Sarah Palin Pisses On Ronald Reagan�s Grave

Sarah Palin is so super-maverick-y now that she won�t even honor her vow to make a speech at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library, where she was scheduled to speak at the Simi Valley Republican Ladies Group Fund-raiser for Republicans, a very widely reported exciting event that was to be her first public appearance since just quitting the governorship of Alaska because fuck those people, right?

The Ventura County Star reports: Just days after officially stepping down as governor of Alaska, former GOP vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin is dropping out of an advertised speaking engagement in Simi Valley �.

It was on Thursday that Palin�s spokeswoman Meghan Stapleton made public the news of the decision not to attend the event via Palin�s Facebook page. Up to 900 people were expected to attend the event at $100 a ticket for members and $150 for non-members, but media had been barred from the occasion.

Facebook! She fucks these people over via Facebook. She�ll probably take Bristol out of her will via Twitter.

Meg, Palin�s loyal nut-case sidekick and spokesperson, said Palin bailed this time because she has so much, uhm, work to do. Commitments, too. Work and commitments. Also. Says the Ventura paper, �It is unclear what those other work and commitments are.�

Hahahahah. Why does lazy quitter Sarah Palin hate Republican ladies? And why must she desecrate the grave of Ronald Reagan?

Religious People Rapidly Vanishing From America

Good news, atheists! The mythological �Rapture� appears to be happening, in America. But it�s happening very, very slowly. While the United States was 86% Christian less than two decades ago, in 1990, last year that percentage fell to 76%. And a full 15% of Americans now say they are not religious at all � nearly double the percentage of godless heathens since 1990.

Socialist pagan Barack Obama plans to accelerate this trend by putting Rick Warren on national teevee at least once a year, so that people having second thoughts about this whole religion thing will look at this fat turd and then quickly dump their bibles in the incinerator.

Old Republican Asshole Apologizes For Happily Predicting Ruth Bader Ginsburg Will Die Soon

Kentucky! One of the comical idiot Republican senators of the �Bluegrass State� is a stupid old prick who once played baseball in, who knows, the pre-Civil War era?

But America�s worst, dumbest senator, Jim Bunning, who barely kept his seat in 2004 � the year George W. Bush Jr. actually won the presidential election. Anyway Bunning, 77, said Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg is about to DIE, because she is two years younger than he is, and she was successfully treated for early-stage pancreatic cancer and was back to work at SCOTUS today.

Bunning finally apologized, just now. What a dick.

Elitist Obama Inaugural Will Feature Poetry

Here is a true story about poets: they are all a bunch of whining pussies, except for Jane Kenyon, Robert Frost, and the two guys who played the precogs in Minority Report.

When JFK asked Robert Frost to read a poem at his swearing-in, Robert Frost wrote a poem specifically for the purpose and then when he couldn�t read it, on account of being a million years old and all of the terrible howling winds, he just recited another poem of his, from memory. Then the strapping 86-year-old walked 500 miles uphill in the snow to get home, because he was Robert Fucking Frost.


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Why Did Secret Service Let A Man In Wearing SHOES?

George W. Bush�s armed phalanx of security goons did a piss-poor job of defending the President from the terrible threat of shoes the other day. Ever since the shoe bomber incident of 2001, every moran in America has known what a dangerous weapon a simple human foot-covering can be. So why did security screeners not notice an Iraqi journalist wearing these shoe-like objects that were, in fact, shoes?

More to the point, why did Secret Service agents not shoot that guy to death repeatedly? That is the normal protocol, to draw your gun and start blammin� away if anybody looks at your President sideways.

The answer, of course, is that everybody is just so tired and bored of Bush that they were all just like, �Oh blah blah blah, look another Iraqi hates George Bush and is screaming while hurling objects at him, guess I�ll go play my XBox now.�

Americans Become Actively Scared Of Economy

Deflation kicks in. The Federal Reserve this afternoon is expected to cut the fed funds rate from 1% to .5%, a modern record. The government is printing more money than you can shake a stick at, all night, every night, to give to financial companies. This should be an incredibly sexy time to make LOANS.

Overnight loans, car loans, Truck Nutz loans, who cares, loans loans loans, free money! The only problem is that we�ve developed a terrorist�s mindset in which the American economy, as a whole, has become the enemy.

It is a poison. The economy will kill you if you step near it. We do not wish to bring our money to this� this �thing.� It is made of several trillion different flavors of death. Last week, for example, the yield on three-month Treasuries fell below zero for the first time ever, meaning people were effectively paying the government to hold onto their cash.

People will have nothing to do with this fucking economy in any way. It is made of garbage and dead rats and synthetic collateralized debt obligations and poop.