New TSA Airline Safety Card

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Why are there so many Exceptionally Stupid People Around Me?

I normally don't complain but lately I have lost my patience with all the exceptionally stupid people around me. For example, I am at the airport and a woman in front of me cant get it through her head that you have to take off all your "Bling" to get through the scanner. It took her 5 times. Back and forth and in and out of the machine before she finally had everything out and into the provided tray. Then I get to the gate and they announce boarding for 1st class passengers (like me). About 10 people rush up to the ticket taker only to be told it was not their turn yet.

"Why cant I board now?" Cause you're fucking stupid!

Maybe they should change things at the airport so all the exceptionally stupid people have their own line. I can hear it now, "now boarding families with small children, passengers with wheelchairs, and exceptionally stupid people."

Felonious Snowball Tossing

FEBRUARY 9--Felony snowball throwing charges have been leveled against two Virginia college students for allegedly pelting a city plow and an undercover police car during Saturday's blizzard. Charles Gill and Ryan Knight, both 21, were nabbed by cops in Harrisonburg, where they attend James Madison University. According to police, the pair first targeted a city plow last Saturday afternoon. The driver responded by calling cops to report the frosty fusillade. When police responded to the scene in a bid to identify the assailants, their unmarked vehicle also came under an icy assault. Gill and Knight, a guard on JMU's basketball team, were then apprehended and booked into jail for throwing missiles at occupied vehicles, a felony. If convicted of the felonious snowball tossing, the men each face between one and five years in prison, and a maximum $2,500 fine.

Thanks to Bush and Fox News everyone is now a terrorist!

2009 Slam/Bam Award - Stupid Word Of The Year "Physicality"

SLAM!

"Physicality"

..a word used by people, especially sports casters, who are too fucking lazy to say "THEY HAVE A PHYSICAL ABILITY" to do stuff...

Anyone who uses this lazy, made-up word needs to re-take elementary school English or (even better) stop talking entirely.


The 2009 Slam/Bam Award is presented to the Best and Worst of our culture for the year 2009 according to extensive polling of the exceptionally intelligent and thoughtful fans of Sushi Bandit's Blog O' Rama.

Why I Hate the Freeway

Fucktard Ronald Regan

trying to figure out what to say....

Levi Johnston To Pose Nude For Gay Mag!

Sarah Palin�s least-favorite almost-son-in-law Levi Johnston will not vanish from the public eye, ever! He�s doing a photoshoot for a magazine called Playgirl, which, despite its gender specific name, is actually a site for gay men who like to look at photographs of other men, naked. There is nothing wrong with this, just ask the Alaska Family Council! And, you know, I am pretty happy that of the two unlikely Wasilla-based media sensations of September 2008, Sarah Palin is now an unemployed twitterer and baby maker Levi Johnston is the celebrity of September 2009. Who could�ve predicted it?

Lame-ass Indiana Congressman Proposes Plexi-glass Cage for Public Visitors

In an effort to continue the fear mongering started during the Bush administration, Indiana republican congressman Dan Burton today proposed enclosing the Capitol gallery in Plexiglas to protect members of Congress from a terrorist attack.

�What this bill does is it would authorize a study to look at enclosing the chamber, the gallery chamber, with Plexiglas so that somebody can�t throw a bomb down on the floor and kill a lot of us,� Burton told the Rules Committee Thursday. To the shock of on-looking congressmembers, Burton described how a terrorist could kill the lot of them. Someone could kill �half the Members of Congress right now,� he said.

�You could take a detonating device that looks like a watch so you could get through the metal detector,� Burton explained. �And when everybody was on the floor, as many as you wanted, you could put that into the plastic explosive, toss it out on the floor, and there is no way you would lose half of us if we were on the floor, at least, or more. I don�t know how much damage it would do.�

It has now become obvious to those with half a brain that congressman Burton has shit for brains.

Where Do You Tattoo?

My Website's Error Pages for Users of Internet Explorer 6

If you havn't see these before then your cool!

Reallllly Stupid Bike Bungie Tricks

The Reason why so many Pakistanies Die in Train Crashes

Sarah Palin Offered $2M To Appear In Adult Film

THIS IS A TRUE STORY!
After all the commemorative Day After Election Day newspapers are bought, will there be any profit left to be wrung from the 2008 Election Experience? One visionary named Cezar Capone believes there remains one growth sector: Sarah Palin-themed pornography. Judging by how well the first foray was received, he's probably right! And even if he isn't, he's at least bold about making a dent in the marketplace: in a letter posted to his PalinSuperMILF website [SFW, by the way, it's just a letter], he offers the Alaska Governor $2 million large to star in her own show, Zack and Miri style:

Please let this writing serve as an official request. In light of the recent election results, Cezar Capone Productions would like to make you a formal offer of $2,000,000 to star in an adult "MILF" production. I am sure you are unaware that Cezar Capone is the KING of all "MILF" films. This one time offer also guarantees that you can walk away from our beautiful set with a newer and sexier wardrobe to make up for the $150,000 worth of clothes you had to give back to the GOP.

You may be asking yourself why you should even consider such a crazy proposition? The answer is simple; this film will be shot in high definition, and be a glossy, adult production starring a beautiful mother recognized by all of America as well as the rest of the world -the most desirable woman over 40! The film will be distributed internationally on DVD, as well as the website will reside on palinsupermilf.com

And this part might just be the dealmaker: We have taken into consideration that there may be some hesitation to star in an adult production with male talent other than your husband so we are also prepared to kick in an extra $100,000.00 for your husband Todd to star in the movie with you, along with a brand new Arctic Cat snowmobile for him to sweeten the deal.

The Answer is NOT always C

Check out this exam my friend took last year. 100 question True/False Communications Final.

(click on test to make it bigger)

His professor sent him an e-mail the following day:

Dear Michael,

Every year I attempt to boost my students' final grades by giving them this relatively simple exam consisting of 100 True/False questions from only 3 chapters of material. For the past 20 years that I have taught Intro Communications 101 at this institution I have never once seen someone score below a 65 on this exam. Consequently, your score of a zero is the first in history and ultimately brought the entire class average down a whole 8 points.

There were two possible answer choices: A (True)and B (False). You chose C for all 100 questions in an obvious attempt to get lucky with a least a quarter of the answers. It's as if you didn't look at a single question. Unfortunately, this brings your final grade in this class to failing. See you next year!

Sincerely,
Professor William Turner

P.S. If all else fails, go with B from nowon. B is the new C

Another girl puts something in her mouth

Strike a Pose!

Men with Drinking Problems!

Girls with Drinking Problems!

I am NOT an Alcoholic!

Bill O'Reilly is a Falaphiliac

In Bill O'Reilly's latest sexual harassment suit it was revealed that he is obsessed with falafels.

So you may ask, what is falaphilia?

fa�la�phil�i�a (n)
1. Obsessive fascination with ground spiced chickpeas shaped into balls and fried.
2. Erotic attraction to or sexual contact with garbanzo beans, coriander, and cumin.
3. An abnormal fondness for being in the presence of middle eastern foods. Also called taboulehmania, hummulingus.
4. Sexual contact with or erotic desire for a falafel.

Man tries to convert lions to Jesus, gets bitten

46-year-old leaps into den at Taipei Zoo, calls beasts to Christianity

TAIPEI, Taiwan - A man leaped into a lion�s den at the Taipei Zoo on Wednesday to try to convert the king of beasts to Christianity, but was bitten in the leg for his efforts. �Jesus will save you!� shouted the 46-year-old man at two African lions lounging under a tree a few meters away. �Come bite me!� he said with both hands raised, television footage showed. One of the lions, a large male with a shaggy mane, bit the man in his right leg before zoo workers drove it off with water hoses and tranquilizer guns. Newspapers said that the lions had been fed earlier in the day, otherwise the man might have been more seriously hurt ... or worse.

note: the lion said that he tasted like shit.

Israel orders snip to Shrek joke

The Hebrew-dubbed version of Shrek 2 has been banned from Israeli cinemas until a castration joke is removed.

Israeli singer David Daor won a court case over a reference to him that he said implied he had been castrated. The animated comedy had one character threaten to emasculate another by saying "Let's do a David Daor on him" - a reference to the singer's voice.

Tel Aviv District Court ordered Shrek 2 withdrawn from 20 cinemas pending a redub of the controversial remark. "This film intends to present me, in perpetuity, as a eunuch, a man with no testicles, and turn me into a laughing stock," Daor told an Israeli newspaper ahead of the legal hearing.

�I gotta hear this guy sing!

Teen killed by exploding toilet

TSUKUBA, JAPAN - A teen knocked unconscious when a hospital toilet exploded died Wednesday, police said.

The 19-year-old, whose name has not been released, died as a result of the severe burns sustained throughout his body in the Tuesday night blast. He had been unconscious in the agonizing few hours until his death. Police said the victim, an unemployed youth from Mitsukaido, Ibaraki Prefecture, was found lying unconscious next to a bottle containing a liquid believed to have been the cause of the blast. Forensic scientists are currently analyzing the contents of the bottle to determine what it is.

New Zealander bungee jumps - without rope

A New Zealand man went bungee jumping yesterday - without the rope, police said. The 30-year-old man, whose name was not released, leapt off a platform into the Waikato River on New Zealand's central North Island after staff at the bungee had refused to let him jump, said Constable Tracey Haggart of Taupo police.

He then barged past the staff and dived 47 metres into the river. The impact knocked him unconscious and he was rescued by the bungee jump staff before being flown to nearby Taupo hospital, Haggart said in a statement. His condition was not immediately available. Taupo is a tourist town 375 kilometres north of Wellington. Haggart said police had no plans to charge the man, who had consumed "a small amount of alcohol."

Plug pulled on Santa mail

For South African children there is no Santa Claus this year - and that's official. South Africa's Advertising Standards Authority has banned an advertisement for the country's Post Office that gave children an address to which to write to Santa Claus with their Christmas wishes.

In a ruling this week, the authority said the Post Office has been profiting from the natural credulity of children. It said the advert created the impression in the mind of the credulous child that, by writing to the given address, the child would then receive the requested presents.

The authority banned the advertisement, upholding a complaint that said it encouraged a falsehood that could break the fragile spirits of the country's already disillusioned youth.

...with leaders like that.. it's no wonder their youth are disillusioned!

2DRUNK 2DRIVE

A man whose car has a "2DRUNK" number plate has admitted in a New Zealand court to drink driving.

Philip William Bain, 33, has faced Dunedin District Court charged with driving while over the limit on Saturday. Judge Stephen O'Driscoll said Bain's number plate meant he was "just asking" to be stopped by police.

He was convicted and fined $NZ600 ($A525), disqualified from driving for six months and ordered to pay court costs. It was his second drink-driving conviction

Man's Finger Stuck in Pay Phone for Hours

EAST ST. LOUIS, Ill. (AP) -- A man and a pay phone were rushed to a hospital after he got his finger stuck in the coin return slot while trying to retrieve his 50 cents. Emergency room doctors gave Emanuel Fleming a painkiller Monday and pried his middle finger loose using a wooden device and lubricant, ending the three-hour ordeal.

"The bone in my finger felt like it was going to break. My finger was numb. It was very painful," said Fleming, an elementary school janitor. Fleming had tried to call his wife, but the line was busy. Two passers-by tried to help. When they failed to free him, Fleming used his other hand to dial 911.

Emergency crews and a representative of the company that owns the phone were sent to the scene. But they were also unable to free Fleming. With few options left, ambulance crew members cut the telephone off at the base and took it and Fleming to St. Mary's Hospital.

The phone was near a busy bus stop. "People on the bus who know me were laughing at me," Fleming said.

President proud of new economic numbers

Columbus, Ohio � President Bush bragged about newly released GDP numbers today while hinting that he's pretty sure that good things are in store for the economy. "The figures handed to me by some unknown element in my administration are probably good news. Uh, something about 7.2% of something. Not sure if that's up or down, but it's a nice little number either way," said the President. "It's good? Oh, okay, trust us, it's good. We rule!"

Cyber love leads Down Under

A Welsh woman told her husband and son she was going to the shop, then boarded a flight to Australia to be with a man she met on the internet.

Margaret Fiore, 40, has now been granted permanent residency status in Australia and says she has no regrets about leaving husband Chris, 53, and son Sam, 13, for an Adelaide factory worker called Steve. "Life with Christopher was dull," Mrs Fiore, who has had her lover's name tattooed on her shoulder, told British newspaper the Daily Mail. "We never talked, which is why I spent most evenings on the internet. "Steve was a rebel like I used to be and Adelaide was so much more glamorous than Cardiff. "Life's too short to settle for misery."

The Fiores had been married for 18 years when Mrs Fiore began spending up to 18 hours a day talking to strangers in internet chatrooms. Mr Fiore said he did not see her seven-month friendship with Steve as a threat, as he was on the other side of the world and was himself married with a young daughter. On the day his wife left, he suspected something was wrong but his son had no idea.

"Sam was having his breakfast in front of the TV and Margaret said she was nipping down to the shops," he said. "She just walked out of the house and never gave him a backward glance. "I was gutted and shocked but worst of all was trying to explain it to Sam. It was hard telling him his mother had abandoned him for a stranger on the other side of the world. "I hope she finds happiness, although I can't honestly say that she deserves it." Steve has left his family and the pair plan to marry, the paper said.

Mrs Fiore said she did not tell her son she was leaving because she could not face it. "I couldn't drag him with me to the other side of the world but I couldn't face saying goodbye to him either," she said. "Sam says he's OK about things now and has promised to visit me."

Blow-up bride proved deadly

A Brazilian man who considered an inflatable puppet his "bride" killed his parents because they demanded he divorce her, media reports said today.

The 44-year-old unemployed man apparently confessed to the crime, which occurred on Saturday, after a long interrogation by police in a suburb of Sao Paulo city, a police spokesman said. "The man thought the doll was a human being, called her his bride and talked to her," an acquaintance of the family was quoted as saying. But his parents, who were religious, demanded he separate from the doll.

When the mother took scissors and cut holes in the man's "bride", the man strangled and stabbed his father, age 70, and mother, age 71. "My parents didn't love me and didn't understand me," the man was quoted as saying.