TSA's New Book Series for Kids Just Released

Next in the series includes: "Why the scanner man want to see my butt", "Mommy never made the flight", and "Do you know any terrorists?"

New TSA Airline Safety Card

click the card for full information...

New FEMA Logo

They are such clowns!

Lame-ass Indiana Congressman Proposes Plexi-glass Cage for Public Visitors

In an effort to continue the fear mongering started during the Bush administration, Indiana republican congressman Dan Burton today proposed enclosing the Capitol gallery in Plexiglas to protect members of Congress from a terrorist attack.

�What this bill does is it would authorize a study to look at enclosing the chamber, the gallery chamber, with Plexiglas so that somebody can�t throw a bomb down on the floor and kill a lot of us,� Burton told the Rules Committee Thursday. To the shock of on-looking congressmembers, Burton described how a terrorist could kill the lot of them. Someone could kill �half the Members of Congress right now,� he said.

�You could take a detonating device that looks like a watch so you could get through the metal detector,� Burton explained. �And when everybody was on the floor, as many as you wanted, you could put that into the plastic explosive, toss it out on the floor, and there is no way you would lose half of us if we were on the floor, at least, or more. I don�t know how much damage it would do.�

It has now become obvious to those with half a brain that congressman Burton has shit for brains.

Cheney Starts Pro-Torture Facebook Page

In his most aggressive public relations move since leaving office, former Vice President Dick Cheney today established a Facebook page for fans of torture.

In recent weeks, Mr. Cheney has been speaking out in praise of such controversial interrogation tactics as waterboarding, but in establishing his Facebook page the vice president seems to be attempting something far more amibitious: creating a social network for torture fans everywhere.

"This is a place where fans of waterboarding can meet, chat, and yes, hook up," Mr. Cheney told Fox News host Sean Hannity last night.

The former vice president extolled his torture fan page as a dating site, telling Mr. Hannity, "This way when you go out on a date with somebody you know going in how he or she feels about waterboarding. I think that's important in building a long-term and hopefully loving relationship. It's certainly something Lynne and I share."

BREAKING: Bush Declares a State of Emergency

This just in: George Bush has just announced a State of National Emergency and has appointed himself Emperor of A'merica.

This action is due to the failure of the war on terror, faith based initiatives, and no child left behind. Standing along with our new exalted leader during the announcement were Cheney, Gonzalez, Chertoff, Bolton, Rice, Card, Palin, Rumsfeld, Fleischer, McClellan, Snow, Rove, Roberts, Miers, Ridge, Ashcroft, Paulson, and DeLay.

Emperor Bush has declared martial law and directed the joint chiefs of staff to initiate operation �drop your pants� where all Americans will get an identity chip imbedded up their ass. All who refuse will be shot on the spot. Also, by decree the inauguration of that �Boy from Hawaii� is canceled just like all the election results, nation-wide.

When asked by a reporter how this can be legal he responded �Cause I�m the decider. Now drop your pants!�

P.S. it could happen, he still has one more day!

Man arrested for shoe bomb comment

A St. Louis man was jailed 3 1/2 days and charged with making a threat about a shoe bomb.

Michael Shafermeyer, 30, was arrested Saturday boarding a flight at Lambert Airport on Saturday. He was flying to Maryland to get married and because he was anxious about the wedding and nervous about flying, he had a few drinks before getting to the airport. His friends describe him as a guy with a non-stop, quirky sense of humor.

When a flight attendant asked him to close his laptop after boarding, Shafermeyer says he was just trying to make a joke when he asked her, �Are you the one who checks for shoe bombs?� Within minutes federal agents whisked him off the plane and he spent the next 2 � days in solitary confinement in the St. Louis County Jail. The final day in jail, he was put in general holding with 20-30 other people, who he said stood and gave him a standing ovation.

Shafermeyer said he�s charged with making a false bomb report. He still plans to go to Maryland to get married, but will take the train to get there.

Highly Effective Anti-terrorist System Deployed for Airlines

Frustrated by the lack of effective deterrents to thwart possible terrorists attacks to airlines the DHS has initiated a new system that was designed by a special team at the White House.

It was designed to seal off access to the pilots cockpit from any terrorists who are wanting to take control.

In a recent press conference the president stated "This is a new tool to stop any evil doer that gets on board your flight. I personally directed its design with my new anti-terrorist team. I even choose the color yellow, cause those Islamic Nazi�s hate yellow, cause their yellow evil doers!"

When asked about design problems, and specifically the fact that no one can exit the plane after deployment, he responded. �You just don�t get it, they are EVIL and want to take you freedoms away, they are jealous that we live in a free, god fearing country, We are at WAR and we wont stop until these evil doers give up.�

Terrorists using Cuneiform Tablets to avoid DHS scrutiny

Terrorists get upper hand. DHS, FBI, DOD and CIA are all baffled. No one on staff has studied any dead languages.

"We first thought that these intercepted clay tablets were just writings about the Epic of Gilgamesh" said Larry "T.R." Teal, a temp agency guard at the port of Pascagoula, Mississippi. "But I realized that they had misspelled the goddess Rimat-Ninsun's name. I knew something was up!"

After consulting with Mr. Teal, DHS determined that these were orders to invade, rape and pillage the town of "Uruk". Uruk is the CIA's code name for Crawford, Texas.

With hundreds of additional tablets discovered, it is estimated to take years to read them all. "We have extended the temp agency's contract so Mr. Teal can get to work on deciphering them." said Bob Landreau, Director of the Mississippi Office of Homeland Security.

The shortage of qualified translators of ancient Sumerian has been exasperated by their internment at Guant�namo and Abu Ghraib prisons.

I got this Xmas card from Grorge Bush

I was afraid to open it!

CIA Chief Admits To Torture After Six-Hour Beating, Electrocution

LANGLEY, VA�An internal CIA investigation into the possible use of illegal and inhumane interrogation techniques produced a confession from CIA director Porter Goss Monday, with the aid of waterboarding, food and light deprivation, and the application of wire hangers hooked to a car battery to the testicles. "I did it. We did it. We all did it. The president knew. The president did it. Please, God, please stop," said a voice identified as Goss' on recordings produced by CIA auditors. "Stop, please stop. I'm sorry. I won't do it again. The president won't do it again. Please let me die." Critics of the methods used to obtain the information continue to claim that torture is an ineffective means of obtaining intelligence, pointing out that Goss did not sound sorry.

Bush To London Bombers: 'Bring It On'

WASHINGTON, DC� President Bush officially responded to the latest round of London transit bombings Monday, challenging terrorists to "do their worst." Said Bush, in a televised statement from the Oval Office: "

The proud and resilient people of London can take anything the forces of evil and cowardice can throw at them. They will never live in fear of you. Bring it on." Prime Minister Tony Blair thanked Bush for his comments, inviting him to visit London and ride the Underground in a show of solidarity.

44 Suspicious Packages Detonated Under White House Christmas Tree

Merry Christmas to all my terrorist friends!

Book of the Week

Sex toy causes air security scare

Authorities in a regional Australian airport shut down services for an hour on Monday after a vibrating sex toy was mistaken for a bomb.

The terminal at Mackay Airport in Queensland was evacuated, causing upheaval to flight schedules. The suspect package was later identified as a vibrator-type "adult novelty device".

The incident was the latest in a string of false alerts regarding air security in Australia. The alarm was raised by cafeteria manager Lynne Bryant, whose staff was cleaning the area near a bin where the package was found. "It was rather disconcerting when the rubbish bin started humming furiously," she said, Australian media reported.

Local Sheriff Suspects Al-Qaeda or Teens

BARABOO, WI�Sauk County Sheriff Virgil "Butch" Steinhorst announced Tuesday that he believes a recent rash of Baraboo-area crimes was perpetrated by the al-Qaeda terrorist network or teenagers.

"In this day and age, it's important for law-enforcement officials to consider global threats as well as local ones," Steinhorst said. "We could be dealing with an al-Qaeda sleeper cell attempting to collect information that they could use to plan a terrorist strike or some of those goth kids who knocked over that mailbox. Neither group has any respect for the law."

The string of unsolved crimes includes the defacement of public property, an incident of breaking-and-entering, and a string of harassing phone calls. The latest crime�the sudden disappearance of two yield signs from Hoxie Street�occurred Monday."We believe the yield signs were removed in order to disrupt traffic patterns, most likely to cause an accident," Steinhorst said.

"The party responsible for the crime could be anyone from suspected terrorist Ahmad Ibrahim Al-Mughassil, who is on the FBI's most-wanted list, to that Fairman kid and his buddies. It could be the work of one or the other. Possibly both, though I have to say I doubt that."

Al-Qaeda Hires Public-Relations Consultant Just To Shoot Him

BAGHDAD�Al-Qaeda operative Mullah Hashem hired Elliot Dobin, a consultant for the Boston public-relations firm Schneider & Koff, for the sole purpose of murdering him, sources reported Monday.

"The al-Qaeda have taken such a beating in the press that we figured they wanted to clean up their media image, so we sent our best guy," firm partner Jerry Koff said. "But Elliot had barely shaken everyone's hand when Hashem and his guards shoved him up against the wall and shot him in the back of the head. He didn't even get to show them his PowerPoint presentation."

Bergman said he'll confront Hashem about the incident as soon as he figures out how to spin Dobin's shooting into a positive.

Short Stuff

Police in Yalta, Ukraine, have arrested a man caught with a gun and a cabbage he intended to use as a silencer. "Our officers just shrugged their shoulders, smiling, as they've never seen cabbage used as a silencer before," a police spokeswoman said.

A disabled man on his honeymoon was not allowed on a flight in Chile because the pilot thought his artificial hand could be used as a weapon. The man offered to leave the offending hand behind, but was still not allowed to board.

A Romanian man who spent 11 years in his basement trying to avoid an eight-year jail sentence has been arrested. The man, 31, was sentenced for trying to kill one of his neighbours. "I hid under the house and went out only a few times for food supplies," he said.

A Missouri motorist stopped by police threatened to sue them under copyright laws if they wrote down his name. Daniel Smith said his name was copyrighted, and every time it appeared on a document he would launch a $US300,000 lawsuit.

Toy dog causes stink

A novelty dog toy which breaks wind as it bends over sparked a major security alert at a US airport, its stunned owner said today. Designer Dave Rogerson said he could not believe what was happening to him when the life-size mechanical terrier set off an explosives detector at Norfolk airport in Virginia.

Armed security staff sprang into action after something in the dog's "wind breaking" mechanism apparently registered as the high explosive TNT on their sensitive equipment. Rogerson, 31, from Leeds, was grilled by FBI agents and looked on in amazement as they took a series of swabs from the replica animal's rear end.

They eventually returned the dog but stopped Rogerson taking his planned flight to Charlotte, North Carolina, and re-routed him via Philadelphia. "They told me it was the highest reading they had for explosives and they took it very seriously," said Rogerson. "They were very jumpy and convinced there was something explosive in the dog."

Rogerson, who was heading home from the US when the incident happened earlier this month, said he was not formally arrested but was held for a number of hours for questioning. He said the situation was made worse because he had placed his passport and boarding card under the dog as it passed through the sensor machine. When the agents demanded his papers he had to tell them they were in the isolation zone around the dog. Rogerson said: "They were very, very serious. They weren't aggressive but I got a real grilling. "I couldn't believe where the FBI agents were putting their swabs. "They must have got whatever it was off the dog because they let me have it back." Rogerson said he had named the dog Norfolk, after the airport.

Revised Patriot Act Will Make It Illegal To Read Patriot Act

WASHINGTON, DC�President Bush spoke out Monday in support of a revised version of the 2001 USA Patriot Act that would make it illegal to read the USA Patriot Act. "Under current federal law, there are unreasonable obstacles to investigating and prosecuting acts of terrorism, including the public's access to information about how the federal police will investigate and prosecute acts of terrorism," Bush said at a press conference Monday. "For the sake of the American people, I call on Congress to pass this important law prohibiting access to itself." Bush also proposed extending the rights of states to impose the death penalty "in the wake of Sept. 11 and stuff."