OMG I'm a GIRL!

What It's Like to Have Sex with Me

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Sex with Ducks

Riki "Garfunkel" Lindhome and Kate "Oates" Micucci sing a pro-gay marriage song in response to a Pat Robertson quote that legalizing gay marriage would lead to legalizing sex with animals!

I Keep Telling You, Your Too Big!

What It's Like Having Sex with Me

Hot Metal Love

Ice Cream Whore

Man fails to make friend's wife pregnant - gets sued

A judge in Stuttgart Germany must decide this week on a case where a man hired his neighbor to get his wife pregnant.

Demetrius Soupolos (29) and his former beauty queen wife Traute (26), wanted a child but was told by doctors he was sterile. After calming his wife's protests Demetrius hired his neighbor, Frank Maus (34) to impregnate her. Since Frank was already married and the father of two children, the plan seemed good.

Demetrius paid Frank 2,500 euros for the job and for three evenings a week for six months Frank tried a total of 72 different times to impregnate Traute. When his own wife objected he explained, "I don't like this any more than you. I'm simply doing it for the money."

When Traute failed to get pregnant, Demetrius insisted that Frank have a medical exam. The doctor's announcement that Frank was also sterile shocked everyone... except his wife. She then confessed that Frank was not the father of their two children.

Now Demetrius is suing Frank for breach of contract in order to get his money back. Frank is refusing stating he did not guarantee conception, only that he would give it an honest effort.

I guess it looks like everyone got fucked in this deal!

Erotic Desert

Japanese Sex Education

Pope Says "Put a Bible Over Your Penis"

POPE Benedict last night claimed that placing a bible over an erect penis before intercourse is the only guaranteed way to prevent the spread of Aids.

Speaking before his tour of Africa, the Pontiff said Aids could only be tackled by the 'traditional teaching of the church' and not a latex rubber sheath that contains infected semen and prevents it from transferring the virus to another human being.

Experts said that either the Pope is suggesting the bible is used like a condom, or he doesn't know what a condom is.

Dr Emma Bradford, of Reading University, said: "I guess you would have to rip out a few pages of Leviticus and then somehow fashion them into a condom-like device using lots and lots of masking tape (which may cause chafing).

Dr Bradford added: "Suggesting that the African Aids epidemic can be contained simply by reading the bible would be criminally insane."

What They Eat in New York

Geezzz.. $4.99 a pound. Such a good price!

I Love Flowers!

Oral Sex

Human-Peacock Mating Dance

Here is a photo of the rarely seen mating dance between a female human and male peacock. Spreading their plumage prior to mating they dance in spinning circles around each other.

After mating they are known to celibrate with a cocktail.

A Girl with Big Knockers

go ahead.. Touch my Monkey!

College Sex Advisor

Real questions from the college crowd

My boyfriend is always calling me dirty names and asking me to call him Daddy while we're having sex. Why does he do that and what can I do to get him to stop? Cindy, U. Mississippi

I'd like to restore my virginity. Is there such a thing as an artificial hymen so that I can give my lover my "cherry" again and again? Shelly, Mount Holyoke

I like to picture my boyfriend as Anthony Hopkins from "Silence of the Lambs" while he's eating me out, and this really turns me on. Is this a bad thing? Kathy, Texas A & M

My roommate goes out with a lot of different girls. He apparently picked up crabs from one of them. He used some special soap and said he got rid of them, but now I'm starting to feel all itchy too. Could his fleas have hopped onto me? Tad, U. of Michigan

My girlfriend and I argue and then have "make-up sex." The problem I have is that sometimes I'm still mad at her and when I tell her this, I'm cut off for weeks. What do I do? Scott, North Carolina

What is semen supposed to smell like? Mine smells almost like a household cleaner. Is that normal? David, MSU

So this girl I'm with wants me to put my hand around her neck and choke her...not even during sex - like when we kiss or before sex. Is this normal? Ken, Illinois

How do you tell a girl you want a blow job without sounding too demanding? Andrew, Syracuse

My new girlfriend claims she's bisexual. That means I can have a three-way with her and another chick, right? Jason, Cornell U.

Are Guys staring at your Boobs too long?

Are Guys staring at your Boobs too long? then try this!

At my last job we had this insurance broker who dealt with all medical � life � and retirement benefits for our small company (around 50). He is this greasy New Jersey Italian type with the open shirt and gold chain look. Every time he would visit the office he would talk to the girls but stare at their boobs. The receptionist came up with this idea that totally disabled him.

When he came in the office she would pick up 2 pieces of paper (memos or clean stuff from the printer) and hold them over her breasts, one in each hand. It was soooo funny because it was so obvious what she was doing. So he would go into another girls office and she would do the same thing! He never said anything about the papers expertly held into place by both girls, but continued discussing insurance issues. Every time he would return (about once a week) both would whip-out their 8 � by 11 sheets and hold them over their now un-see-able boobs. It was so frickin funny and smart too!!!

Berlin readies giant brothel for 2006 World Cup

BERLIN, July 29 - A German company is looking to cash in on an expected boom in the sex trade during next year's soccer World Cup with a 60-room brothel a walk away from Berlin's Olympic Stadium, German media reported on Friday.

Named after the virgin huntress of Greek mythology, the "Artemis" complex is due to open for business in September with whirlpool, sauna, cinema, buffet restaurant and a staff of 100 prostitutes, mass circulation daily Bild reported.

"This is no flash rip-off joint where clients are taken for a ride," a spokesman for the Artemis GmbH investment company behind the project, told the newspaper. Prostitution is legal in Germany in designated areas. Dortmund, one of 11 other cities to host World Cup matches, has said it will install drive-in wooden "sex garages" in time for the tournament in a bid to keep the trade off the streets.

.... I thought being "taken for a ride" is what prostitution is all about.

Top Ten Punchlines To Dirty Election Jokes

10. "With a poll like that, I'm suprised he can gallup at all."
9. "She starts chanting, 'four more minutes! four more minutes!'"
8. "That's not the voting lever, but don't stop pulling."
7. "This isn't how it looks--I'm just joining a third party."
6. I prefer Bush, but I don't know who I'll vote for."
5. "So that's where Katherine Harris was hiding the Al Gore votes."
4. "Unfortunately, his margin of error was plus or minus three inches."
3. "Get used to it, honey--we live in a swing state."
2. "I thought you had trouble maintaining an election."
1. "I saw your sister with Mary Cheney--there was no sign of Dick."

Sperm to the rescue

Romanian factory workers donate sperm in order to save their factory from going bankrupt. Apparently, sperm is one of the most valuable commodities that is also in great demand on the market in this South-European country. Besides, the workers of this ex-Socialist country possess nothing else aside from it.

According to a spokesman of the "Kampulung" factory, which manufactures 4x4s, the facility owns creditors a little over $12 000 000 USD. Sperm-bank located just around the corner from the car-manufacturing facility pays $32 per ejaculation. The workers, after hearing about this remarkable opportunity, rushed to the sperm bank to donate their sperm in order to pay back the creditors.

One of the union leaders stated, "Judging by our technical-economic plan, it turns out that if 1000 workers will donate their sperm regularly in the course of 2-3 months, we will be able to collect enough financial means to pay of the debt in its entirety. In the meantime, it is very rewarding to observe young workers trying to do their best to save this facility along with all the working personnel here."

Farmer's paid-for 'bride' a man

A newly-wed "bride" was arrested after the farmer who paid to marry her found she was really a man.

The farmer, from rural eastern China, paid 20,000 yuan ($3355) for his arranged marriage only to have her run away from him six days after their wedding. He found she was a man when he tracked her to a neighbouring town in Fujian province, eastern China.

The bogus bride, who came from Yunnan, was arrested last Friday, the newspaper said.
Arranged marriages are common in parts of rural China where, because of the country's one-child policy, men often greatly outnumber women.

yea, but what was the sex like?

CEO's Marital Duties Outsourced To Mexican Groundskeeper

GROSSE POINTE, MI�As part of the ongoing trend toward replacing U.S. workers with foreign labor, the marital duties of United Carborundum CEO Howard Reinhardt have been outsourced to his Mexican groundskeeper, industry sources revealed Monday.

"It was time for a change," said Reinhardt's wife Melanie, who has been married to the CEO for 17 years and has conducted her sexual business almost exclusively with him since 1984. "While I was generally satisfied with the level of servicing that I received under Howard, it was my feeling that a younger, more aggressive hand on the tiller might bring some new ideas into play. No matter how mutually satisfying the old deal was, its time had passed." Although specific terms of the arrangement have not been made public, Melanie allowed that she has been "very pleased" by the new supplier�Jorge Escobedo, a 26-year-old gardener from Sierra Mojada who has been working in the U.S. since February.

"The switchover was seamless, considering how rapidly the deal was closed," said Melanie, who initiated the informal arrangement with Escobedo on Nov. 20, while he was cleaning the equipment shed. "Well, in truth, I was considering a move in this direction for some time, and looking into possibilities. Then Jorge offered me a very attractive package, and I decided it was in my interest to act. I've been very pleased with his initial performance." Melanie said Escobedo beats her former provider in availability, reliability, and turnaround. He also requires minimal emotional investment from Melanie, who is the sole receiver of the goods under the new arrangement. Melanie offered few details on the ins-and-outs of the deal, but she did report that the outsourcing is limited to Reinhardt's marital duties. All previous supply arrangements with Reinhardt, including those pertaining to housing and finance, are still very much in effect.

"This isn't some sort of challenge to the American workforce as a whole," Melanie said. "I'm just sending the jobs where they're going to be done most efficiently. The acquisition of houses, automobiles, and clothing will all still be in Howard's wheelhouse, but groundskeeping and plowing are now to be managed by Jorge. It just makes sense."

Melanie said the outsourcing is a direct response to the expansion of Reinhardt's duties at United Carborundum. "Howard is simply too busy to personally keep track of every detail of the marital union," Melanie said. "As long as he's available when he's needed�major Reinhardt-family gatherings and the United Carborundum holiday ball�I'm happy to have someone else's input day-to-day."

The Reinhardt household has been moving toward a more modular operation for years now. Laundry duties are handled by a small Chinese concern; child-rearing and education are performed by a live-in salaried Irish employee; and a loosely organized, rotating consortium of Italians, Japanese, and Greeks handles food service. The sexual-services agreement, however, marks the Reinhardts' first use of highly skilled foreign manpower. The news of the outsourcing was met with little surprise in the greater Detroit area, where community members are used to seeing hard-won jobs go to foreign labor, and are aware of cooling relations in the Reinhardt household.

"This proposal might not be the win-win situation that Melanie is projecting," said Philip Johannsen, business writer for the Detroit Free Press. "But it's going to be tough for Howard to say he didn't see it coming. When it came time to find a groundskeeper, he delegated the crucial domestic-hiring decision to his wife. He knows she's a very proactive person, so it shouldn't surprise him that she took the initiative to shore up areas of the household where she saw standards slipping."

"If American executives are not willing to shoulder the increased personal investment of time and energy required to keep the jobs in-house, globalization is just something they're going to have to accept," Johannsen added. Howard Reinhardt was unavailable for comment, as he was scouting locations in Oaxaca for a boron-nitride factory.

Gay Gene Isolated

BALTIMORE�On Friday, scientists at Johns Hopkins University isolated the gene which causes homosexuality in human males, promptly separating it from normal, heterosexual genes. "I had suspected that gene was queer for a long time now. There was just something not quite right about it," team leader Dr. Norbert Reynolds said. "It's a good thing we isolated it�I wouldn't want that faggot-ass gene messing with the straight ones." Among the factors Reynolds cited as evidence of the gene's gayness were its pinkish hue, meticulously frilly perimeter, and faint but distinct perfume-like odor.

Top Ten Good Things About Finding a Condom In Your Clam Chowder

(a David Letterman follow-up of my Tuesday November 11, 2003 blog)

10. Only slightly more rubbery and unappealing than clams
9. It's better than finding a clam in your condom
8. Provides 35% of the recommended daily allowance of latex
7. You can use it to take home any clam you don't finish
6. Ever eat Cracker Jacks? Well, think of it as a prize
5. It made the Band-Aid salad look like a gourmet meal
4. Does the phrase "damages for emotional pain and suffering" ring a bell?"
3. Mmm Mmm Ribbed!
2. For Bill Clinton, it's one-stop shopping
1. It's a lot better than not finding it

Groom agrees to marry bride's handicapped sister

A groom has agreed to marry his bride's handicapped elder sister in a double wedding ceremony next month, saying it was an act of humanity to ensure the older woman was taken care of. The sisters are happy, and so is their father, The Asian Age newspaper reported from northern Uttar Pradesh state in India. But the groom's family worries that he may not be able to support two wives on his 2500 rupee ($78) a month salary as a courier.

"When my father sent a marriage proposal for Ragini, her father put forward a precondition," the paper quoted Amar Verma as saying. "He said he would agree to my marrying Ragini only if I also agreed to marry her elder sister, Preeti, who happens to be physically challenged." Mr Verma said he had spoken to Preeti, 21, and Ragini, 18, and had "developed a liking for both".

The groom's father, Ram Swarup Verma, said: "We viewed the situation from a humanitarian point of view. Preeti is confined to a wheelchair and it would be difficult for her to fend for herself. Preeti reportedly said, "I never imagined that I could ever get married, but he has made my dream come true."

The newspaper quoted lawyers as saying that the marriage on November 25 would probably not be challenged, as there was no aggrieved party and it would be difficult to prove which was the second marriage, since both women were being married at the same time.

Take note of this last sentence my Mormon friends!

Nursing-Home Residents Mate In Captivity

COLBY, KS�Following six months of failed attempts under intense observation by geriatric scientists, Briarwood Nursing Home residents Horace Klass, 86, and Helen Veukmaan, 83, successfully mated in captivity Monday. "As with most new arrivals to Briarwood, Horace and Helen at first seemed despondent," Briarwood's Dr. William Stander said. "Before long, though, they grew accustomed to their new habitat, and Horace soon felt comfortable enough to approach Helen. Indeed, Horace ultimately proved quite aggressive." Briarwood employees report that, after mating, Klass provided Veukmaan with half a box of windmill cookies.

Blow-up bride proved deadly

A Brazilian man who considered an inflatable puppet his "bride" killed his parents because they demanded he divorce her, media reports said today.

The 44-year-old unemployed man apparently confessed to the crime, which occurred on Saturday, after a long interrogation by police in a suburb of Sao Paulo city, a police spokesman said. "The man thought the doll was a human being, called her his bride and talked to her," an acquaintance of the family was quoted as saying. But his parents, who were religious, demanded he separate from the doll.

When the mother took scissors and cut holes in the man's "bride", the man strangled and stabbed his father, age 70, and mother, age 71. "My parents didn't love me and didn't understand me," the man was quoted as saying.