�t stop the finest political minds in the state from making a deep impact in their quest for the governorship of California.

�It�s, ah, my belief that�� started Hustler publisher Larry Flynt, before being cut short by the time buzzer. �I�m sorry, sir, your time is up,� said moderator Jim Lehrer. �Next down the line, please! Quickly!� The monotony of the evening was broken up as adult actress Mary Carey performed a lap dance for Lehrer.

A scuffle was reported outside the debate as former presidential candidate Ralph Nader was turned away from being allowed to participate.

U.S. Invades Non-Oil-Rich Nation To Dispel Criticism

LUXEMBOURG�In an effort to quiet criticism of U.S. military policy, 50,000 U.S. troops invaded and soundly defeated the non-oil-rich Grand Duchy of Luxembourg Monday. "Once again, the U.S. claims victory over a rogue nation," said President Bush after the 45-minute war. "The people of Luxembourg, although prosperous and living in peace, have suffered under the tyranny of a monarchy for centuries. And allow me to point out that Luxembourg has not one drop of crude oil." Troops will return home Friday, following the public hanging of Grand Duke Henri de Luxembourg.

Supreme Court Gets Free Box Of Shoes After Mentioning Nike In Ruling

WASHINGTON, DC�The nine justices of the U.S. Supreme Court were treated to a free crate of athletic shoes Monday, following an offhand mention of Nike during a ruling in the case of McBrayer & Company v. The City Of Detroit.

"All I did was say that the claims made by the defendant were similar to those made by Nike when defending labor conditions in its Asian footwear factories," Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said. "Next thing you know, we get this big box of red Air Zoom Spiridons in the mail. Inside the box was a form letter from Nike's publicist. Sweet!"

The Supreme Court will begin its new session Oct. 6, with Case 03-130: Sony High-Definition Widescreen Televisions v. Fossil Sterling Silver Multifunction Watches v. Bombay Sapphire Gin.

Revised Patriot Act Will Make It Illegal To Read Patriot Act

WASHINGTON, DC�President Bush spoke out Monday in support of a revised version of the 2001 USA Patriot Act that would make it illegal to read the USA Patriot Act. "Under current federal law, there are unreasonable obstacles to investigating and prosecuting acts of terrorism, including the public's access to information about how the federal police will investigate and prosecute acts of terrorism," Bush said at a press conference Monday. "For the sake of the American people, I call on Congress to pass this important law prohibiting access to itself." Bush also proposed extending the rights of states to impose the death penalty "in the wake of Sept. 11 and stuff."

Punch cards keep punch lines alive

In a ruling that was hailed by comedians across the land, a panel of judges has decided that California's recall-o-rama is so entertaining that it should be extended for five more months.

The federal appeals court said the state's punch-card voting machines are too antiquated and unreliable to be used. In a related ruling, the judges also threw out the results of every election since 1964, when the machines were introduced.

"Every officeholder voted in by using punch-card ballot machines will have to run again," the judges said. "The only downside is that we can't recall ourselves as well." According to other sources, the court's decision to delay the Oct. 7 recall vote relied on a heretofore unknown section of the 14th Amendment that reads: "No state shall ... use punch-card ballots ... in any specially called election against a Democrat incumbent. Nothing in this section shall preclude such state from using punch-card ballots to reelect said Democrat in a regularly scheduled election."

But the ruling was good news for late-night comics, who were worried their recall joke goldmine would run out three weeks from now. As an added comedy bonus, Jesse Jackson said he would come to California today to campaign against the recall � at least until he has time to become a resident and run for governor himself.

French government's continued belief in "global warming" under fire for heat wave deaths

PARIS � Controversy over France�s stubborn belief in the existence of �global warming� grew today as a high-ranking deputy admitted that excessive heat and the deaths caused by it could have been avoided if the French government didn�t cling to �unscientific hoaxes regarding the weather.�

Christian Estrosi of the ruling UMP party blamed the heat wave crisis on �phony experts around the world who promote �global warming�� on Friday. �It�s not our citizens� fault that the unproven idea of �global warming� is being forced on them by so-called scientists,� Estrosi said after the French health ministry reported that up to 3,000 have died in recent weeks in France as a result of the heat.

U.S. officials at the Environmental Protection Agency sided with Estrosi�s position, and claimed that �the reason you don�t see these kind of heat-related emergencies in the U.S. is due to our official position that �global warming� needs more research.� Prime Minister Jean-Pierre Raffarin has come under increased criticism for failure to act quickly to deal with the catastrophe. Critics have charged that he should have renounced �global warming� once it was clear that France was engulfed in a crisis.

Top Ten Arnold Schwarzenegger Debate Conditions


10. Questions may be answered in English, German, or a combination of both

9. Long breaks to allow screenwriters to craft candidates' responses

8. Debate ends when gasoline truck plows through wall and Arnold gets everyone out just before the whole place blows up

7. Candidates may use their time to show 90-second clip from "Terminator"

6. No tricky words like "budget" or "Sacramento"

5. Attire -- bathing suit and baby oil

4. Candidate receives standard 30-million dollar fee, plus 10 percent of box office gross

3. Moderator -- Lou Ferrigno

2. No questions that can't be answered "I'll be back"

1. Arnold must win

Bush calls in sick, tries to extend vacation at Texas ranch

Crawford, Texas � President Bush, who was originally expected to return to a full schedule at the White House this weekend, has called in sick in an effort to enjoy a few more hours of vacation at his ranch in Texas.

�It�s fine, there�s no work really waiting for me in the Oval Office,� the President said. �A few things to sign are waiting on my desk, but no major fires to put out, according to my secretary. I�m sure the American people won�t mind if they go without a leader another day or two.� White House officials took the President�s decision in stride, and admitted that the odds that someone will attack the United States over Labor Day weekend was �pretty low.�

Vice-President Dick Cheney suggested to the President that he schedule a half-day on his first day back at the White House, so Bush can ease into his role as leader of the world�s only superpower more smoothly. Aides say that the President has gained several pounds over his vacation, from a combination of dinner fund-raisers and late-night Twinkie binges.

Japanese teens collect, trade Democratic presidential candidates

Tokyo, Japan � They�re cute, clean, and relatively quiet, and they have the fad-hungry Japanese going crazy. A growing craze for Democratic presidential candidates is an obsession among teens in Japan, who collect and trade the many politicians with glee.

12-year-old Ikuko Yumiko traded her Al Sharpton and Dennis Kucinich for Joe Lieberman, after borrowing the former vice-presidential candidate from a friend. �I had to have him when he started telling me why NAFTA was a positive step taken by America to increase economic opportunities at home,� she explains. �It was the cutest thing I�ve ever seen in my life.� Teenagers say that the presidential candidates are a symbol of status, and that the most desired Democrats are difficult to obtain. Meanwhile, several schools are banning their students from bringing their treasured candidates to classes. �This isn�t a Pokemon Pikachu, this is a real living person,� school administrator Keiji Eki said. �I appreciate that young girls are eager to learn about responsibility, but it�s clearly a distraction from learning when a lovable candidate passes out in class because its owner forgot to feed it.�

At least one of the presidential hopefuls have died as a result of poor care by its owner. Bob Graham was found dead outside a young girl�s home after he was stranded in a yard for several days. The girl and her family had taken a vacation to Tokyo Disney and had simply forgotten about the candidate.

Bush Diagnosed With Attention-To-Deficit Disorder

WASHINGTON, DC�Pointing to massive war-time tax cuts, physicians from the Congressional Budget Office diagnosed President Bush with attention-to-deficit disorder Tuesday. "The president exhibits all the symptoms of ATDD: impulsiveness, restlessness, inability to focus on mounting U.S. debt likely to reach $400 billion by the year's end," Dr. Terrence Spellman said. "Failing to address his affliction could lead to serious long-term fiscal health problems for future generations of Americans." To treat the president's ATDD, Spellman prescribed Ritalin and an introductory course in high-school economics.

GSA crony Kisses Congressman Cox�s Ass in Public

Yesterday (4-28-03) I had the distinct dis-pleasure to attend a public meeting held in Irvine California to explain the turn-over of the El Toro Marine airbase to 4 multi-national companies (or as they called it an internet auction).

As a resident of Irvine I have been watching the political turmoil over the last 5 years on how to they were going to dispose of the military base that was to be shutdown. After surviving the �Airport Plan� our city council pushed for the �Great Park� plan and had it approved by the voters last year.

U. S. Congressman Christopher Cox was for years Pro-Airport and Anti-Park but �Teflon Cox� has now decided to take credit for it all and to celebrate his flip-flop they had this big �Dog and Pony� show with senior representatives from the navy and GSA (general services agency). It is worth noting that the Irvine city mayor, Larry Agran and the city council (who fought for the park) were not invited to the table and never mentioned by name. This was Cox�s show!

The highlight of the event was the speech by GSA Regional Administrator, Peter Stamison. He started out letting everyone know that he was appointed by ex-governor Pete Wilson and had turned down an appointment by the Bush administration to move to Washington (for some unknown reason) to stay with the GSA. He then proceeded to shamelessly praise Cox�s leadership in fighting to reduce taxes. What does that have to do with a base turnover? Calling him the �top republican from California� he then heaped praise on him for getting an �A� rating from the most conservative anti-tax PAC in the country. Then he asked the audience to stand and applaud this �stellar republican figure� while shaking his hand. This was really a �Cox for President� rally under the guise of a base turnover.

Oh, My, God! Teflon Cox did it again!