Why Japan Lost the War

Pentagon denies troops sent to Iraq without sufficient supplies

Donald Rumsfeld categorically denied reports that the Defense Department continues to send troops into Iraq without sufficient supplies. Commenting on the status of the newly armored assault vehicles he assured the press that every effort has been made to equip our mobile infantry with the latest technology, adding that he did not know of any units that were not 100% battle ready.

Tonight is an Important Milestone in American History

At 9:30 tonight, after roughly your 8th beer, the US will have been in Iraq longer than it was in WWII. This is because the Nazis were total pussies.

Terrorists using Cuneiform Tablets to avoid DHS scrutiny

Terrorists get upper hand. DHS, FBI, DOD and CIA are all baffled. No one on staff has studied any dead languages.

"We first thought that these intercepted clay tablets were just writings about the Epic of Gilgamesh" said Larry "T.R." Teal, a temp agency guard at the port of Pascagoula, Mississippi. "But I realized that they had misspelled the goddess Rimat-Ninsun's name. I knew something was up!"

After consulting with Mr. Teal, DHS determined that these were orders to invade, rape and pillage the town of "Uruk". Uruk is the CIA's code name for Crawford, Texas.

With hundreds of additional tablets discovered, it is estimated to take years to read them all. "We have extended the temp agency's contract so Mr. Teal can get to work on deciphering them." said Bob Landreau, Director of the Mississippi Office of Homeland Security.

The shortage of qualified translators of ancient Sumerian has been exasperated by their internment at Guant�namo and Abu Ghraib prisons.

I got this Xmas card from Grorge Bush

I was afraid to open it!

Marine Corps Shortens Slogan To "The Few"

WASHINGTON, DC�In light of recruiting shortfalls, a near standstill in re-enlistment, and rock-bottom troop morale, U.S. Marine Corps Commandant Gen. Michael Hagee announced Monday that the Marines will alter their unofficial slogan, abbreviating it to the more accurate "The Few." Hagee said, "We are still the Marines, the premier combat arm of the U.S. military."

The Marines will also change their motto to Semper Fidelis, Sic Non Sapienti, or "Always Faithful, But This Is Just Ridiculous."

How to meet enlistment targets

U.S. To Send 30,000 Mall Security Guards To Iraq

WASHINGTON, DC�Pressed for additional troops to police the Iraqi general elections scheduled for January, the Pentagon announced Monday that it will dispatch 30,000 U.S. shopping-mall security guards to the troubled Sunni Triangle region.

US pressures Fiji for Iraqi troops

http://www.abc.net.au/news/newsitems/s990509.htm

The United States is urging Fiji to send soldiers to Iraq but is not willing to pay their salaries, US ambassador David Lyon was quoted as saying in the Fiji Sun newspaper.

"While we would very much like Fiji to contribute troops to Iraq peacekeeping duties, and are prepared to provide equipment, uniforms, small arms, transport and logistical support, we are unable to pay salaries or personal entitlements," Mr Lyon said. Fiji has an army of around 9,000. Mr Lyon suggested Fiji might be able to find the needed funds from an international donor.

Well, it's official, we are at the bottom of the barrel. Next we will be asking the African Bushmen to police Bagdad!

'Well, You Try To Reconstruct Iraq,' Says U.S. Defensive Dept.

WASHINGTON, DC � Responding to recent criticism of reconstruction efforts in Iraq, the U.S. Defensive Department released a statement to the public Monday suggesting that perhaps they could do better, since they're obviously so smart.

U.S. Invades Non-Oil-Rich Nation To Dispel Criticism

LUXEMBOURG�In an effort to quiet criticism of U.S. military policy, 50,000 U.S. troops invaded and soundly defeated the non-oil-rich Grand Duchy of Luxembourg Monday. "Once again, the U.S. claims victory over a rogue nation," said President Bush after the 45-minute war. "The people of Luxembourg, although prosperous and living in peace, have suffered under the tyranny of a monarchy for centuries. And allow me to point out that Luxembourg has not one drop of crude oil." Troops will return home Friday, following the public hanging of Grand Duke Henri de Luxembourg.